Dear Jen

Okay

October 16th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

So I got your package, and I'm so happy! The Bestie book made me cry, and some of the stuff was really creative and wonderful! I love how easily that boosted my self esteem. I'll definitely be rereading that in the future 😊 I have yet to try the tea, but I'm excited! I'll probably have some tonight!

Okay. So Friday, I went to school until lunch (I was in a lot of pain), and just before then, I told Mary that I'd broken up with Dark. I had been okay with it that whole day until then, but I couldn't handle it at that point and nearly broke down crying. It was helpful that I got to go home. But when I did get home, I texted him and said, "No goodbye?" Because he still hadn't read my message.

I fell asleep, but when I woke up, he had texted me back. He said something to the effect of, "Well I didn't want to say goodbye or that would be goodbye forever. I don't want to throw you out of my life completely. I'd like to try being friends, I just wanted to give you some time." To that I said thank you, immediately feeling better. But after that, we made some small talk, and he said, "Well I'm gonna go chill out and listen to some music, but I'll talk to you later." I responded with, "Please don't feel obligated to. Have fun." Because I honestly believed he still mostly despised me. Then he said, "But what if I want to talk to you? Hmm?" And I don't know how you would feel, but I immediately felt like he was being really unfair. I prepared to never talk to him again. I made myself believe that he hates me so that I would remember how terrible that makes me feel and be able to change from that. And I have changed. I've realized how terrible I can be to people and I've taken steps to make sure I don't do it again. I just felt overwhelmed because everything I'd forced myself to come to terms with over tears and heartache was false.

I told him, "Well then I'd ask if you were feeling alright." He then told me that just because we broke up doesn't mean he feels much different about me. He told me he still cares about me a lot, even if he doesn't really know why. I said that I still felt the same way, and he told me that he missed me so much that he went and watched the first season of Sword Art Online again. He told me he hates that he had to make me feel the way he did. I told him that I wouldn't change what happened because I realized more than I could have if it didn't.

After a little more talking, he said, "Maybe we're meant to be together." At that point, all the red flags went up, as I wanted them to. He suggested we try again, and I said I knew it wouldn't work in the long run unless one of us changed, and neither of us wanted that. So we considered being just friends, and I questioned that, too. We're both major flirts and it just wouldn't go well. So we committed to being friends. We know a lot about each other, and we get along well. At first, I really had to convince myself that it would be okay, and then the idea excited me. I hadn't lost one of my best friends. I didn't have to work to impress him like I thought I needed to when we were together. I can be myself unapologetically. So that happened.

But as soon as I realized he didn't hate me anymore, something reverted inside of me. Because his hate for me, or my belief of his hate for me, was what was driving me to find something to be happy about. It was my motivation to be a better person because I'd driven someone to hate me because of who I was. I got really scared when I felt this happening because I felt really lost again, and I'm still working on finding my motivation again.

Doubled with the amount of catch up work I have to do from all my missed school, I'm really not in the best mental place. I'm stressed and confused and tired and generally upset, but I'm trying to work to fix that. I am happy that we're friends, but I'm also really not. When I think about it, I feel almost sick to my stomach. Like it's not even worth trying anymore. Maybe it's not. I'm just glad I didn't agree to a relationship again. I nearly did. But in all honestly, it may have been and may be one of the only times in my life when the Holy Ghost was nearly screaming at me. If I hadn't been thinking straight or in a good mood, I would be in a much worse place right now. And I'm grateful that I'm not.

I know everything will turn out okay, but it's pretty overcast in my head at the moment. Maybe it's just the Monday emotions or my lack of sleep (i couldn't turn my brain off until 2 am).

But I hope you have a good day and that you're doing good. I love you! Talk to you again soon.

Mel

ps Lost in the Rhythm by Octavia Rose reminded me of you, and it's a really cool song!