Everything Would Change

Can't Back Down

Mac

I had tried staying clean for Demi, I'd tried keeping in contact but having her constantly telling me I can do this and I'm so strong and her little fighter but having her be what feels like a million miles away was ruining me. I couldn't take having her but not having her, I was done. I had been ignoring her since this morning, I'd thought it wouldn't be obvious or wouldn't matter but as I'm sitting at home on my bed I checked my phone for the millionth time today and saw the string of texts and the missed calls.Unlocking my phone I decide to go through the texts, I had thought not opening them would make it easier but it hadn't it had made it so much harder.

D: Morning baby girl, I'm heading to the gym and then the studio,how's your dad been?

D: Baby girl, just in the studio now, how is school today?

D: Baby girl...

D: Mac are you alive?

D: Okay well I'm gonna go record I'll talk to you tonight

D: Hey Baby girl....are we still on to skype...we usually skype after school?

It only got worse from there, she was worried and she cared but I knew a clean break would be best. She didn't need to constantly worry about me or be burdened with my issues anymore she would move on and she would be better off. I locked my phone and threw it across the room, why did she have to care so goddamn much! I just want to be left alone! I'm so sick of her interfering and making me feel so fucking awful for wanting to cut! Looking at my hands I could see the slight shake of anger and got up heading straight for the bathroom.

I didn't care anymore and now that I was going to lose Demi I didn't care what I did. I opened my draw and started throwing things out trying to get to my blades, cotton tips, make up wipes and tissues went flying and then I saw them.

I sunk to the floor with my box of blades and that's when I saw Demi's secret stash of cute things to help me not cut. I began sobbing, big tears that gave me hiccups and made my chest ache. I hate her; I hate her for making me care what she thinks and how she feels and how this will hurt her. I opened the box and forgot why I didn't want to cut, forgot why Demi tried so hard to help. I forgot everything.

All I could see; all I could feel was the blade in my hand. After I had made the cuts I just got so frustrated I started hitting my hands on the floor, I needed to feel more, the cutting wasn't enough. I stopped, my breathing ragged, and looked at the mess I had created. I had put my blood all over the floor and bath and sink, I had also managed to break my hanging shower holder thing...

I quietly cleaned up when I saw an incoming face time request from Demi...god how am I going to do this to her, I already feel awful.

...

It had only been 3 days since I stopped talking to Demi, but everything had gotten so much worse. Dad was coming in every night again and my mum was beginning to blame me for it, she'd started drinking more and more. Yesterday she threw a beer bottle at me, the week before she'd thrown a wine glass. I was trying to ignore it and stay away as much as possible. The only thing that had really changed was Bronte, she was still horrible and her friends still beat me up but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. I think when they stuck me in a chair it really freaked them out, but I'm sure in a week they will be over it and it'll get worse again.

I pulled my phone out to message Ronnie, she knew what I was doing with Demi and didn't support it but once she'd realized how serious I was about it she just shut up. I unlocked my phone and saw 10 unread texts and 2 missed calls. Demi. 3 days and she still was messaging me daily and calling. I knew it wouldn't be long till she stopped altogether. As I went to lock my phone she started calling, a facetime request. Couldn't I have both, not talking to Demi...but not avoiding her, I just wanted her here. It isn't fair. I heard my dad open the door downstairs and yell for me, so I hit answer and ran to my window. There was just enough space for me to stand on the roof next to my window so my dad wouldn't find me. Demi practically screamed when I answered and then asked where I was "hold on Demi I'm just trying to get through my window" I glanced down at my phone and saw her confused expression and laughed "Dad's home and the first thing he did when he opened the door was yell my name, so I'm going to stand on the roof next to my window and hope he isn't smart enough to look there" I saw her nod and put my phone in my back pocket while I climbed out.