The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 31

I spin around in my chair. Slowly and with not much energy. Josh starts to wake up toward four thirty. He lays still and looks at the ceiling. Must be something he normally does after waking up.
"Why do you look upset?"
"Because...they think they make me unhappy."
"Who's they?"he request.
"Jordan and Pandora. I had no idea that was the case. Do you mind taking us to the bowling center?"
"Are the faults being done there as well?"
I nod in response. I feel too- yes that's the problem I feel too much. And all these feelings need to disappear off the face of the earth.
"You still have time Ryan. It's not like you're leaving now. It's not like you have to leave."
I keep that in mind. I have been acting like I was leaving this instance. I have acting like I was leaving. I hadn't even made my decision. I couldn't afford to act like that with so much time left.
"I love your turn arounds. From pessimistic to optimistic, it's just fantastic," he coos.
I roll my eyes and kick his sneakers over to his feet. Josh throws a pillow at me, I roll away dodging it just in time. "I guess while you get all dolled up I'll inform my parents of today's trip."
In a questioning tone he says, "Parents?"
"S-Shut up!"
I dip into the hallway. I said parents; that's embarrassing. Embarrassing because I said it in front of Josh. Embarrassing because I keep repeating my sentence over and over. I speak through the door with mom. I'm not exactly ready to see her. Or speak to her on certain subjects. Or any subjects.
I inform the runts on our department in twenty minutes. They scramble for something to wear. I wonder where mom takes them. They always come back happy with some stuff. I wonder why she never takes me anywhere.
The deal with me and mom is after dad divorced her she pretty much terrorized me of every bad thing in the world. I didn't become as paranoid as her I just expected some bad to always happen to me. (Maybe I was as paranoid as her) I can distinctly remember her telling me no one can be trusted because they can easily be a terrorist. She went into full detail about every shitty thing that happened to her and before her. She was basically a history teacher.
After that I wasn't let outside much. Well I didn't want to go outside. I guess you could say I was scared on top of mom telling me how naive I am, how I can easily be kidnapped and found in a ditch. (Thus where 'I'll probably be found in a ditch' thing comes in) Besides all of that my skin burned easily and I'd normally get seizures each time I stepped outside. It made no difference from when I was inside. I'd just get seizures.
After I turned ten I didn't get burned by the sun much or get seizures. Only occasionally I'd step outside. I wouldn't even bother going far, like outside the gates all hell would break lose. That didn't make much of a difference from inside. My room was a sanctuary; when I left I felt stalked by a predator or made up scenarios of me falling through the floor or down the stairs. Snapping my neck. Stepping on a needle and getting an infection. Pouring and drinking bleach (of course that was unlikely but you know I still thought of it). Basically I thought death had it out for me and left traps for me to get killed. Most of my life had been based around predicting my death or being careful to avoid my death. I wonder if I kept myself from going to school, from being a normal kid.

My thinking is interrupted with Pandora jumping on me. I take its their sign of let's go. Jordan let's me know that Josh is waiting in the car for us. I get in the passenger seat and put my head against the window.
"Do we have to wear seat belts?" Jordan asks.
"Unless you want my buddy Josh to slam the breaks to hard your body launches out of place and you break something...be my guest." The sound of the seat belts make Josh's lips twitch a smile.
They both ask, "Are you and Josh a couple?"
We answers no at the same time.
"You can be close friends with a girl and not have any romantic feelings," Josh lectures but his eyes say something different.
I have no response for his response. At first I thought you could be friends with a boy and not have any type of romantic feelings for them; now it just seems impossible. We haven't even spoke about it, at least not enough. All I've ever said is sort of or I don't know. I'm probably just wasting his time trying to sort out my feelings. I haven't acknowledged his full on. Yet I get jealous over any girl speaking to him. For Josh everything will always be out of my control and unsure.