The Fault In Our Minds

Fault

During the ride back to Staten Island we pull over for some gas. I wait in the car with sleeping Josh though I get out and walk a good distance away from the car. I make a call and break some hearts.
Then we are back driving. And even home we don't go home. We drive around some just talking about future goals. It feels like the cliché ending of a movie but I approve of this cliché moment.
Denying calls from our parents and forgetting responsibilities. I spent so much time worrying about adulting when I should have been kidding. I was taking it too serious because I was scared. And for the moment and I hope forever from this moment on I'm not scared. Just reckless old me. But nothing old about me changed except I became more reckless. I could never exchange that not even for something better.

All of them crash at my house. Mom and Deren don't throw fits about me bringing them over or being an idiot. From that point on it was serious but still stupid. We took finals and studied together. We passed together. We took regents and barely passed together but still passed. It was all an amazing time from start to finish. And everything I ever hated was everything I loved. That including getting along with Megan but I guess that was bound to happen.
Now I prepare for the worse.

Josh comes in my room and he closes the door. It's pure silent. The silent we once held that was awkward. Then he hugs me.
"I don't need the hug. Trust me. I'm okay."
He nods and heads back downstairs. I did not expect it to work out like that. I take half of everything. Only half. I have to take half. I only have ten minutes. I do some jumping jacks until I can find myself calm. I seal the envelope shut. Scribble words on it and run downstairs. I hear the horn. Mom is sitting rubbing her belly. I never got to congratulate her. No one just calls their friends over and expect good news.
"Well if it isn't obvious I'm leaving." I say it like some asshole and Stacey has me on the ground waiting for me to say mercy.
"You made a promise don't you remember." Her grip tightens.
"Stacey don't make this harder on me. I have to go. It's been twelve years and I can't spend another birthday way. I have to go with them. I have to."
"Traitor" she says and goes into the kitchen. The runts attack my legs. You gotta stop making this hard on me.
"I'm sorry. I spent most of my time here withering away at every moment I couldn't be with my biological parents. I'll be back after I graduate and I'll invite you to the graduation along with coming to vist. I just can't stay another year away from them."
Jordan cries out no. Josh pulls me up to the stairs immediately. I expect him to be mad for not telling him. He doesn't seem mad. I wish he'd show it. I'd feel less- I don't know. I still don't understand all these feelings.
"I already knew you was leaving. It wasn't after surprise to me nor anyone else. Well maybe Stacey and your sisters."
"I'm-"
"Don't apologize. This is best for you even if it sucks for everyone else. I'm happy just as I am sad."
I smile. "I'm more sad then happy. I didn't't get to know you enough. Like why you lied about your favorite color."
His laugh echos and it's nice to see someone is going to smile out of this. Someone besides the ones in the car. I'll miss this so I'll keep it as a memory.
"I lied about my favorite color because you looked so excited to say yellow. I swear to god I knew I loved you from that moment on. My favorite color is actually green."
I punch his arm. "Mine too but of course that's lie. You'll just have to find out."
I turn my back away to hide the truth that laid on my face. I really did like the color green. It gorgeous yet disgusting at the same time and no one could deny that. I turn back to face Josh and kiss his cheek. A kiss on the cheek that doesn't stay like that. It had to be intoxicating kiss on the lips in order for both of us to be satisfied.
Josh gives me an envelope but I won't open it until I get in the car. I embrace a group hug and a much longer hug from Deren. I mutter him a compliment and he gets too cocky about it. I needed to give him more credit he wasn't so bad. Neither of them was so bad.
Stacey had her head on the kitchen counter. I rub her back and she shakes at my touch. "If you have to go you have to make sure to never be friend someone named Stacey."
"I can keep this promise" I say and I will. I allow her to sob in my chest, making my shirt wet. I allow this for the last time.
I watch Josh speak with Daniel. I would not call him dad. Not just yet. It might take me a year or more. Doesn't matter. I haven't even left but I feel gone. I extend my hands for Josh to pull me up.
"Don't you open that envelope until you miss us. Read it every time you miss us."
I nod and kiss him on the cheek. Kissing in front of everyone was a little too much. I close the car door and rip the envelope open. When I'm done reading I cry into my knees. I can feel Jack looking at me. I look at them one more time before the car pulls off. I cry so unbelievable hard Rebecca was convinced I was choking. Mom would handle all the paper work and I'd be enrolled in a different school. I can already see it. I disapprove of it yet accept it.

Author's note: The song might seem a little irrelevant but I could only think of this song when Ryan was leaving. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.