The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 24

Author's note: I dont know what happened to the last chapter but some stuff got cut off when it got published. Gonna add it to thos chapter and hope ot doesnt come out too length.

I hope I don't be come angry enough I get charged for assault.
"Don't even say hello to me. You already knew I was moving here and you asked Deren to take it from me."
He raised his hands in an innocent manner. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I did no such thing."
I grab his ear. He can have a piercing if he wants to keep lying. Josh with stands my pinch but flips once my nail starts to pierce the skin.
"Okay everything you said wasn't wrong. You gotta understand Ryan I'm doing what's best for you." He removes my fingers from his ear after my blabbering fest.
"You don't know what's best for me? Stay out of my life. It has nothing to do with you."
"I know you don't want my messing with your life I just don't want it to be like a relationship with my mom."
I turn my back away from him. I'm all angry yet I don't want to take it all out on him. I'm furious and I don't even want to bother saying something. I hate myself more and more.
"Stop acting like you can relate. You aren't adopted and you don't spend every aching moment wondering why you was put up for adoption."
I don't stay to hear what he had to say. I shut myself in the closet and play with ribbon I found. I'd do this in my old house when I was younger. I can remember myself doing this before I moved into that house. Distinct memories I don't think I'll come close to remembering.
"Ryan" Josh calls. "Can you come out the closet please?"
"I'm demisexual" and he laughs.
"Mind explaining what that means?"
I slip the ribbon through the crack under the door. I feel a soft tug on it, and tug it back to make sure Josh is securely holding it.
"Well...demisexual is basically someone lacking of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons."
"Wonder where that leaves me and you," he whispers through the door.
"I'd say too close emotional and romantically but I don't know" I say slowly and with a voice of something - no everything unsure. I open the door and let the ribbon go. Josh entered and I moved down so he can sort of fit.
"Small closet you fit in. Are you still mad at me?"
"Maybe but a fool like you doesn't know I keep back ups. I just won't use them," I squeal and lean to place a kiss on his cheek. He falls back dramatically making sound effects as he goes.
"First time you kissed me" he teases. I get up and step over him. He's still making the same sound effects. I roll my eyes as his hands wrap around my ankle and I drag him out.
"You know I like you a lot right?"he questions.
"Yes you make it much more obvious" I reply.
"Good."

Due to Josh I didn't sleep until late in the morning. I don't remember him leaving after he helped with homework I was never going to do. I figure he stayed behind. I'd hope so. I'm so thankful for him. I wish I could have said that on Thanksgiving.
I wake to him in my bed. It's much bigger than my other bed so we fit together in it pretty well. I state him and focus on his symmetrical face. I inch closer to him and out my head in his chest. His arms close around me. "Mine" he mumbles. I find myself wanting to cuddle with him rather getting ready for school. In fact screw school I think we can take a day off. I still need to upload Mr.Issac's fault.
"I want plants and chicken tenders for not self harming."
He hums yes and presses his lips to my forehead. The most kisses I'll ever received from anyone. Mom doesn't even kiss my cheek or forehead or in general. But she kisses the runts. She does a nationality week for them. Just not me because she also doesn't know my nationality. That would be coming up soon.
"I kind of have to go," Josh admits.
I move closer to him and wrap my fingers in his shirt. "You aren't going any where unless that's school you're heading to."
"I really do have to go unfortunately."
I unwrap my fingers from his shirt and let him get up. With some suspicion I know he's not going to school but I let him go. Next time I wouldn't allow that. He kisses my cheek goodbye.
Once the door shuts I stroll over to the bible on my dresser. Mom didn't force us to read it or anything like that. I just had it there whenever I wanted to prove a point about whatever online argument I get myself into. I had cut out some pages in the shape of rectangular. Inside we're the back up blades. Of course no one would suspect a thing. I swirl the blade around until my fingers bleed. I put it back and grabbed a band-aid. No chicken tenders for me today.
I go downstairs for breakfast. First time I wake up at my alarm and I'm not going to school. Deren is sitting at the counter. I grin and almost ask if I'm allowed to eat. Of course I'm allowed to eat it'll only be harm to himself as a result. Hope he doesn't start this whole dad thing. Really can't handle that.
"Um Ryan there's someone who wants to meet you?"
"What does that mean?" I ask and eat pieces of my broken cereal. I'm nervous.
"Of course you remember the women that came to your old house with the whole she's my daughter thing. Well-"
"She's my mom isn't she?"
Silence is a deadly winter.
"That and...your mother thinks it's best if you went with her after this school year ends."
"Why are you telling me this? Is she really that scared to tell me she doesn't want me anymore?"
I assume that immediately. I mean look who's telling me this. Deren? Deren isn't even a major person in my life. Mom is letting him tell me this. You know I'm used to people not wanting me but at this point it's more pathetic to get someone else to tell me. If you don't want someone you should at least tell them yourself and making it someone else's responsibility.
I give up on my breakfast and go upstairs. Honestly I couldn't handle this without thinking about self harming. I can't handle this at all without bursting enrage. New theory: I'm not allowed to be happy.
I lock myself in my room with the chair against the door. I'm always locking myself in my room. It's a such a typical teenager thing it annoys me soul to the finest points. Possibly because this isn't the person I wanted to be. I didn't want to be the one who cuts themselves or is constantly depressed. Or constantly struggling between hate and love. When is something in my life not as painful as it should be. I feel like if I was to die. Death would would painful. Pain is inevitable.