Dear Jen

my stupid brain

September 10th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

Yesterday, school wasn't too bad. It was still really hot and I had a lot of pain, but hopefully it'll be bearable. In poetry, we talked about how alliteration and assonance are used to slow lines down because you're not meant, or able, to say things like 'peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers' fast. So we were told to write just one line using alliteration, and I literally couldn't come up with anything! After that, we were asked to think about a topic that is meant to be slow and write a quatrain with a little alliteration in that, and we went around the class and shared both of these things. I couldn't think at all. Mary said it's because usually when I write the idea is already developed or that I have much more time to write it. I was also trying to make it really good, which I shouldn't be trying to do at this point. She said she just wants what is in our heads, not the best we can come up with. So I'm gonna try to write some poetry tomorrow instead of play video games. She told us our only homework was to think of something in our lives that needs to slow down. I still need to do that. 

But today was alright. I woke up, texted Dark, and he was playing online, so I joined him. It was obvious he wasn't in a good mood, and then his friend came over, so I left, so we didn't talk all day. I'm kind of upset, but not as much as I normally would be. Which is good, I guess. 

I played games all day, and not to any satisfaction, either. But there's not much else for me to do except sleep, really xD 

I realized over this last week something really stupid about me xD A really big part of the reason I'm so quiet and shy is for attention. Wouldn't you think it'd be the opposite? In chemistry on Thursday, the teacher asked who some really quiet people were. Alix pointed to me, but a few people were like 'no not really, it's more like so-and-so.' And I got kind of upset. Because being quiet is the only defining thing about me other than being Mormon. It's the only thing I get attention for. From Jackson, from all my friends on xbox, from my boyfriend. It's really stupid that I feel that way because it's such a big problem, but my brain takes it as the only way to get attention. Like it feels like the only thing I enjoy talking about recently is myself. Ugh. Some days I'm like, 'you know, I'll just start talking on xbox. honestly, what's the big deal? I do it all the time in real life." But I know that nothing will be the same if I do. I won't be treated the same at all. And the way I act when people can't hear me is usually nicer than when people can hear me. Like I've said, I hate my brain xD 

I'm trying not to be upset about not talking to Dark as much because it's never a really good thing when I complain to him about having a bad day, which I do a lot, but yet again, that's one of the only ways I get attention from him. So I try my hardest not to be upset even if I am, but that just makes me feel sorry for myself and that's stupid too xD 

It's hot and after midnight so i'm gonna go to bed. I hope you had a good rest of your day and I love you! 

Mel