The Fault In Our Minds

Fault 30

I don't even head to school. After I leave the house I wait around for a bit and get on the ferry. I guess mom will know I didn't go to school being I left my bag in the kitchen. I wish I'd stop switching from optimistic into pessimistic in miliseconds.
     I sit on the balcony. It's some what hot today. The temperature dropped. Yesterday it was 89 degrees, today it's 69. I prefer this better than the hotness I had to live through yesterday. I don't mind the heat until it's at the point I'm dripping in sweat.
    I felt my phone vibrate twice in my hand, must be mom I assume but it's Josh. I read it but don't respond. My phone keeps vibrating from his text. I eventually put my phone on silent.
"I don't feel like being bother today" I say as if he's next to me.
"Well get over it. I'm gonna bother you all day."
I lift my head up at the voice. "Josh! What are you doing here?"
"I saw you not heading to school. You left yesterday as if I didn't have something much more important to tell you." He cups up my face. "Stop skipping class and get prepared in swim gym."
     I blink, thinking it was something serious for it only to be as small as that. I eyeball him with a grin. "Any more useless information I need to know?"
"Yes. Stop making it seem like no one wants you."
I scoof. "Mom wants me? She must have lies to you."
"Do you think I don't want you?" His voice is stern and straight to the point.
    I narrow my eyes to the deck and then to the sky. I wouldn't answer that because I am so unsure. One minute I just want to keep him close and the next I want him far apart. Out of all these feelings I will never comprehend any of my emotions.
Josh has his head tilted to the sky but I can feel his glare on my bones. He says,"Ryan it's like you're scared to be loved or to love anyone."
I defend myself, "I mean that's not the case. I just can't trust anyone. Even mom or sometimes you. I think everyone around me is just pulling a huge prank on me. Like that don't even need to finish it because having my trust is just as funny. I don't believe you really like me. Or maybe you're just out for my innocence-"
Josh cuts me off, "Stop it Ryan I know I'm a manipulating son of a bitch but I'm not that sick to-"
I interrupt midway through. "You could easily do what you did to everyone else to me. You already know every vulnerable part of me I wouldn't be surprised if you-"
"Stop treating me like my dad" Josh says in a quiet tone. "You sound like my mom. Stop comparing us. Just stop it."
    I mutter sorry in my head. I scoot close to him but he scoots away. Great. I hurt his feelings. I rub my head and discipline myself. What should I say to make him feel better? I am literally crap at people's feelings and my own. I didn't mean to say all that. I just thought it was a time to be honest. Poor Josh.
Josh speaks first. "Ryan I really like having you around especially now that we're neighbors even if we might not have enough time together. That doesn't matter I'm glad I got to see all those vulnerable parts of you."
"I'm sorry for what I said. I also really like you. I don't know feelings are weird."
     Josh pulls me close to him and kisses my cheek. He whispers something against my cheek but I'm too busy muttering apologies.

