Think Don't Speak (BOOK ONE)

C H A P T E R 30

My head was pounding.

My emotions were about to burst from their bottle.

I was a wreck.

I was doing so fine, they said. It was too much for me. The anxiety got to me. It all happened so fast, one minute I was drumming for about ten people, having a good time just hitting whatever I thought made a good sound. Then the next minute I ran out like I was caught on fire. I told Ollie, he seemed to have similar exsperences. I didn't tell him the whole story though. I don't need attention, I didn't want it to look like I was just trying to get someone's attention and to be flooded with kindness. That's not me.

I was laying on my bed after taking a short hot steamy shower. It felt good just to burn my skin with water. I was to distracted to feel pain. My skin had been screaming at me to stop but i couldn't hear, but here I lay on my bed with a red burning back. That's when my thoughts that i was drowning in were interrupted by a knock on my door. I didnt hesitate to answer. "Come in." I was barely audible but I knew who ever was on the outside could hear. Just then the door opened with a slight creak to it. I didn't move, I felt, paralyzed. I didn't even look to see who came in, I guessed it was Ollie. That is until I heard his voice. "Hey." His voice was weaker than normal, "Hey." Was all I felt like saying. He came and sat at the foot of my bed, adjusting himself I felt my eyes wander over to him. He was carrying a bag of skittles. Where was Ollie to deliver these to me? Did he really send Tyler to do it?

I heard a slight sigh come from him, then following a yawn. I could hear the rustling of the bag opening. He picked out a color and didn't know how to give it to me. I got up out of my laying position and now in a sitting position towards his tired body. I stuck out my hand, waiting to be delivered a peice of candy. He looked at me for a moment and then hesitantly gave me one. I popped it into my mouth and instantly felt better. I closed my eyes and pictured what was going on in my mouth, I'm not sure why but I just thought of that. I could feel Tyler practically burning a hole through me just by staring at me. The flavored piece of candy slowely disintegrated in my mouth and my body came to a relaxation. "Do you need any water?" Tyler's voice startled me for second but I shook my head. "Well, If you need anything I'll be right here." He said getting up and walking over to the bingbag next to my desk. "Your sleeping there?" I questioned with a slight giggle escaping my lips.

He nodded his head and then laid down on the Grey bingbag and began to fake snore. I rolled my eyes and got under my covers until they reached my neck. I turned my nightstand lamp off and laid there in the dark. I hated the dark but I wanted to make sure Tyler could get some sleep, he looked like a zombie with those bags under his eyes. One night without sleep wouldn't hurt, right? Except for the fact I have many hours of thinking ahead of me.

My eyes could barley adjust to the scenery around me, in the dark everything was naked. I was naked, you were naked. We were all exsposed for our dirty lies, you couldn't hide it. And neither could I. You could see all the faults and sins exsposed. All the mistakes the lies the disappointments, the failures. I felt exsposed. I could barley see the shadow of Tyler just a few feet away from me. The more my eyes adjusted, the more I wanted to crawl under my covers more. I wanted many things, I wanted company, I did have that. But it didn't feel right. I wanted friends, I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to do something right with my life, I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and that was to drum.

By now it was only 11:34pm, and Tyler was sound asleep. I sprung up out of my bed and out of my room. I tiptoed out into the hallway and into the lounge, grabbing my jacket I opened the door to be blown back by a freezing wind. I quickly shut the door but ever so quietly not to wake Tyler and looked around for a hat of some sort to keep my hair from flying everywhere. I had no luck and decided to just go. I opened up the door once more and crawled out like a cat. The cold night air turned my cheeks red and my fingers paler than my actual tone of skin. My teeth started to chatter but I was too distracted by what I was doing to even notice. I didn't see anyone on the street which made this even better. I wore baggy clothes just in case any males were around. If you know what I mean. My feet carried me across the small town until I found my destination. I rubbed together my cold hands and began to walk towards the brightly lit building.

I remember coming here as a kid after school and looking around at all the instruments I wanted to play. I would even ask if I could play them, they said maybe when I get a little older just in case if I break something. So here I am, I'm older now and I want to do this. I want to follow my dreams. Just like ma said, follow your dreams.

Well guess what ma?

My dream, is to drum.