Dear Jen

rough

September 25th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

Like the title says, these past few days have been really rough. From feeling like crap since Wednesday to what I told you about over Facebook, I'd really just like to sleep for a long time xD

So yeah. After that whole thing happened Friday night, I cried, yes, but I also became determined to start changing myself right then and there. I was like 'i'm gonna go driving' 'i'm not gonna avoid church talks' 'i'm gonna skype people and talk over the xbox.' And at the time, I was really really excited to do all of that. I was so obsessed with keeping Dark and not hurting him anymore and wanting to please him and help him that I thought about doing all of that stuff and being a better person for a large portion of the night. Granted, I still kept crying, but I was smiling through those tears. He told me he would talk to me that next morning. 

The next morning, he didn't text me. He still hasn't. I didn't have any motivation whatsoever. I tried my best to remember how excited I was to try talking again and all that stuff, but the thought of it made me literally feel sick. So throughout the whole day, whenever I would think about what he said, I had to use every ounce of energy not to cry. Because I knew if I cried, I wouldn't be able to stop. I think the thing that has stuck in my head the most from the whole thing is 'I can't be there for a shell.' I can't shake how worthless and terrible the whole thing made me feel, even though I'm glad he said something. I don't want him to be unhappy, and if I'm making him unhappy, then I'm glad he said something. 

But something I don't get is, I haven't been upset or that anxious at all recently. I'm always in my best moods when he's around just so he doesn't have to try to make me happy, and I try not to let my anxiety get the best of me. So I'm a little confused at the fact that he thinks he's doing a lot of work, but I didn't want to make things worse by bringing that up. His brain probably manufactures a lot of it inside his own head, just like I do. 

But throughout these three days, I've been constantly reminded how unready I am for a relationship. I didn't even take into account that me being upset would affect the other person, when I should have. Mary affects me when she's upset. I should have known. 

Also the whole 'you would have fed off of my achievements if you were sorry,' really really really irks me. Like really? You want me to look at you going to an advanced school and say, 'Oh I'm not doing too well with the achievements in my life compared to him. I should step it up.' Like what the heck? And to a degree, he is right, but not really. Maybe he doesn't understand how different we are. 

So yeah, he hasn't texted me since then (I don't think I would want to text me either), and neither have I because I feel like no matter what I say, he'll just shove something degrading back in my face, and I haven't cried since this morning, so I'd like to keep it that way. 

I know he's trying to protect himself, but he completely pulled the rug out from under me, I feel like. I feel completely unable to talk to him about anything, and I don't know how he feels about me anymore. That's another thing that's really bothering me. The morning of that day he told me he loved me, and then he did that, and I have no idea how to feel. Like if he felt that way for a while then why didn't he tell me sooner, or just...I don't even know. 

I want to see how he's feeling before I breakup with him. I don't want to disregard his feelings, no matter how hurt I am. 

Last night, I was trying to fall asleep, but being alone with just my thoughts was not a good place to be, so I tried listening to music, but that only made me cry. I cried so hard that I started hyperventilating, and it was really scary actually xD I tried my best to calm down and go to sleep, but it was hard. 

I'm feeling a little bit better now that I'm not crying every two seconds, but I don't know how I'll be when he texts me next. Hopefully that's tomorrow. I don't know if he got his phone taken away from yelling at this parents, but if so, he'd get it back for school. 

This really sucks xD but thanks for listening to me ramble and talking  to me <3

I hope you have a good rest of your night, and I love you so so so much! 

Mel