I do get dressed in swim gym. Make up is a blessing. My scars didn't go too visible. My struggle with swim gym was more precisely my hair. When I left the pool I smelt like it. Not even a shower would help. I'd have to pull out every piece that curled together. Swim gym almost makes me regret having hair.
     My arms feel heavy and saggy all the way up to lunch. Learning how to swim is not worth it at these trying cost. I'm the first one at our table. Anastacia comes by but she looks frighten to sit next to me. When everyone else fills she sits. Not the type of relationship I wanted with her. I'd consider myself to be some what like Niccolo Machiavelli. It is better to be feared than love, if you cannot be both. Except I don't make plans to run a kingdom.
"Ryan, my little baby face" Ash sung with her hands together. "Would you be a dear and do some faults with us today?"
   I hadn't forgotten about the project. I just needed time for myself. They have been doing a lot more faults than me and Josh. Josh has only done one making that a different story. I guess I can build up some energy to do some. I go to my email on my phone.
"It's okay me and Josh will do some for a while. Thanks for filling in for us." I throw a grape at Stacey who happened to not be listening to what I said.
She crows, "What was that for?"
"You're starring into space. I just said me and Josh will do some faults for a while."
     She's still dazing off. I follow her direction. She's only servalliancing at some guy across from us sitting alone. Looks like me from the beginning of the school year. The table ooo's. I'd say everyone acts too much like a teenager but then again we are teenagers. I think I could join in on this.
I egged on, "So what's the story? Stac I want some details."
Her cheeks light up. "What's the details with Josh? I know you two got a little thing going on." I clear my throat with fake laughs and coughs. "If you know Josh really well he loves him mom far too much for him to start smiling for absolutely no reason."
I don't know josh well. We seem to focus on me a lot.
"This is about you kiddo. Not me" I say changing the subject.
"Well for your information there is no story. I just think he's cute."
"So cute you have to keep staring at him" Anastacia mumbles to Ash. I take some glances at him every now and then. I clean up my stuff and stand up.
"Do not go speaking to him" Stacey barks.
"I'm going to see Josh."
    I walk quickly away and hear the ooo's. I should ask more questions about him. I never even bothered to ask questions about him. The signs of being a terrible friend. I hop to the back of the library, where he normally is.
"Josh! We got faults to do" I sing. I grin and aggressively sprint to him. I take hold of his hand. "Ahh...Megan that's why you wasn't at lunch." I spell out mine and drag him away from her.
"It's not what you think" he says as I drag him.
"I know don't worry about it. Want to do some faults today? If you can fit in your schedule."
"Yeah I'm leaving after this period."
I pull his cheek. "Are you okay?"
"Don't worry about me. Enjoy your Friday."
    I would not accept that for an answer. I'd ask again later on. I schedule for three faults. If Josh is up for it I'll let him do it. Once sixth period ends I cling to his arm. Nothing has been confirmed I just want to prove a point to the lurking Megan behind us.
"So Josh are you okay to do some faults?"
"Yeah I just want to take a nap. If you don't mind."
    I agree with him and walk home. I began to notice that each time I saw Josh near my old house it turns out Josh would stay with his mom more often than his dad. He pulls me to his house. Must want to ignore and argument. I'd get whatever information out of him before he naps. Clear mind for grateful naps.
"How did your mom died?"
"I don't want to answer" he answers.
"But you haven't spoke about it with me. You know me like a book and I don't even know you. That's unfair. Camaraderie remember?"
He rubs his cheek. "She was really sick like attached to wires lamps. Suffering sick. I pulled the plug. It was my decision or her step kids. I wasn't going to keep watching her suffer."
    If only I had more experience with death I could say something. I lay closer to him while pondering on a book I've read that involved mercy killing. I don't think there's something to say in this situation.
"Don't look for something to say. I shouldn't have done it. I just..."
"No its okay Josh. You didn't do anything wrong. She was suffering. Why would anyone love someone so much to let them suffer? There's no point."
"Thank you for understanding. I wish my family could."
     I lean into kiss his forehead just as he moves himself up on the pillow. My lips brush between his cupids bow and his upper lit. I snort and plant a better version of a kiss on his lips.
"You always surprise me" he says against my lips.
"Shut up and take a nap" I bawled.
"Kind of have other ideas but I guess I could use a nap."
    I analyze his facial features for a bit then lay down. Josh falls asleep instantly but me on the other hand stayed up. I go through emails and praise myself at how organized I've become. I try and find myself something to do while Josh sleeps. There's nothing for me to do.
    
Pandora and Jordan enter my room asking for me to take them somewhere. I say no and they start making a ruckus. I glare at them and point to sleeping Josh. They don't shut up until Jordan punches Pandora leaving a possibly bruise.
"Mom said not to bother her otherwise we'll make her unhappy or we might get her hurt again" she says in a whisper but her voice makes it echo.
     Of couese this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want them to think they made me unhappy. I mean for fucks sake mom made me like this but I some what love these runts. I didn't think this is what I did to them.
"Wait after Josh wakes up I'll take you to the bowling center and maybe afterwards we can get some food." Their bodies cling to my legs.
Only because I don't want them to think they made me unhappy.