The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 2

Right to a mental home.

I stayed there for a few days. Mom didn't try and get me out; when I begged to be taken out of school she says no. Must be revenge for me not listening to her warning. Don't you hate when your parents are right about certain things?

I went back to school November 1st. I was embarrassed and shuned. People whispered about my presence. No more clubs no more teams. No more friends. My popularity went completely down the drain. I tried to speak to some old friends but they all acted like I didn't exist. I wish I didn't.
I was the first person to enter U.S History. I wish I hadn't come to school at all. I should have stayed home. It would be better than being here. But probably not. Mom is insane. The runts are just worse as my classmates. Josh came in and said oh before sitting down. It was painful. I blame him for part of this.
"So how's everything?" He finally asked.
"Okay I guess." We didn't speak much after that. The class flooded in.
"I hope everything is okay."
I replied, "You don't even mean that."
Josh chuckled and said "Yeah you're right I don't mean that."
Some of them whispered about me. All of them did. That's all I'll ever hear in the hallway. 'She's back. I wonder if she's going to try and kill herself again.' It was oh so torturous not to speak out against everything. I wasn't trying to kill myself. It was just pent up stress. If school is really like this than every movie I have ever watched about high school is a lie. You are bullied until your last breathe.

It struck me like lightning at first. Pent up stress. Then pent up anger. I noticed more couples and happy people. I noticed the couples more. They was kissing, hugging and being all so affectionate. I hated it. It was disgusting. Why couldn't they show their love in a less public place? No one wants to see them smack lips together. I guess this urge of hate picked up more once I saw Josh more around. With a different girl each time.
    Why is it necessary for things to be loved and nurtured? Of course without it, it'll die or just become a heartless sociopath. It's not at their cost. They wouldn't care. Because they had someone who had always loved and took care of them.
    All this hate is weighing down on me. Just early today I got into a heated argument with mom. She was being paranoid and wouldn't let the runts watch tv. Sucks for them they was stuck with her until they was eighteen. She kept telling them to pick up a book when that's all they ever did without so much of a complaint. I yelled at her. Told her being an over protective waste bin won't help the situation. She yelled back at me and nothing I said could make me feel any type of pity. She was so devastated and she went crying into her clean room. The runts got defensive and screamed at me but I couldn't care because I was already leaving the house.
    That became the start of my lack of pity. In almost any situation did I have a lack of pity. Sitting down watching a horror movie. Seeing someone fall; instead of helping I simply keep walking. I'd give my condolences in any situation. That was the case before I lost it.

I missed it. I missed not being needed or wanted. Everyone wanted advice from me. Everyone wanted something out of me and now I have nothing to give because I'm some suicidal girl in everyone's eyes. I came to my theory. It wasn't anything intellectual simple without much to miscomprehend.
Nobody will want you if you have no talent. You're nobody if you can't be of use.
    This was a sad factor of truth. If you  have no talent absolutely nobody will want you. Now if you're of no use. That's top times worse. You'll be am outcast and thrown into the dumpster of sperm that never won the race. You really don't win any race when you're born. What you win is the disappointment of everyone else and yourself. If you're no use with no talent you're better off working some office desk job with a shitty boss who never gives you time off.

I'm just so tired of being useless. No one trust me with anything. Maybe it's not trust maybe they don't want me to do anything because I'll probably mess it up. I hate how right everyone is. I hate how useless I've become. Hate how I hate and show no type of condolence. I hate myself. For every shitty thing I've done. I can never make up for it. Never in a million life times. I had already fucked up and there was no eraser for these mistakes. If my body was a canvas I'd be covered in every color to resemble my mistakes.
This week was more self hating and hating everything else. A thing for people like this is called a misanthrope. It was a perfect description of me. I happened to find myself hating humanity more and more. Hating everything so much it makes me want to die.