The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 10

"We need snacks and sandwiches" I answer and it almost sounds typical. "And New Jersey." All I hear is unnecessary groaning. "We're going to Princeton it is closer to us. There's a lot of people put there looking for us."
    I made documents based off the people we wanted to pick up. Ash mostly picked out attractive males. In a total we pick put fifteen people all who live in the same area. Ash makes plans to email them and I go in the gas station with Josh. Still off schedule.
"You know we won't get there until tonight" Josh says.
"I know. We can do two people today. There's fifteen of them. Who knows we might have fun."
Josh tugs me closer and kisses my     cheek sloppy. "I believe it."
    I pick up a bottles of water. Then put it back and just grab a pack because Ash seems easily dehydrated. At the counter Josh has already ordered us sandwiches and grabs tons of chips. I don't think it'll be satisfying and grab three packs of beef jerky. Josh carries the water to the trunk. As expected Ash downs two bottles of water.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Um we can take a bathroom break if you need it later on" Stacey suggests.     She disagrees and Josh starts to drive.
I planned to eat the beef jerky first but I didn't want the mayonnaise on the bread to go bad. The car ride was pretty quiet. Awkward quiet.
"So do you guys want to know the rules?" I can only see Ash nod.
"There's rules" Stacey repeats back.
"Nothing strict" I imply.
    The rules aren't complicated. There's no complaints after I explained it. I made them simple because I'd most likely break these rules. Keeping them simple is the most I can do.
     The first rule is we aren't therapist and don't let anyone call us therapist. We aren't doctors and we don't study psychology. Second, we aren't hear to solve their problems. This goes back to rule one we aren't here to diagnosis you with any disorder or medication. Third is to make sure they know what their plan afterwards is their self diagnosis. Whether they continue it or stop it. We can't give our opinion even if asked. And finally, no fault is too small or too big. Its still a fault and we're still interested.

The ride from that point on wasn't bad. A game of eye spy and some riddles made it worth the while. I didn't really play. I dont fit the fun or sing along profile. I was too busy answering emails until my laptop finally died. Should have expected that. I don't bother getting back on my phone to finish. More would keep coming in and that would grow to be a pain.
"Ryan, I think we deserve a thank you. If we didn't come your parents would have never let you gone."
"It's parent Stacey. I don't have dad. I'm adoptive but you'll learn that later."
"What?!" Her and Ash say at the same time both equally surprised.
"Yes. My mom isn't my biological mom. We have no type of resemblances and my siblings are adopted as well." Awkward silence and oh's.
"So what's your nationality," Ash whispers; vibrating loudly against my ear.
"I don't know but better suggestion; let's not talk about my life."
     I was the king and queen of awkward silence and I'm proud of it. I wanted to say sorry but no condolences were floating around to my comment. As expected we do reach Princeton by tonight. Stacey was looking for a nice place to stay. I'm oddly tired and just want to sleep. I close my eyes and wait for the car to come to a stop.
"Ryan" Josh whispers, "Get out the car. No stay in I'll come in."
"Where are we?"
"A motel," Josh answer. I nod and stretch my legs. Josh suggest some more driving. I disagree. Sometimes I just want to sit an lounge around. Sink in the moment because soon I'll have to adult. I hate this whole adulting process. It needs to slow down.
"Josh do you think I was too mean towards them?" I ask looking out the window.
"It's too soon. I don't even ask you questions like that."
"And why not? Don't you get curious. I'm curious. I know nothing about about my nationality or grandparents" and suddenly I'm crying into my knees. Josh's hand rubs my back. So comforting. I'm apologizing. "Those aren't my tears. It must be something else."
"I get it" he says. "Sometimes I think someone died and I have to grieve for them or someone. You must be able to relate."
"I sure do. Sometimes I don't understand this whole emotions thing. I don't want them. They make me feel bad."
   Josh covers his face shyly. It's adorable in his own unique way. I'm sure if someone else did it I wouldn't find it as attractive as to when he does it. He's laughing and it's all too cute. He opens the door and I follow him out. Josh takes out some bags. I put my laptop in its case and swing it over my shoulder with a bag with semi work clothes.
     In the lobby Ash and Stacey are having a converaation. I had no idea they was waiting for us other just me. Stacey looks up at us.
"Took you long enough. I'm exhausted. Let's hurry up," she comments with a yawn.
    We go up together and I must say it's must been awkward for Mitch. He looked all awkward about it; I found that to be cute too. Everything about Josh is cute. I never took in the cute atmosphere. We get a room with two bedrooms.

