The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 21

Josh drops me off first. Me. He drops me off first. This is such a shellbomb I wish I could throw it at him instead of holding it. If you love someone deeply you'll probably hold the bomb if it eat they could live.
I would have or could have been less angry if Josh hadn't said he's going to chill with Janessa. If Alice is right he would notice how jealous I am that I'm sulking in it silently. In my mind I only scream how could you do this to me. Outside I am composed and inside I'm erupting lava called jealousy.
I pretend to go inside until he's driven off. I go back out to sit on the porch. As I sit the block turns black. Must be a power outage. I don't care much. I wouldn't care at all if I got to see the stars dancing across the sky. I should have stopped him but that wouldn't make him happy. Josh's absence feels like the weight of the world and I think my shoulders are about to give.
I head inside once the power comes back on. I slip past the living people in the living room to slip into the dying girl of the dying room. How did I lose him? I ask myself each step I walk up. Did I subconsciously feel trapped? And if so did another female looked at my prison and called him a church? It's not like I've known him since the beginning of time. I don't deserve to feel this way. I shouldn't be given this permission. It's permission she should have or anyone else besides me.

I glide into U.S History with my music lower than it has ever been. Notes are being taken. I hand Mr. Issac my absent note and he looks at my wrist with sympathy. I take my seat in the front and state at the smart board. I can't take notes. It's a blessing but taking notes would distract me from who might or might not be in the back of the class. Mr. Issac hands me printed out notes.
He whispers, "So from where to where did your hand get burnt?" I point to where my thumb ends and some where behind the beginning of my wrist. I honestly didn't notice how bad it was until this morning.
I sit back and sink into my music. Each time one song ends another one even more sad than that one comes. That's the thing about metal, most of it comes off pretty sad; speaking every word you can't say without stuttering. The current song playing was Sleepwalking by Bring Me The Horizon. In all honesty it made want to put my head down and just sulk. Things I'm good at: sulking while listening to melal. Sulking without listening to metal. Good list I must say. Hope I get paid to sulk when I'm an adult. I'll probably be flithy rich and still sulk.

The bell rung. I am normally the first one out of the class. Everyone takes their time I just need to be out of that classroom. Third period is swim gym. Of course I never changed. I once had nice legs. I once had nice legs. Not anymore. It was only once.
I skip swim gym. It just makes no sense staying. A lot of things aren't worthy the stay. I'm surprised I hadn't self harmed. I deserve chicken tenders because of that. And each other time I ignore the urge I'll get chicken tenders. It's a wonderful way to treat myself and I always want chicken tenders.
"Why are you wondering the halls?" Stacey asks. "I know you have class." She has a smirk on her face. I don't answer and keep strolling the halls. "Don't you ignore me!"
Sorry Stac I'm just not up for it today. Everyone is on Earth and I'm in Jupiter because I just keep getting stupider. I wish stupider was a word. I just sound very illiterate.

Ash and Stacey drag me to lunch. I willingly went. It was awkward. We- well they normally sit at a table filled with other girls but we sat at a table near the back. Isolated and cornered. No place to run.
They question,"Okay so what's happening with you and Josh?"
"No idea what you're talking about" I reply back with the wave of my uncooked hand. They look at each other.
"See you're lying," Ash argues. "We was with him yesterday night. As if he'd go somewhere without you and bring a completely different girl."
Friends are annoying.
"Don't push it" Stacey says. I was going to thank her. "If nothing is happening you'll come to McDonald's with us after you get off work. We'll be waiting."
She drags Ash off. What a hard bargain I'm working with. I forgot I have work today. I think I'll just get fired if I keep missing work. That wouldn't be so bad. I face these decisions on the phone with my old boss. At first I was calm about it but I couldn't deny the fact I hated that job. I might miss it when I need money but only one person can call me worthless, that's me and me alone.
That solved most of problems. Just not the fact I'd have to wait until seven to met them at McDonald's or they know I might get fired. I walk to library near our school. A bigger book selection is what I could use. I see Ash in front of the library steps. This was a trick at its purest form. Of course they'd know I get fired and of course they'd know I'd go to the library. We wait for Josh and Stacey without uttering a world.

Was it awkward? Yes it was? Was I trying not to make it less awkward? No I wasn't. I just let it flow like a river. Do I speak to Josh? No I sit next to him awkwardly and rush off the bus forgetting about McDonald's. I feel like a stranger to someone I was just becoming comfortable with.
Mom is packing up the kitchen with Deren. I am utterly confused but this is an emotion I always feel. It's either in school, at home, or in the midst of self harm I embark in.
"So did someone but the house?" I ask and they both turn to stare at me. I guess they realized I was in the kitchen.
"No" mom answers. "But you remember my aunt. She's gonna move in with her kids and I just have to change the bill to her name."
"Oh okay. Should I start packing?"
Stop being awkward I tell myself. Deren slides out the kitchen carrying a box.
"No. Must of your stuff is packed. Everything else is kinda staying behind for your aunt. We leave tomorrow."
I nod and slip outside onto the porch. I rest on the bench and pull the blanket on me. It's first day of December. It's just not bubble jacket freezing. I close my eyes; with no intentions of going to sleep.
I can hear the sounds of an engine coming down the block. It sounds closer and closer to my house. The sound stops, I hear the car door slam and snow crunching at the sounds of someone's feet being in it. The porch step creeks and I sit up.
"What the hell?" Josh says frighteningly.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. What are you doing over here?"
"Uh just dropped your video camera off. There's new footage or what we did today."
Josh hands me the video camera with a piece of paper around it. Must be the people he's already done and addresses for me to put on the map. He sits next to me.
"Thanks. I was going to ask one of you to do some I just never had the time."
"What happened to you yesterday?"he asks. "You disappeared on us."
"I went to get chicken tenders. And I told you but you was too busy excluding me out the conversation and flirting" I add a higher tone to flirting.
He chuckles. "You know Janessa is my cousin? And she's only in the eighth grade."
I feel like an idiot. It just proves how jealous I was. This is worse than not being able to be around. I don't even want to admit I was jealous. Better than a childhood friend I suppose.
"And you went off to get chicken tenders on your own. Look who's getting all brave" he adds.
"This doesn't change the fact you left me exclude of the conversation and you dropped me off first."
I lean my head on his shoulder. This doesn't take me out of the clear that I was jealous over an eighth grader. Time to get my priorities checked out. Josh puts his arm under the blanket and wrapped it me. At least my temperature stays the same around him.
"How's everything?" I ask.
"Planning the funeral. Not a fun not fun at all. That's not important at the moment. Any new cuts?"
"Nope" I say proudly.
"Great" and he leans over to kiss my cheek.

Author's note: I struggled with this chapter but it still came out the same way I wanted it. I hope you enjoyed and don't forget to vote.