Dear Jen

An Update! (Finally)

October 9th, 2016

.

Dear Jen, 

Sorry I haven't posted in so long! I keep telling myself to do so, and then I completely forget and it's 1 am in the morning xD 

So the surgery went pretty well. It was really scary because...yanno. So I laid down on my stomach and they put a bunch of warm blankets on me, which was nice. When they started the operation, the needles really hurt. One of the guy nurses said he probably would only have to inject me once, but it turned out to be like 6 times xD It hurt but I got through it. I was trying hard to relax, but that was hard too xD Everything was going well until I could feel what they were doing, and I was like "Uh guys, help!" It hurt really badly xD But at that point they were mostly done with the first part of it and were already moving onto the stitches. 

The doctor at one point sat down on a chair in front of me, and there was a ton of blood on his gloves, which was a little jolting xD They did the stitches and then finished up, and I was shaking as I walked back and got changed. It was definitely an experience. One of the ladies in the room who didn't already know it was my birthday was like 'i've always hated operating on people around their birthdays' and the other people were like 'well it's her birthday' and she was like 'no way!' xD 

Some awkward things were said as well. The doctor was talking to just distract me a little, and he was like 'well if it makes things any better, it's the nicest booty we've seen all day!' I was like ...thanks? xD And right before I left he was like 'a happy butt is a happy body' xD It was hilarious. 

So since then I've been in periodic pain, and I've been sleeping a lot. But I'm gonna make myself go back to school on Tuesday (because we have no school tomorrow, yay!) no matter what because I really need to. 

Lately, I've just been really missing Dark. It makes me upset that I probably won't ever hear his voice or laugh again, and we won't be able to watch Netflix or play games anymore. I'm thinking of messaging him today, but I said that yesterday too. I've stopped talking to my friends about it because they all keep telling me the same thing 'just break up with him' which I know I need to do. I wish I could do it. I wish I had the courage to talk over xbox. I wish I could speak confidently to people. It's just not that easy and some of them are even getting mad at me for it. And I keep thinking that I should just apologize and try to get things back to the way they were, but I know that's the worst thing to do. I have to think about the long run. It won't work out, no matter how much fun we had in the past. And obviously I put him through more pain and burden than I realized. I'm gonna stop talking about that because I'm gonna cry xD 

So I'm thinking of messaging him, "I don't mean to bother you, but I'd just like to know what your plan is." Or something to that affect. What do you think? I want to do it today so that if it's upsetting, I have tomorrow to be upset before I go back to school. 

These past few days, I've been hanging out with a few of my other guy friends on xbox, which has been nice. One of them is pretty much set on just being my friend, from what I can tell. And that's really good. Because I don't know the next time I'll be wanting a boyfriend. 

I hope you're doing good! I'll be sure to post more often! 

I love you! 

Mel