The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 32

My eardrums bleed. I wish it was from my music but it wasn't. It was from the runts singing songs from Frozen. At first I thought I could handle it. But I could not handle it. It was a little stunt Deren used once he learned I disliked Frozen and that neither of the runts have seen it.
Their singing continues on into the afternoon when I'm doing faults. It's a splendid way to embarrass me. Throughout the video you could overhear them in the background.
Jordan walks in and I prepare to announce the rules.
"Let it-"
"Don't even start otherwise you can leave. Now what do you want?"
"I'm just bored" she giggles.
She touches the map on my wall and explore the other parts of my room. I take the time to glance at her. From what I've learned Jordan is Sri Lanka with mentally unfit parents. She's probably around the height of my knee or taller. Her naturally wavy hair stops midway to her back. Her most noticeable feature is her almond eyes. I can already see a princess in the future.
I put my work to the side and let Jordan gal me up by painting my toe nails. Pandora eventually comes in and paints my finger nails. I am put on time out for about fifteen minutes until I get bored. I head downstairs and they cling to my legs.
"Tell mom I'm going to visit Josh" I proclaim and try to wobble them off my legs. The look they give me is clear they aren't letting go unless they are walking out the door with me. They have been overall too clingy around me. I groan.
"Mom, I'm going to visit Josh and I'm taking the runts with me" I yell in an unexciting voice. I hear her say okay and wait for them to get their boots on. There was snow. Not enough snow but still enough to leave tracks.
Each footstep I made in the snow they followed in. I found it cute. On the porch I didn't get to ring the doorbell or knock Josh's dad opened the door. "He's not here" he says with a cigarette in his mouth.
"Do you-"
"I don't know where he is either" he continues. "I do need to talk to you."
I look down at my feet. The two bodies are shaking their heads no. I scan his face. I can understand why the runts would be scared of him. Josh's dad is a muscular guy with a full groan beard, some tattoos, and a scar that started near his right nostril and ended near his chin.
I step inside despite the two innocent bodies pulling me away. Mom is right I am scared but I regard all the consequences and just do it. A cat jumps off the table and lurks behind us. Pandora is the first to pet it; they are both distracted by it.
"If you don't mind I would rather speak in the kitchen."
I follow him in. I am reckless and one say these decisions will be the death of me. Only me. Never anyone else. Especially not my little sisters. If I was to do something reckless I would have to be the only who dies out of it.
"Josh does this a lot. He comes home, takes a nap, and leaves. Sometimes I'm lucky if he'll come home."
"Where did you think he was?" I insist.
He just pulled the plug on his mother and he doesn't even reveal any type of sign he's worried. Worlds worst father. He lits up a match and puts it to his cigarette.
"I thought he was with you."
I bit back a grin. "Why?" I croak.
"Uh well I thought you two had a sexual relationship but I guess not. If he's not with you I am even more worried."
"You should have been worried from the start" I say viciously.
"If you know Josh he's not what you call open about his problems. I'm trying to be a support system but he thinks he can handle everything. I'm gonna go to that crappie funeral even though I don't get along with his mother's side of the family."
Undeniably true. I learn Josh has been like this since his mother got sick; around freshman year. I learn also learn that his favorite color isn't yellow. If I knew how to do a German suplex I'd put him in one just for lying to me.
"That's all you need to know now if you don't mind I have a guest coming over."
"Don't have to be rude about it."
I pull the runts off his cat. They was scared first now they are far too comfortable. I'm not allowed to walk back the house until I find my foot prints with smaller footprints inside.
"I want a cat" Jordan says.
I lecture and walk, "That's a lot of responsibility."
"But they're so cute" Pandora squeals.
"You two are cute."

