Dear Jen

D;

September 2nd, 2016

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Dear Jen,

So I said today would be exactly the same as yesterday? Yeah, well, I was hoping that wouldn't come true. We played that stupid game again, and he did the exact same thing.

A few months back, an autistic kid in our choir class had a meltdown where he got really angry. Mary got really flustered and actually started having a panic attack because of it, and I didn't get it then but I do now. I don't know what was it is, but I cannot handle it when he gets mad like that.

I just made a big mistake of leaving him alone like that, thinking that I left because of him. I did, but I don't want him to think that. Well he does, and add those feelings onto the panic attack I was already having, and you have my current state of being. I'm trying really hard not to cry because if I do that I'll probably have asthma problems, too, and that's not good.

I guess this only adds onto things I need to look for in a husband. I don't know why I can't handle this kind of stuff, but I really can't. Any type of overload of emotion in someone else is just too much for me? I don't get it and I don't like it. But at the same time, it's hard enough for them as it is. Why make them feel worse by telling them that it sends me into unexplainable panic?

Have you ever had a panic attack before? Not fun. Not a fan. No me gusta.

I don't know what to do xD I should probably stop doing this and do something soothing, but yeah.

Okay, he finally answered my texts, and now I'm breathing properly and my throat isn't closing up xD I think I'm okay. But next time this happens, which it probably won't because he realized that it was probably upsetting me and how much of an idiot he was being, I will definitely suggest we do something else. Because it was all fine and dandy when we were doing something different.

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It is now 4 am and I am finally going to bed XD everything worked out, and we 'talked,' so I hope he doesn't feel guilty about it.

Last night, or rather yesterday morning, while I was falling asleep, I realized how extremely dependent I am on people. I don't want to drive at all, I constantly need validation, and just a bunch of other things that make me feel just absolutely great about myself XD

Today's not been the greatest XD hopefully you have a good day tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep sometime soon. It's usually in my room that I get the most upset, but I'll work around that I guess.

Love you!

Mel

p.s. nearly a month until my birthday. I'll be 17?!