He Loves Me Not *Under Editing*

A Short-Lived Dream

I enter Alex's room as he is eating lunch again.  I haven't been feeling nauseous lately so I steal some of his food.  Bad idea, I go to the bathroom and throw up again.  "Darling, I swear, if you aren't able to eat soon, I am having them put an IV in you."

"Ew no, I hate needles."  He chuckles as I walk out of the bathroom.  I had to admit that he was right. Though, I needed to eat.  I tried his food again and this time, I held it down.  He quickly ate what he wanted and left the rest to me.  I scarfed it down and pushed the tray away.  

He pulled me to lay down by him.  The bed was small, but ours at home were a little smaller.  He laid one hand on my stomach and turned his face to my ear.  "I think we need to have a talk."

"About?"  He rubbed my stomach gently.

"This."

"Oh, about that..."

"I really don't want you to give it up."

"You mean, you are completely willing to give up your life to care for two kids?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because it gives me more of you to love."  I blushed and laid my hand over his.  

"Good, because I didn't want to get rid of them either."

"Them?"

"Oh, I was going to tell you, they took me for a pap smear.  They're twins.  I was going to tell you, but when I came back you were asleep."

"Now I have three people that I love more than the entire world."

"Don't let our parents hear you say that."

"Fuck 'em."  He nuzzled into my neck and I reached for his face.  

"Laurie thought of names."

"Oh no."

"They are actually kind of cute."

"What are they?"

"Chai and Cammy."

"Okay, I agree with them, but if one is a boy, it will be Cam instead of Cammy."

"Alright.  But we can't tell Chyna about the Cammy part."

"Why not?"

"Cam broke up with her."

"That son of a bitch."

"She's really torn up about it, so I have been tiptoeing around it."

"Good idea."

"And um, the whole school knows."

"About the breakup or my surgery?"

"Neither..."

"How did they know you were pregnant?"

"Emily."  He muttered something illegible under his breath.  

"I never knew I would go from shy outcast to Hartlet in seconds."  He tensed and clenched his hands into fists.

"Don't call yourself that."

"Why not?  Everyone else is."  I could hear his teeth grinding in his ear and his heart rate was going up.  I rubbed my hand against his cheek and the other grabbed the hand on my stomach.  He calmed down a little but I could tell that he was still mad.  I turned my face to his and his eyes filled with desire.  I kissed his nose and his heart rate rised again.  I sighed happily as he pulled me into him.

"How is it possible to love two babies so much even though you don't know them."  I whispered into his neck.

"I have no idea, but I hope that I never wake up from this dream"

Even though it was only six, we fell asleep in each others arms.  I slept perfectly still until midnight...

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I woke up in the middle of the night with an excruciating pain in my lower abdomen.  I hit Alex's chest until he let me go and went into the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up.  I sat over the toilet dry heaving as Alex turned on a light.  I could hear him rubbing the sleep from his eyes and sitting up.  "Cyd?"

"One sec."  I tried to throw up a couple more times before I finally gave up.

"Did I start bleeding yesterday?"

"No why?"

"Because there is a bit of blood where you were sleeping."  I ran over to him and pulled up his gown until I found the stitches from his surgery.  They were fine.  I checked around the area for dried blood and found none.  So where was it coming from?  I sat on the bed and Alex put his hand on my thigh.  He pulled it away and I saw his hand glistening with red liquid.

I ran to the bathroom.  The blood was coming from me.  "Alex!  Press the nurse button."

I heard the beeping as my world started to spin.  I knew that I shouldn't be bleeding.  Nurses rushed in.  "My girlfriend is bleeding, and she's pregnant."

I came out of the bathroom as nurses started swarming me.  One looked at the bed as another ran out of the room and brought back a wheelchair.  "Please, please don't let this happen.  I just want one thing to go right."  I kept whispering this mantra as they wheeled me out of the room and Alex pleaded with a nurse to come.

I don't know if he got his wish because as they were wheeling me down the hall, I feebly grasped my stomach and passed out.

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I woke up in a bright room in a hospital gown.  As I sat up I saw Alex in the corner.  He had his head in his hands.  I searched my subconcious for memories.  The last thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital bed with Alex.  "Alex, what's going on?"

He looked up suddenly.  His face was streaked with tears as he wheeled himself over to me.  Once he got over to my bed, he sniffled and grabbed my hand.  With a strangled voice he uttered, "We lost them."

All of a sudden, everything rushed back.  The blood, the wheelchair, the nurse, my pleading.  I started wailing like a banshee, the only thoughts going through my heads were, 'My babies'.  Alex stood up and cradled me in the bed as I cried into his chest.  I heard a nurse come in, and felt Alex's body quake as he forced them to leave.  

I just wanted to die, I had lost two important things to me, my boyfriend just had surgery and I was supposed to be taking care of him, not the other way around.

I wept, I wept for my babies, I wept for my patheticness, I wept for Chyna, I wept for Cam, I wept for Alex's surgery, I wept at the words people called me at school, I wept because Laurie wouldn't get to see the children linked to the names, and I wept because I couldn't do anything right.

I could only feel my body shivering and Alex's slight tremors as he cried with me.  Other than that, my body was numb.  My eyes had run out of tears so I just sat like a zombie.  Nurses came in and checked charts, shined lights in my eyes, poked and prodded me, but I just sat there.  I wanted to die, and since I was still alive for now, I had to act like I was dead.  What did people think I was going to do?  Be happy and smile after miscarrying twins?

I may not have known about them for a while, but I finally thought I could get something right.  Not anymore I guess.  The universe was just out to prove that I couldn't do anything right, and I was going to let it.  Starting now.