Dear Jen

Warning; Long

August 23rd, 2016

.

Dear Jen,

My day was alright. I think I just mind-numbed my way through it, but that's not a bad strategy in my opinion xD I haven't got my MRI results yet. They said they would have them within like two days, so maybe that means that there's nothing bad? I'm not sure. I haven't asked Mom either.

Alright, so Dark (white chocolate xD). Today I was playing with some other friends of mine, and he joined in without being invited. I wasn't upset or anything, but I get secondhand embarrassment very very easily, and he makes a fool of himself very very easily xD And have you ever had to like change your sense of humor slightly between different friends? Yeah, his humor is a lot different than that of any of the other friends I have, so yeah xD During this whole time, he kept making sexual jokes, as usual, and everytime he did so, I would kill myself (in-game). He didn't get the hint, at all! He didn't stop and it got worse until I eventually just left the party. I was fed up. I played it off like I had lagged out, but yeah.

Another thing that happened during that time is somehow they got onto the topic of me leaving him? First he said he would bawl his eyes out, which I had figured, and then he said this (these are close to his exact words); "If she ever feels like leaving me, well, she knows she can't because she's too nice of a person." I almost cried right then and there because wouldn't that make you feel great? Wouldn't that make you feel in control of your relationship? Wouldn't that make you want to stay with that person forever? No! No no no no no! I'm so freaking done with feeling trapped but I still don't know how to do anything about it! Because in the end, he is right. I am too nice of a person. My friend Alix told me that she can't wait until the day I prove him wrong. Honestly, me neither.

It makes me feel kind of stupid that any normal person would more than easily get out of this situation. I mean, any sane person wouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place. He asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing me for a day and a half. Why couldn't I have said, "Can I get to know you a little more first?" The night of the day he asked me out, I cried my eyes out because it was more than obvious that I had done something wrong. So why couldn't I do anything? Why can't I still do anything?

And yet again, when he had to leave, I got upset and utterly bored. Like ??? Do I enjoy being objectified in every other sentence? Do I enjoy being trapped? Do I enjoy being completely silent about all of this? Am I still holding onto what I used to feel? Because if that's it then that needs to go away quickly because I'm sure as heck not feeling it anymore.

He told me before he left that he wanted to spend more time with me again, but that he would be busy tomorrow. I told him to have fun and enjoy his time with his new friends and having his license, but he told me that I should make sure that I texted him and asked him how his day went so that he wouldn't forget to tell me. I'm not going to do it. Every time I'm done talking to him, I feel worse than before the conversation started. When he said he wanted to start actually doing stuff together again, like watching anime and such, literal dread washed over me xD what have I done? xD

But yet again, this didn't make today terrible, because this has been everyday for the past week or so. A couple entries ago, I said these feelings seemed strange to me and were making me feel out of control, but I don't feel that way anymore. I think hanging out with those friends really saved today. They're really nice, and I've come to love attention xD all of my guy friends like to compliment me and always reassure me that I'm doing great and that I'm really cool, and it's nice, you know? I just don't think I should get used to it.

One of these days I'm going to pop, I swear. I'm just too afraid that I'll do what I always do when I let my emotions out; I realize I'm either hurting someone's feelings or that they really don't care, I apologize a thousand gajillion times, and then I cry xD It won't help that Dark will be reassuring me that everything is fine and that things will work out. Gosh this is messed up xD

And these past few days, I've realized a few things; 1) I probably never want to have sex, like ever. I say probably. It's not really relevant right now, but for obvious reasons, I am turned off (no pun intended) from the whole idea a whole bunch. 2) I don't want another boyfriend for a long time xD like this whole thing has turned me off from personal romance more than I can explain. It's not only because of him, but it's a job, kind of. At least, it is for me because of the extreme amount of insecurity I have. This whole thing has taught me what I need to work on concerning myself, but honestly, I don't want a boyfriend anymore. I don't want to like anyone anymore. I don't want to daydream about anyone anymore. And that kind of sucks. Love songs come on, and I literally cringe. And this is coming from the girl who writes romance books! Gah!

Well that was long and depressing xD sorry xD

I'm really excited to hear how your date with Alex will go though! I'll look forward to hearing about that and stay positive :) Tomorrow we're supposed to be going clothes shopping, but I really don't think I'll be up for it. The cramps are coming on strong, and that does not help with back pain xD

Hope you have a good rest of your night and a good day tomorrow! I love you! Thank you for listening <3

Mel

p.s. this is insane xD