What am I

30: Reflection

*Flashback*

“Harry, there’s something’s we have to tell you.” Seri said as she crawled into my lap. Zaffre was still sitting next me with her muzzle resting comfortably on my arm.

I didn’t like the way the she said that, there was something in her voice that made me nervous and scared. I wasn’t ready for came out of her mouth next.

“It’s almost time to leave…and when we get back…Harry, it’s, it’s not going to end well.” She stuttered. Narrowing my eyes in confusion, she continued hesitantly.

“H-Harry, Malphas…he’s…I know what he’s going to do. He can’t or won’t let us go. Harry….he’s going to kill us…Zaffre and I.” She whispered.

In that moment my heart stopped! Everything shifted from the bright happy place we were, to a dark room that smelled of rust and blood. Before I could stop it, Seri pulled me back into this heaven she created for us.

“Harry, I know it’s going to be hard but you have let it happen! I do-” I didn’t give her time to finish.

“NO! You think I’m just going to sit there and let it happen?! Now, after everything! You think I’m going to let you leave me?!” I said trying my best not to raise my voice. Though I could feel the anger building inside me.

“We don’t have a choice. He’ll do it sooner or later, at least this way he won’t be tempted to kill you as well!” she sniffled, holding her tears back as she looked into my eyes.

“Harry, I can let go knowing you out there. Knowing that you won’t give in and let them use you.” Her eyes blinking rapidly to keep the wetness from spilling over.

“Seri, I can’t. I can’t lose you! Both of you! I-I won’t!” I said, not one bit ashamed that I had let the tears fall in front of my girls. I loved them and there was no way I was going to be able to lose them and keep myself sane….or alive.

“HARRY!! DON’T YOU DARE THINK LIKE THAT!!!” she screamed, reading my thoughts. Seeing the different ways I contemplated ending my suffering, the different ways that would bring me back to them.

“You have to keep fighting! For m- for us!” she corrected herself just as Zaffre whimpered and snuggled closer to my side.

“Do you not understand?” I cried, “I can’t go on without you! I won’t want to, I can’t lose you. I just can’t!” I knew my argument wasn’t getting any better but I really didn’t know how to explain the pain I felt when I thought of a life without Seri and Zaffre. The world would just become a dark place and I wouldn’t care what creature took over.

“I do Harry, trust me, I do but…would you want me to give up if something happened to you? To just end it because I couldn’t live without you?”

Dammit, she had a point. I would be furious if I knew she had done something as rash as end her life just to try and be with me. I would move Heaven and Hell just to give her a chance to live an actual life. To find love again, to have babies…to grow old.

“I want all of that, for you. But I’m also selfish, Harry. Selfish enough to ask to put an end to it all. There are those, like me, who want something more. I just want them to have the chance I won’t.” I could see everything in her head.

It wasn’t just a chance for redemption, it was a chance at a life. The life she wished she could have with me. Her thoughts about how our life could have gone were killing me, eating me up inside to know that we would never get a chance to live that future.