They recite my words until I regret them. Inside I make them and myself a sandwich. I slump into the couch and watch cartoons for what feels like the remaining of the day. That's until I hear Josh and his dad at yelling each other. I shove my boots on and throw Deren's heavy sweater on me before leaving out the door. His car is now up the block. I put the hood on and begin chasing after the car.
I do well managing to catch up to his vehicle and make it seem like I'm just a regular jogger taking breaks when he comes to a red light. I start to slow my running and just walk. I watch him park in front of a bar. I obviously can't go in there. Josh doesn't go in. He sits and leans against his car with hid arms followed. I guess I've been discovered. I approach him but don't take the hoodie off.
"Why are you following me? Did my dad put you up to this?" He's aggressive and shoves me onto the ground. I have never seen this side of him.
"You are acting like an idiot. So many people are worried about you?" I say with my hands covering my mouth to disguise my voice.
The only sounds we hear are horns and the little bit of people outside.
"Ryan? Why are you following me?"
I push my hood back. "Because you are making me worry."
"Go home" he spits back out. "I really don't want you to see me and I don't want to see you."
I implored, "Josh can we talk like adults-"
"No! Just go back home and stop following me," he demanded.
"You lied to me about your favorite color being yellow."
"I don't care" he says with a snake tongue.
I'll just have to make him care. I wrap his right arm around my head and put my arms around his stomach. I hear him laughing.
"You are so cute trying to lift me up."
After some attempts getting laugh at by Josh and the people outside(who are recording) I lift him over me and he's completely still. I couldn't really keep him in the air. I end up falling back; his head bounces against the ground. He bolts up.
He calmly states, "Are you an idiot?" as blood pours down his face.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drop you. I knew I should have never tried."
"Don't apologize call 911."
He's acting so calm. I've never seen so much blood before it makes me queezy. I wait for Josh in the waiting room. I hope I didn't hurt him too badly. I also hope he doesn't press chargers either. The doctor calls for me and gestures for me to follow him. He leaves when I'm in front of his room.
"Hey buddy" I greet.
"You dropped me. And stalked me. Why are you even still here?"
"Stop playing cold hearted with me. I'm worried about you."
"Well stop it" he adds. I slap his thigh.
"You don't get to say that. You can't chase after me when I plan on killing myself, tell me not to cut myself, clean up my bloody art work and tell me not to worry about you. That's unfair; I didn't want a prince charming. Stop helping and changing me without letting me help you."
I cover my mouth. Maybe I'm just being too clingy. Maybe he really does need the space. I wish we could just confess already all this running in circles is becoming a pain.
"No one's changing you, Ryan. You're the one running over all the rules I had set for myself. Everything I've done makes me feel guilt and it's all your fault."
"I hate you."
"And I," he press his lips together, "love you too."
"Huh? I didn't hear you" I belittled.
"Nevermind then."
"What? No. I love you too. This is embarrassing. You're embarrassing."
I cover my face in my hands. I'm less reckless of all times it has to be this moment. I peek between my fingers to glance at him. His face is relaxed.
"Are you in pain?"
He retorted,"Always especially with you throwing those words around like it's dodgeball."
"I'm sorry I dropped you. I didn't expect mysf to lift you."
I don't let him respond. Shyly I try to kiss him without even tilting my head the slightest bit. Out noses hit each other and cower away in my hands. That just proves my lack of skills for kissing. I glance up just at him smiling without a care. I wish I didn't have to act so shy around him. I guess neither of us know how to react around each other.

Josh doesn't attend school on Monday. He doesn't even attend the wake. I'd visit him but I think he does need the space.
When he showed up to school on Wednesday multiple people spoke about how I dropped Josh. It got on YouTube with a bunch of views. Turns out someone from our school was recording. Josh didn't seem too bothered about it. Natural he seemed like his head was in the clouds. I wonder if it was like that because we'd confess to each other. Even after that we didn't speak much on it. I hope we do soon.
I play with my food during lunch. The conversation topic was whatever. Of course I couldn't care. I wouldn't care. I had other things to care about. A grape hits my forehead. My eyes reflect at the direction it came from. Megan.
"How long are you going to sit there and be love struck?"
"When you drop dead" I state but I meant it.
Stacey and Ash try to stir away from asking me about the details of Saturday. I avoid it to my best possibility. Love struck coming out Megan's mouth sounds like something that meant to be a crush or just not meant to be.

I'm hesitant on going to the funeral but can't be hesitant when Josh needs my assistance. I wait for him in the living room. I already feel sick to my stomach. I sit outside to avoid sweating. The last thing I want is to leave all shiny in sweat. I bit my nails.
Stop that it'll be a habit, I tell myself. I notice the dress shoes at my feet.
"Ready to go?" I ask.
"Just waiting for you of course."
I squeeze his hand. It's selfish for me to say but I wish this whole funeral thing would end. I had lots to say but I know at the moment it all happens I won't say anything.
"I told my dad not to come. To be completely honest I don't feel worthless about pulling the plug."
That doesn't change the fact we still had to go. That doesn't change the fact we sit in the front row. Or the fact his aunt is glaring him and I glare back twice times worse. All of this doesn't change the fact that his dad does show up and gives a nice speech about his mom. That does change the fact Josh made no plans to cry however he does cry and keep his face covered as he does. This makes me never want to leave here. But I know what's coming and I can't deny it.

Author's note: When I first wrote this it got deleted I was so upset until I was rewriting and it came out twice as better than I ever expected. I hope everyone enjoyed.