Dear Jen

:P

October 22nd, 2016

.

Dear Jen,

I'm so sorry that everything isn't going too well with your roommates. I'm definitely going to be praying for you. No one should have to go through that and be in that environment.

I've been okay these past few days. Not much has happened.

I've mostly caught up on my schoolwork, which is good. Recently I've been playing with one of my good friends, Noah, on the Xbox, and he's really nice. We've been playing together everyday since Dark and I broke up I think. But I've made sure that my brain understands that just because he's nice to me and cares about my wellbeing, doesn't mean he likes me, and that doesn't mean I like him either. Because that's been kinda hard for my brain to grasp. He's 15 and lives in Jersey, so that's cool. He's really really nice.

Speaking of Dark. We have talked a few times since we decided to be friends, and for some reason I've felt okay with it. I say for some reason because I still feel really lost about the changes I wanted to make about myself. And yesterday, I texted him because a game downloaded on the Xbox that I hadn't bought. And that used to mean that Dark had bought a game because his profile used to be on our Xbox. So yeah even though it's not, I'm still getting the games that he buys.

So I invited him a party, at his request, and he was like "I think it's been a month since we've done this." And I told him, "yeah a month tomorrow." And he was kind of like "-.- well excuse me lol" not in a rude way, but just in a 'you've been counting?' way. How could I not count?

So we were together for a little while, and I didn't say much because no matter what happens, I don't know if I can ever be 100% myself around him anymore. I do not, under any circumstances, want to hurt him again. At one point, he was getting up to do something, and he said, "be back in just a moment, sexy." And he had been calling me 'love' as he usually did, so I thought he wouldn't care, but he did apologize. It just made me feel weird and I didn't like it. Hearing his voice again was nice, I guess, but after he came back after that, I decided to just leave because I didn't feel like I was adding anything to his experience of the game or helping in anyway. He didn't say anything when I left, but that's fine. And then, and I always say it's probably because I'm about to get my period but I dont know, afterwards I was really upset for no reason. I want to tell him that we cannot be friends under any circumstances anymore because he makes me feel a way that I have no power over. I don't even know how to describe it. I just know that I was 137% happier without him in my life. The other day I was hoping I'd be able to talk to him again soon, but now I'll do everything in my power not to. I hate feeling so confused and useless and just upset for no reason.

I'm writing a poem about the whole thing, kinda. It's a 5 stanza poem, each stanza centered around one of the 5 stages of grief. I started writing it before we'd broken up. It's not done yet, but I'll show it to you when it is. It's helping me to figure out what I felt like before we'd decided to be friends again because it's hard to remember.

But yeah, Noah is really helping my quality of life. It's good to be able to make someone laugh again as well. I just feel like I haven't done that in a while.

Overall I'm doing pretty well. I really hope everything gets better very soon for you ❤️ I'll keep you in my prayers.

I love you!

Mel