Dear Jen

Short Day

August 29th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

So as you know, I woke up around three today xD I had a nightmare right before I woke up, and that's the only reason I got out of bed. You know how some Youtube ads are horror movie commercials? And they force you to watch a few seconds of it before you can skip? Well in my dream, it was that but I couldn't skip it at all. And I was living it. It was scary xD 

But yeah, then I woke up and took a much needed shower that wiped me out completely xD And I haven't done much up until this point. Dark got on and we watched more Ouran. We finished an episode, and somehow we got into a really deep 'conversation?' That's in quotations because it was more so him talking to me, you know, as usual xD 

But he started talking about some stuff and then got onto the topic of life in general? And he was saying how life is about having motivation to do what you love and how you use that motivation. He said he couldn't wait until I found that motivation for my life, but I was thinking, the only motivation I need for my life is that one day I'll able to return to heaven if I do what's right. He went on to say that when I do have that motivation, he'll get to see me be more passionate and comfortable and more talkative. Because apparently right now, according to him, who I am now isn't who I really am on the inside because I'm closed off. And I get that he might not understand that he's wrong about that because he's so extroverted but ???? Is it hard to accept the fact that telling people about myself is really hard for me because of how I feel and that it's kind of hard to change that? He went on to say that I was very closed off and emotionless to other people and that I don't share much. And he might be right, but I don't know, the way he said it upset me? He wants more from me than I do from myself, but he rarely shows it, and when he does, I never know how to feel. 

I don't know why the whole thing upset me so much? I feel like he can't or doesn't know how to accept me for who I am? We're so different, and it's taken me a while to realize that, and I know that opposites attract, but we're so so so different. I can tell that deep down inside him, he really wishes I wasn't the way I am, so why doesn't he say anything? Because I'm positive there are like 15 girls at his new school that would love to date him. This is the point when I remember how sexually oriented he is, and it always makes me feel so great when my mind tells me that he probably only wants me the way he does for sex, not for who I actually am. Because I feel like it's partially true? That's an even better reason for him to date someone else? Especially someone who's a little closer to home? It's not hard to see that he could get someone much better, and I'm not even trying to say that in a 'I hate myself so I don't deserve him' kind of way, even though there's a ton of reasons that go along with that argument as well. The things he wants are so much different than what I want, but I really don't think it would be hard at all to find someone so much better suited to his needs. Saying that, I still get upset when he has to leave to go to bed at night so I mean xD 

I just hate that he can't accept like, any part of me, now that I think about it. It explains why I've only gotten worse mentally during this relationship. He makes me feel like I'm the one who's messed up? Even if it's just subconsciously. 

I'm probably thinking about it too hard, or maybe it's just because I'm on my period, or it's just that whole thing that whenever someone tells me how they see me, unless it's overwhelmingly positive, 9 times out of 10, I'm always left upset afterwards. I guess I can't handle being reminded how imperfect I am, but I should already know that? I don't get myself xD 

I hope you had a good day! I've been praying a lot for you, so I hope everything is going well! <3

Mel 

p.s. trying to stay positive :)