battleships // mirstie

■■ Personal

What am I gonna do with this heart? Catching all these bad arrows and darts? I don't wanna be lonely.

Mitch

Talking to someone who relates to your problems is a bit of a relief.

The stage one of moving on needed for me to find myself, but I couldn't seem to.

I only found myself in the wilderness, trying to wait for some kind of help. I was standing in a vast dessert, with no directions and no highways. It is a life someone would want to escape immediately.

I felt empty. Nothing was beating in me, even my heart. All I could think is the memories that my old self had left me. The memories where I'm miserable either inside or out. There's a little seed of emotions but a tree of depression.

How could I step forward to the second level of moving on's stepping stones?

After sleepless nights of scrolling through Mint's blog, after thinking mindlessly about my future, I just left the thoughts in my mind. There was something I want to pinpoint and it's on the tip of my finger, I just couldn't distinguish what it is.

I continued writing my feelings out, even though the moon is clearly shining up above. It's two in the morning already, but as I said, there really should be sleepless nights.

I released you from my hands,
Just to get you back in bands,
In knots that I myself can't untie,
In promises that'll eventually die.

I sighed, knowing where I got my words. Those stupid memories are attacking me again.

Realities that can't be unseen,
I don't know what these could mean.
Could it be because I can't forget?
Or it's just how I'll always regret.

It's hard to understand myself right now, with all the sleepiness I'm feeling. I need to fight the drowsiness that this pill of love gave me as a side effect. It is one of those I hate, I despise, I loathe.

I scavenged around my brain, trying to change the subject.

Ah.

Dangerous.

That's how I used to live. I tried to accept myself, but I couldn't. There are things I wonder like Mint.

I am not aware of what's real or not. There are times that I fly out to my own world, then think about the things that I should have done in the past. I'm thinking about what I left, or if I even left them.

There's this weigh on my chest that I should stop myself from something. I literally have no idea what that means, but it just makes me want to cry my eyes every night.

I sometimes let myself cry until I sleep for unknown reasons. It's really unknown, like I just had the drive to cry. It's this time in where every night I am desperate to live, or be inspired to do something.

I'm blessed that I could still write and I still have the will to live. I still have my passion and my goals ahead of me.

I only see myself as an obstacle upon reaching for what I dream.

Or my thoughts.

Or the people who surround me.

I wanted to move somewhere else, maybe live farther from Scott, or to any of the band members, but that's the problem with me.

I certainly do not want to be alone.

Whenever I try to be alone, overthinking kills me in the inside. I don't want memories back; they're approved and confirmed to be the worst or prettiest nightmares.

But to bring up the brighter side, I want to move on. I'm sure that I am very eager to volunteer to learn anything. Even everything.

To be in my situation is like living hell, being ultimately clueless where to start. Thankfully, not everyone is born with a broken heart.

Oh.

But I'm clueless what even hell is likely to be, either heaven.

That's it.

I'll approach Mint.

****
Author: i'm doing a poll again, i just love y'all when you comment so

>> in songs, which do you prefer to listen to- japanese or korean? <<