He Loves Me Not *Under Editing*

The Talk

It had been three weeks since Alex and I were officially a couple.  Everything was going great.  Laurie had backed off, Ms. Anderson was in an excellent mood, and Cameron and Chyna were also dating. Alex and I were inseparable.  He would play with my hair and rub my back a lot.  He even changed his elective so he could be with me in Spanish.  I had permanently taken up volunteering in his classes for the afternoon.  I got extra credits and I could spend time with him. 

We had an understanding that I didn't like football so I never went to any of his games.  He didn't expect me to, but he let me keep the letterman jacket.

It was our three week anniversary, he picked me up from school.  I could tell something was on his mind and I was debating whether or not to ask.  I didn't have to, he did it for me.  "I love you Cyndey."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I am a horrible person."

"No, you aren't Cyd."

"You can't love me Alex."  He pulled over and looked at me.  I stared at the glove box.  After I opened it he always tried to do it himself.  He didn't' hit it in the right place and for that I was glad.  Since he never opened it, it was never cleaned out.  That was where Isaiah kept all of his photos.  Not that he needed them, he vanquished the world and relinquished it.  I bit my thumbnail.  Alex was waiting for me to continue and I didn't know how.

I leaned forward and hit the glove box.  It sprang open and I grabbed a couple pages of photo paper.  I kept my head down and thrust my full hand towards him.  He picked up the papers and thumbed through them.  "What is this."

"I was her."

"You?"

"Yeah."  Isaiah and I went out on a few dates last year.  I asked that he didn't tell anyone about me and he respected my wishes.  He would talk about me but never used my name.  We were happy.  

I start wiping the tears that fell.  Alex crumpled up the photos.  "How?"

"I told you, I can't drive a stick."  He hit the steering wheel.  I looked up in shock.  I grabbed the balls of memories and put them in my backpack.  "Get out."

"Alex-"

"Get. Out."  I opened the door and ran home.  It was only a couple blocks.  I unlocked my door and ran inside.  My mom sensed something was wrong and called in from work.  

She came into my room where I haphazardly threw myself onto my bed and was trying to suffocate myself with the pillow.  She touched my elbow and I sat up.  I refused to look her in the eyes.  "You told him didn't you?"

"Yeah, hiccup, I did."  I could feel her sorrowful eyes on my back.  She got up from the bed and left the room.  I thought that our love story was done.  But I was wrong.  My phone started vibrating and I glanced at the screen.  Seeing his face I brightened up a little.  Maybe we weren't over.  I picked up the phone.  "You killed him."

"Alex no-"

"Let me finish.  You killed my best friend.  You told no one.  Then, only after I confess my love for you, you tell me what you did.  I gave you my heart and you stomped on it.  Every day I drove you to school in his car.  Every day.  Every day I held your hand that sent my best friend to his death.  Every fucking day Cydney.  You have no regret for what you did.  Don't speak to me again."  Click.  

I threw my phone across the room.  I got up and retrieved it.  The screen was cracked in a lot of places, but it still worked.  I texted Chyna telling her that I wouldn't be at school today. Or ever again for that matter.  I called Cameron and got left with a voice mail so I did the same thing.  For about four hours I alternated between deadly calm and a hysterical mess.  I was calm when Chyna called me at lunch.  "Okay chicharron, Alex is sitting across from me fuming right now.  What is going on?"

"After this, you are still going to talk to the bitch?"  That was Alex in the background.  Cam told him to shut up and I broke down again.

"I told him about Isaiah."

"Honey, I'm sorry."  Alex started speaking again in the background.  He had nothing nice to say.  I hung up on them.  My mom came back in.  "Okay chica, it's time for us to have a talk."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I know, but you're going to.  Chyna called and told me what happened."  I glared at her.  "Let me finish."

"Fine."

"You're going to remember it.  All of it, for a long time.  The first time you both met eyes, and the first time he touched you.  The first time he called you beautiful, and the first time he said 'I love you.'  It's going to hurt like hell, but you can't let it defeat you.  Show him that you can breathe without him, even though it seems like you can't.  You did nothing wrong in telling him.  He deserved to know the truth.  I will let you have a heartbreak day today, but tomorrow, you are going to school.  Tomorrow you are going to face your demons.  Now, who wants ice cream?"

I smile slightly and take a spoon from her outstretched hand.  She pulls out my favorite flavor of ice cream -mint chocolate chip- and we dig in.  A gallon of ice cream later, she has me in a fit of laughter. Dad comes home and we tell him what happened.  Well, mom does.  I hide in my room.  I go onto my instagram and block Alexander.  Then I post about what happened.  He doesn't deserve to know how I feel, but the rest of my friends do.

I go to sleep and have a dream.  In it, Isaiah is there.  "Cyd, you did nothing wrong."

"Tell that to Alex."

"Alex loves you.  He just needs time to figure it out.  He has been blaming himself for a year."

"He has?"

"Yeah, he told me to come to the pizza place instead and blow you off for a night.  I said no and he thinks that if he would have tried harder then I would still be here."

"You should have."

"Thompson, I regret nothing.  I taught you how to drive, it's my piece of shit car's fault.  I don't like that Alex has it.  But be sure to oil it regularly."

"He said he never wants to talk to me again."

"He didn't mean it."

"How do you know?"

"I'm dead, I get to know a whole hell of a lot."  After that, he disappears.  I wake up and see my alarm has a minute before it goes off.  I wait then slam the sleep button.  I jump out of bed and get ready for the day.  I grab some coffee before I head out the door.  Chyna's volkswagen is sitting there with her behind the wheel.  It starts to rain as I open the passenger door.  Cameron is sitting in the back.  Chyna starts conversation as we pull away from the curb.  "We have all been exiled."

"What?"

"Alex stopped talking to all of us when we told him that we knew what happened too."

"I'm sorry guys."  I turn to Cam and he opens his mouth.  "If he was going to be this much of a dick to my best friend then I don't want to be around him anyway."

"But you're his best friend too."

"Yeah, but only after Isaiah.  I was yours before I was his.  And you aren't a bitch.  Even when you are on your period."

"Thanks?"

"No problem chicharron."  I groan.  I hated that nickname.  It isn't my fault that they fell down my shirt when Chyna threw the container at me. 

After a few minutes, we arrive at our hell.  I take a deep breath until I get into the weather that matches my mood.  I mutter that I can be without him under my breath until I get to English.  Anderson looks at me and shows no emotion.  I feel as if she knows but she can't say anything.  I sit down and read the textbook.  

Then he walks in.