The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 16

Author's note: I'm curious if anyone relates to the emotions Ryan feels. It's not my business and I can understand if you don't want to tell. Just a little curious. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Something is off about her. Glowing skin. Hands on her stomach. Yup I can see it now. She's finally pregnant.
Since I was ten she had been trying to get pregnant. This was before dad divorced her. She kept having miscarriages which swirled her into MADD. Mixed anxiety-depressive disorder. It tore her down and dad. He left because of it. From their arguments he wasn't fond of mental illness so he didn't care. She hasn't worked since he divorced her. At the time I had no one to speak to or just in general. My love map was probably mapped out wrong.
I don't feel like talking and just smile with a wink and head upstairs. Is our relationship suddenly deepening? I feel... I feel happy for her. It should be normal to be happy for someone who's going to have a baby; this was just a different happiness. Happy she looks happy. Disappointed because I can be like that one day but I'll end it all too soon.
I don't understand these feelings. I don't want them but then I want. I cry over them and I'm emotionless next. I'm servery depressed or jumping into a pool of joy. Why can't it only be one?

I learn a two new things. The idea of a lovemap is person's internal blueprint for their ideal erotic situations.
It was discovered by John Money. He's a sexologist. It's mostly defined as a developmental representation in the mind and in the brain depicting the idealized lover and the idealized program of sexual and erotic activity projected in imagery or actually engaged in with that love. That probably has nothing to do with what that lady has to say but there's a lot more.
The formation of one's lovemap becomes established at an early age. It bears the mark of the person's unique individuality. Lovemaps aren't present at birth, they develop shortly afterwards, manifesting full after puberty. It may not discover certain parts of their lovemap until a triggered experience later in life. (pornography use for example)
I'm not sure if the way lovemap was used by my stalker was used in the right way. This does lead me to different types of sexualities. I had already knew there was different types. I didn't bother trying to understand the ones that confused me most. There was tons of them. I guess I was looking in to see where I fit in. I ruled myself out as asexual. I did apply myself to demisexual.
Demisexual is not experience sexual attraction unless they have formed a strong emotional connection with another individual. Often within a romantic relationship. I added myself into that category. Yes I'm demisexual and I wouldn't deny it even if I didn't have enough proof. I wouldn't dive for proof either. It was my sexuality and I had no reason to lie. I roll around on my hugging my laptop and blushing.
Self-discovery is more important than I expected it to be.