Dear Jen

A post? Who knew?

November 16th, 2016

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Dear Jen (again),

So these past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. So that friend I was talking about, Noah? Yeah, he ended up telling me he liked me, and of course I was ecstatic, but luckily, the universe saved me and it turns out that he can't date until he's 18. At the time, I thought he was 15. He'd told me that he was entered into school a year late so he was old for his grade. He was lying. He's 14. Four freaking teen! And it's not like I wanted to get into a relationship with him anyway. I knew that before he told me he couldn't date. But still! He outright told me 'I lied about my age.' I acted like it was okay, but I immediately lost (most of) my affection for him. I still enjoy some of his company.

But since then, he's been calling me angel, beautiful, his girl, and all this crap that I don't know how to deal with. It's so obvious that he's young, I should have known. He keeps saying how I save him from wanting to kill himself and from being depressed and I'm like GREAT. THIS IS JUST GREAT. I honestly kind of feel like sort of a whore for jumping into all these stupid 'relationships.' I know I'm technically not, but that's what I feel like. It's like I associate being nice with flirting, or at least they do, and then boom, they like me.

And then, after that event, in seminary, somehow the statement was made that 'Women aren't required to find a man to marry in mortal life because there aren't enough worthy men to marry. On the other hand, there are enough worthy women for the men to marry.' And I understand that temple marriage is required for entrance into the celestial kingdom, but I honestly, at this point -- and I know I'm only 17 and I haven't even gone to college and I know nothing about anything -- but I'm making the decision that I do not want any romantic relationships. I don't want a boyfriend right now. I don't want a husband. Maybe not ever.

Part of it is because I still miss Octavious so much and cannot stop comparing other guys' actions to his which I know is terrible but I've tried so hard and I can't stop. Today would have been our nine month anniversary and when I find the time to cry (I'm at the library with Mary right now), I'm going to cry because I can't help but miss him. I can't. Every time I think about him I miss him, and I know that no matter what I do, nothing will be the way it was before. And I hate that. And I hate that I hate that.

Another part of my reasoning is that I really don't like myself xD If I can't deal with myself, how can other people? It might be different, I realized, if it was somebody that was here in Middleburgh/Schoharie (speaking of which, Jackson has a girlfriend, who is in our seminary class, and it's taken me so long, but I've finally convinced myself to stop envying her because that means I'm sinning and I don't love her, but I do. She's great), if they were closer to home and could actually see, hear, and talk to me in person, that would be different. That's a field of dating I'm not fluent in at all. But long distance? Them not even hearing my voice? No. It doesn't work. They create me in their minds, and that's who they 'fall in love with.' I hate that term so much it's making me angry. How can you love me? You've never even met me. It's not me they like, it's the person they create inside their heads. And that's wrong. And I'm mad xD

So yeah, that happened. I can't bring myself to tell Noah that I don't really like him and that he needs to stop calling me angel because I'm not one.

It's been good having Danny home. It's good to have real life people to play video games with (that are actually good at them xD). I'm so excited for you to come home too! I'm counting down the days :D

School's been okay. Not much has happened. I have a 90 overall average in school, and that's the lowest it's ever been, but I really can't do much about it. My health has been pretty okay, though the surgery really didn't change much xD

Also, with the whole talking thing, I've convinced Noah that I don't have a mic for xbox, when in reality I have like 5 xD I just don't want to talk. I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I'm still nervous about it, but I'm better. One of my other friends almost convinced me to speak, but he was like 'yeah you can talk now, i'll be busy tho.' And I kind of wanted it to be special, even though that's selfish, so I played it off like I was still nervous. But soon.

Anyway, I hope you're doing good! I know we haven't posted in a while, but I'm gonna get back to it again because I need some place to vent xD

I love you! Here's a note from Mary;

I personally think Melissa is beautiful and awesome and I bet you do too! Honestly I miss you too because in the three years of mel and mines friendship ive only seen you a handful of times :P

Snorp

XD There you go. Talk to you again soon!

Mel