Dear Jen

Boring

August 5th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

So what did Mom say when you told her about my mental health? Because she hasn't acted any differently towards me at all. Does she know that I know that you told her? (confusing question xD) 

Today I didn't do much of anything, hence the title. That word is the only word to describe my life at the moment xD 

I was trying to stay up late last night, actually until 4 a.m., for a video game thing, but Mom came down and told me I really needed to go to bed and get proper rest. And I understood why and agreed with her, but Dark was waiting up with me as well and it made me really upset that I couldn't spend time with him. I always get so unreasonably upset when either of us has to say goodbye or goodnight. It's irrational, but I'm not surprised. I can be really clingy.

So I got really upset and ranted a little to Dark, and he told me to calm down, I realized how much I was overreacting, and then all the anger I had immediately turned to self-punishment. One huge problem I have right now is telling people how I really feel or what I really want, especially Dark. It's really, really hard for me to understand how I'm seen in other people's eyes because of how I see myself. I'm convinced that me telling them that I'm upset is a complete burden to them because who would want to listen to me? Who wants to take their time to listen to my stupid problems that shouldn't matter but really do? That's how my brain thinks, but I do want you to know that I don't feel that way with you. Maybe it's just because you're family, and my best friend, but I don't think I've ever felt that way with you. Maybe because I know that you're not going anywhere no matter what, so I don't have to impress you. So thank you for that (:

So I was really upset for a while after and fell asleep very annoyed with myself, and those kinds of feelings always linger when I wake up, which isn't fun. My brain can't decide which is better; just trying to be happy or trying to make other people happy. I really think the latter is important, but the first one is the bigger problem at the moment. 

But yeah, that was my day, adding on playing my game and eating yummy food. I just recently had a BLT for the first time, and I'm telling you, I don't know how I've been alive until now. Who came up with that combination? They were magic, I'm telling you. 

I hope you had a good and possibly eventful day, and thanks for listening to me (: I've been telling people that I appreciate them taking their time to listen to me talk about my problems a lot lately, and I really, really mean it. I don't talk to many people about my problems because of aforementioned reasons, but I really appreciate those people. Especially you (: And I'm sorry if I don't seem like I care about any of your problems when you tell me them. I struggle with that.

Talk to you again tomorrow (:

Mel

p.s. I haven't been listening to much music these past few days xD but one of my all time favorite songs is Mountain by Said the Sky