Almost immediately Stacey and Ash change into their pajamas and head off to sleep. The idea of me sharing a bed with Josh was being spiked around like a volleyball throughout the room. I'm too busy emailing people back and listening to music. Josh lays out again my legs. His skin is cold. I mean of course he just got out the shower.
"I can sleep in a chair but I will need pillows" he offers.
"Oh please. You can sleep with me I don't mind. I probably won't sleep much. But do not not wear shirts?"
He chuckles no. "This might be really awkward but are you asexual?"
My throat feels like the earth just turned into a hot desert. "Where did you get that idea from?"
"I mean" he shrugs and shake his head no. "Never mind it was stupid."
    I leave it there. I get scared and think I might say something stupid. Josh grabs a pillow from under my back. He pulls me down the bed some; until I'm flat on it. "Now go to sleep and no buts," he orders.
That's so cute.

I don't sleep. Why? Because I'm too busy wondering why I find that so cute. Or him so cute. I find myself smiling into my pillow about how he does that face cover thing. Then I'm smiling at his sitting style and his biting lip thing. I'm smiling at everything and I wish I hadn't found him so cute. Maybe he thinks I'm asexual. I don't know my sexuality. You'd think when you go to high school for the first time you'll get some feels for the first person who's genuinely nice to you. Which would have been Josh. Genuine nice to someone isn't exactly what Josh had did. Maybe it's what he does now that counts. But I can't forget what he did though. Neither with Stacey.
    I hear the chair move and the bed sink moments later. "What are you doing up?" I whisper. I roll over to the left for Josh to get in. He makes the bed warmer.
"I can't sleep. I feel like shit and I don't know why. I hate myself."
I punch him. "Unacceptable. You are adorable. You're never allowed to hate yourself."
He responds with, "You do it."
"Yes but I'm allowed to hate myself because I'm trash. You are going to be important. I'm going to be a housekeeper or in a ditch. Not even a proper funeral. By the time I'm twenty my siblings will hate me for never caring about them."
     Once again I'm crying again. I wish these emotions would just end. If the opportunity to become emotional detach comes up I'd take it. Josh takes my face in his hands; that are suddenly bigger the expected.
"Then start caring for them. It's one thing to be alone and depressed but it's completely another to be depressed with a family. You just have to speak to them the way you speak to me."
I exhale to not wake anyone. "You can't fix me. That won't work. I'm better off dead. Heavens full but hell won't have me. I will never accomplish anything. I'm just a  would have been, could have been, should have been, never will and never will be."
   His grip on my face tightens and we're looking into each others eyes. I always look at eyes so deeply. Sometimes it seems like eyes are being swallowed up whole by sadness.
Josh says with a hoarse voice, "You are an idiot for thinking that way. The Fault In Our Minds project is getting so many views. You already  accomplished something."
    I put my face in his shoulder. I really don't want to look at eyes I might be falling for while not knowing it. Josh's hands rest on my back.
"Ryan, your eyes are swallowing me up each time I look at them. You have to do something about that."
     I giggle. I don't have ideas to move. This was most comfortable. After some time I do roll onto my own pillow. I used Josh's arm as a pillow. I remember a sleeping like this when I was younger. Not sure with who but I remember it distinctly.

I can tell I slept late. It's that strange feeling where you should be awake but you just continue to sleep. I must feel like this quite a lot. Probably why I sleep through my alarms. I roll over, my body stops against someones; I hadn't expected Josh to stay in bed longer than necessary. He was wearing a shirt. Must have gone out.
"Did you get breakfast?" I ask with a fully awake voice.
"Ash and Stacey went to get that. It's more lunch than breakfast."
    I open my laptop and Josh closed it. It was a repeated thing until I caught on to his plans. I get up to shower. I smell like a motel room and that's the last thing I needed to smell like. About motel rooms just smell so weird it's disgusting.
    The bathroom isn't really big. It's expected from a motel. I shower quickly. The water didn't stay hot  long enough for me to enjoy. I don't bother drying my hair. It's generally short it doesn't need extra work done to be dry. There's chicken tenders but no Ash or Stacey.
"Seems like everyone is waiting for me and getting bored of it." I shove my laptop into the case throw it over my shoulder. "Let's go. We can eat drive and still get some type of work done."
Josh grabs the hotel key and opens the door for me.