Dear Jen

Oh boy

September 21st, 2016

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Dear Jen,

(September 18th)

So I didn't go to church, but I'm making a goal to go next week.

I got up, did some homework (which included another poem, but I'll get to that), and texted Dark a subtly grumpy good morning. He responded, an hour later, with 'my phones been dead and not charging, but I tried to email you.' That sounded like a load of bullcrap in my eyes, but I said it was fine. He then said he was gonna be getting on the Xbox soon. And immediately, without any other thoughts, everything switched in my brain and my schedule to fit that it. And that made me so mad. Like he says all the time, "you have no choice but to love me." And he always says it in a joking way, but I feel controlled, in a way.

And that poem? Yeah I got so angry that I wrote my poem that I needed for poetry in like 15 minutes. Here it is;

My thoughts conform to yours. . .forced.
Nothing I can say can decay the way you've molded me.
Treacherously trapped, trembling and troubled.
How I feel isn't real.

My brain stirred and straightened,
Strangled and mangled beyond recognition.
Stuck in Stockholm, trying to get home.
I can't escape what you've done to me.

I like it, and i might share it today. Writing it definitely made me feel better. And eventually he did get on the Xbox, and so did I.

We were about to start the last few episodes of Ouran, and he was like 'first I wanna just say...' And I really wanted him to apologize or something, but then he said, 'no I think we'll be fine.' And that made me mad. Like I'm not good enough to be apologized to??

And for a few episodes, I was still grumpy at him, but Ouran and his cute laugh started to cheer me up. And when I finally laughed at something he said, 'okay there we go.' And I considered continuing to be salty with him, but I couldn't.

And the rest of the day I spent with him, which was nice. He was really sexual at one point, but I got kind of mad at him and he stopped, which is good. I felt myself kind of annoying him at some points, so I'll have to work on that.

When he had to go, I snuck in a, "I really missed you.' And he said he did too, and that he was gonna start ditching his friends and making them mad to spend time with me. I told him he didn't have to, but he said he was going to. And this morning he texted me first.

It's not like I'm obsessed with him again, but I really have missed him. And I'm still gonna keep in mind what I have been feeling, but there's nothing wrong with spending time with him...right?

. . .

(September 21st)

I thought I had posted that! Dang it XD These past few days have been fine. A new part of my game came out yesterday, and I asked to get it for my birthday, so I played that with Dark yesterday.

Everyone in poetry really liked my poem! They didn't have anything to say or correct about it, and that made me really happy (:

The other night, it was thunderstorming, and it's the first time I've been scared of thunder in a really long time. At first as I was falling asleep, it was calming, but then it woke me up at like 2 and sounded like it was literally rolling down the road. I was a little scared, but then I remembered that it was just thunder, but yeah. That happened XD

But yeah, Dark has been texting me a lot more and spending a lot more time with me, which is good. Mary is upset I'm not breaking up with him yet XD

I hope everything went well with your homework! Talk to you again soon! Love you!

Mel