The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 20

Details about the move was released. I wish I could go into denial like most people. I thought moving near my school wouldn't be with Deren. I don't have anything against him. At least I don't think so. As long as he doesn't expect me to call him dad because I already dislike calling my mom, mom.
Maybe I just have something against new people. A lot of history to back that up so far. Maybe something happened to me with new people when I was much younger.

Josh has spent majority of our day. It was the afternoon and no one should sleep this much. I take the time out b to clean my burn. I think the healing process is going or will be going well.
Josh takes up more room while sleeping. His frame is bigger than expected. I sit at my desk; waiting for my laptop to start up. I haven't checked my email or anything like that for a few days. I think I'll ask Ash and Stacey to do some local faults being that me and Josh are out of commission.
     After answering a bunch of emails and more coming in, I roll over to sleeping beauty and shove him off the bed. If I don't get to sleep until late into the afternoon he can't either. He lays on the floor for seconds until sitting up rubbing his back.
"You jerk" he mumbles with a sleepy voice. It sounded adorable.
"You can't be sleeping that late in the day if I'm not. It just doesn't work like that. Besides I want to go out."
"Then go out" snaps back in a husky voice. Josh climbs back in my bed. My legs are water.
"Come on, we'll have fun. We can go bowling."
     I can understand why he doesn't want to do anything. His mother died so it must-no it has to be still bothering him. I can't do anything to prevent him from sulking. Sulking is a naturally response but- I don't know.
"Go out by yourself. Don't you understand what grieving is? I don't have time for anyone else at the moment."
"I know that-and- and I do know some things about grieving. Just sulking isn't going to help. We don't necessarily have to go out but we can talk about all these negative feelings. It's not good to keep these things clotted up."
    I have the overwhelming sensation that everything I said will be used against. It's not like I was wrong I'm just a big hypocrite and shouldn't be giving advice to anyone about feelings. I mentally sigh.
"Says the girl who cuts herself. We both clearly have different ways of expressing our feelings."
    That burned more than my wrist. Unfortunately he has a good point. This makes me regret being so open about it. I'll make a mental note to not tell someone about feelings when I express mine in the worst way capable.
Josh spits out,"I didn't mean that. You're being annoying and I don't know how to act as always. To be honest I do want to go bowling."
   His eyes meet mine. I poke him in the eye just to avoid being swallowed in them. I push myself over to my closet and pull out winter like clothing which is all the regular clothing I wear.
"Let's talk about forgiveness later. I can't wait to beat your behind in bowling," I say. He rolls his eyes and gets off my bed to put his Timberland boots on.

I didn't think how I'd bowl with my good hand uncooked. It struck me that all the things I do with my dominate hand would be more complicated. Might be an easy win for Josh.
"Ready to get burnt again" he said with enthusiasm while stretching his arms. Complaints would get thrown around if he hadn't seemed amused by it. 
    I pick up the bowling ball. It was black with a skull on it. I hold it with my fingers in the three holes and my hand supporting the bottom. I prepare myself to go just as I notice a classmate of ours approach Josh. My bowl turned right into the gutter. I wouldn't have minded if they wasn't female. Ah...here comes the burning obysess called jealousy. If jealousy was a human it would be just as worse a Pandora opening her box or jaw or even her mouth.
Josh comments, "Nice roll. Maybe you should sit this one out; I don't think your wrist is up to for it."
"Who's your friend?" I mumble.
"Oh this is Janessa. Janessa this is Ryan. If you don't mind she can help you play. It'll be more fair; just because you're a little disabled for the moment."
     How could he act so jolly and ask if I don't mind. Of course I mind. I hate new people. I do let her play. Not for the simple fact I didn't want to lose but rejecting the offer would make things awkward. Josh could use all the company in the world. He deserves it at the moment. They got along like childhood friends. Even if the was the case I'd still throw her into the gutters for speaking to him and knowing him for so long.
     All my balls went into the gutter. Thinking that makes me snicker but not one had hit a pin. Janessa was making progress. Getting strikes and splits. Josh and her was excluding me out of the conversation. Or I excluded myself. It didn't seem like it. They was discussing sports and bowling teams they wanted to join in the futute. It's only my third time going bowling so I know nothing of teams and I don't know anything about sports. I think Janessa could have this game.
"I'm going to get chicken tenders. Anyone want anything?"
Ignored.
    Fine by me, I get all the chicken tenders I planned to order for them. I didn't order myself chicken tenders. I asked some girl to do it for me, who was going to ask me to order her fries. We go up together.
      Her names is Alice. She's wearing a crop top and black ripped skinny jeans. She's petite but something about her child face makes her worth looking at. Not that she's generally unattractive just that some people never grow out that child like face. We sit together. I sit on the seat giving me a clear view of Josh and Janessa. One day I will see a shooting star and I will wish to stop this jealousy that takes over me like a demon.
She asks, "Are you watching someone?"
"Uh-huh. I mean I know them but- I'm just-" I ponder for words. I don't want to seem like a stalker. "I'm just jealous."
"What for? Do you a crush on him or her?"
"Him and sort of. Explain a crush?"
She answers and sounds like a walking book, "It's pretty much the whole jealousy package, the free shipping and handling of your heart beating eighty miles per hour around them and blushing or your body temperature increasing."
   I touch my cheek. I'm not sure if I have that all. I do have the whole jealousy package. Sometimes I forget I have a heart beat. Time just stops and my breathing flatlines. How do I know if I'm alive at those moments?
    I go one and tell Alice all the stuff that happened before Thanksgiving and afterwards. That includes the burning my wrist part. She gets overwhelmed and sings a childish song.
"Young love is so cute" she says with her cheek against her right hand.
"It's not love. Honestly I think it would be terrible if we ever dated."
"Huh? Why's that?" Her pale blonde hair falls in front of her face.
"Well- we are too broken to be compatible. I think if we ever loved each other like a really old couple it just wouldn't work. I don't think he can handle my pain and I can only swallow half of his. I will ruin him and he will ruin me."
    This was a fact I hated to admit. Somethings just can't stay friends. And once they're more then friends they'll ruin each other.
"He might be a lot of things but no one ever cleans away someone else's harm. He's a cleaning product just trying to make you shine."
    I stare at her. I know this girl isn't happy. Judging a book by its cover is the worst of its ideas but I know she's not happy inside. In New York you are always next to a dead body.
"Stop staring at me like that you'll make me blush" Alice says shyly and covering her face.
"Tell me a story" I finally say. Her eyes dilate and come back to their original size. They flicker like broken lights.
"I am a girl who has lost her soul. The end."
    I giggle. I think that was the response I wanted. I'll settle for that any day. A group of friends call Alice over and I wonder if I kept her from them or if it mattered. She had to go and I'd finish these chicken fingers alone. I hope I see her again.