The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 29

I clean up the little mess left behind. There was no mess I was just organizing my organized chaos because I couldn't forget such an amazing kiss. I felt the heart burn with it and I felt it even more afterwards.
     The knocks don't bother me, I do let whoever it is in but if it was mom I would not be bothered by her presence. Not so sure about Deren. I spin around and prepare to ask mom about the dresses I pull out.
"Oh" I start with a long O making it seem like the H wasn't there. "It's just you." Just the person I didn't want to see. My biological mom.
"I don't think I need to bring a DNA test for information you already know. Do you have any questions about me?"
I put my dress up. I am uncomfortable. "Do you or should I say do I have siblings?"
She oozed out, "Yes you have two siblings. One older brother and one little sister. She's about the same age as your current sisters. Oh they can't wait to met you."
    I raise my eyebrow. Meet me. I have never agreed on them meeting me. Nor did I make plans to meet them. Whoever they was didn't matter. I didn't want to know them. I already had siblings but then again I am not wanted here so my absence won't matter.
She puts her dry hands up. "Unless you want to meet them" she adds.
"What's our nationality?" I ask next.
She goes on and tells me she's Albanian. Then into nicknames on how we're occasionally called fake Italians. It surprises me but not for long. I wonder how I ended up with someone else.
She natters on, "If you're wondering yes me and your father had an arranged marriage."
"Why am I here? How did you lose me? If you lost me. What makes you think I want you in my life."
    I just want to cause her a little trouble. I don't think she wants me either despite the fact she came all over here for me.
"Well I got pregnant with your brother at nineteen and some years later I had you. I guess you could say I was irresponsible and left you with matches in your reach. It's not like this isn't a first time thing either."
I shrug. Honestly if matches was every left in front of me I'd purposely light myself on fire. Painful but I'll be dead.

She goes on to continue about school. She tells me she never finished high school because she had gotten married and became a house wife. Must suck to be her. She then tells me about family things and traditions. Such as fasting and not eating pork with etc. I never ate pork but I pretty much starve myself. A tradition I didn't like was females wasn't allowed to do anything boys were supposed to do. Sounds like typical gender roles but if I was to live with her I wouldn't be able to watch as much cartoons as I do. I'd have to be learning how to cook and sew.
I especially disliked the arranged marriage thing. Loving them or not didn't matter. For males and females they had to be good enough for someone to want to marry into the family. And slip ups (cough cough me) would tarnish the family name. The arrange marriage part went into the part where females was brought back to the family home in Albania, where they would get beaten and starved. It was claimed to make them "sexy." This wasn't a tradition to be exact it was just something that started up that no one had balls to finish.
"So do you like anyone?"
"Yes" I answer. Her expression looks slightly enraged. "Let me be more straightforward if I ever come to live with you I would be the one to tarnish the family name."
"How could you say that? You don't even know your own culture. Most of the men are very nice. I mean you might miss a lot of opportunities-"
"Keep dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and I'm sure they'll like you" I interrupt with a attitude that fully said I dislike you. Wish I could hide it.
    That conversation drops and goes back into school. I try to make it seem like I don't like her but soften up. She's not treating me like Hiroshima. I lay out on my bed as a sign I'm growing tired. (I just want her to leave) As I'm laying down I feel something bludging against my upper back. I'm unaware of what is until I reach for it. By then she's excusing herself.
"I hope you never come by again" I say once I know she's gone.
I go over to Josh's house. He left his phone. Doesn't seem like he noticed. I stand near the front door. What if his dad answers? To be exact I only saw his dad once and not a single conversation was brought up.
    The door swings open. I stand awkwardly, not finding any words to say. I just utter nonsense holding up his phone and pointing at it. "He's in his room. I'm sure you know how to get there." He steps away from the door. Not sure if he was sending some subliminal message. I head up to his roo. The door is already open but I still knock.
"You left your phone" I sing in a teasing voice. Josh covered his head with his pillow. I stroll over and lightly hit his stomach. "Hey no sleeping when a guest is over" I lecture yet I've done it too many times. He groans and rolls over.
"What do you want?"
"You left your phone. How come you didn't realize?"
He sits up and looks at me through the corner of his eye. "I guess too much lip action was happening. Thanks for bringing it over."
    I rested in his open hand. I stare intensely at him before he goes to lay down.
He hesitated to speak. "Ryan I'm confused. You look like you want to punch me or kiss me. I don't know what to do."
"You just aren't supposed to sleep when a guest is over. And don't use this against me because I do too much."
I just don't want to leave right away or maybe in general. I lay down with him and shut my eyes. "Ryan" he calls.
"Yes."
"You know I like you. A lot more than before. Just keep that in mind."
     I give him an innocent peck on the cheek. I ask about the wake and the funeral. He's not really bent out on talking about that. He just groans and rolls his eyes at the thought. I wonder if he has a lot family members he can't stand. I already have family members I don't like.
"It's next week. The wake is Monday and the funeral is Wednesday. That's if you still want to come."
I nudge him with my elbow. "I never wanted you around any of the times I self harmed. I can be around for this because I want to support you."
     Sudden shift in this relationship. Never have we mentioned support around each other. I could remember times we'd talk about career advice, the conversation never ended well. I can assume that neither of us cared about what each other's future goals were. I guess we both just wasn't good at supporting each other.
"Is your mom okay with you being over here?"
"Don't worry" I reassure with the wave of my hand, "She knows I'm here."
"Okay...but does she approve of you being here."
"Don't be sucker for some rules. It'll be fine. Unless you're trying to kick me out."
Maybe I'm being too clingy.
He defended, "No I like having you here but my dad doesn't care who's around when he's ready to start an argument. Just trying to throw a warning."
"What do you guys argue about? If you don't mind me asking."
"Mom and me. Mostly about me being a disappointment but that doesn't and never will matter."
    I kiss his cheek and I can feel him smiling against it. If he means what he says then he must know he's not a disappointment.
"He's mostly drunk with nothing to do but argue. Now he can't call my mom to annoy her. Let's not go into that now."
    I did want to know but I don't push the topic. I tell him about my biological mom. I debate on the whole marriage part. As much as I wanted to stay behind I did want to meet my family and find out if I am going to like them or not. I do want to know for I look like my dad or my siblings. I want to know everyone outside of the main family. But at the chance of losing something I've had for so long.I tell him about family traditions. His face expression says disapproval.
"Making it much harder for me to let you go off with them."
I exhale deeply. "I don't know if I want to go. I've only started to appreciate mom and other things. I don't want to give that up for my actual family. We haven't spent enough time together."
His arm swings around me and tugs me closer to him. "I agree. If you do go you should appreciate the family you'll be leaving behind. You'll always be a part of that."
    I move away from his arm and put my head in the pillow. What's with the if's. I want to go but why would I want to go at the risk of leaving them behind. Mom already wants me to go back. It's like she hasn't even thought about it. I hear Josh call me in a relaxed voice.
"I don't think they want me around anyway. Mom has been dragging me around from my seizures to me self harming. I don't think she wants to put up with me anymore. You sound like you want to get rid of me too."
     I hear his dad calling him and I take it as my leave. I almost fall going down but Josh pulls me up against him for some seconds. I walk down much slower. In my house I walk past mom without raising my head.