Dear Jen

It's Over

October 10th, 2016

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Dear Jen,

So yesterday I did text him and I said "Hey. I don't mean to bother you, but I was wondering what your plan is." He answered back and said, "Well my plans have changed now." And that's when I knew it was over.

I said, "I figured." Because he would have texted me before I had to do it myself if his plans were any different. He then said, "with everything that's happened and what I'm going through, I prefer to be alone. I'm really sorry. I just can't keep this up." And I said it wasn't him fault and thanked him for being honest. He said he was bad at being honest, and I reminded him that he really isn't. He read that message and didn't reply to it, so I sent back a final goodbye of sorts. He hasn't read it yet. I don't know if he will, but I want a goodbye. I don't know if that's selfish, but I don't want it to just end there. I want him to say something.

So I held in my tears because we were watching a movie and then read scriptures as a family. I knew if I started crying I would never stop, so I didn't cry. I've cried since then, but yeah. I'm about to cry now, but yeah xD

I have mixed feelings about all of it. Like for the most part, I'm forcing myself to be happy or else I'll just collapse, but I'm also really upset, obviously. I've always said that he's one of my favorite people, and he always will be. I care about him so much, no matter what happened. He said he is going through something, and it kills me that I'll never know what that is because I don't have that privilege anymore. And the way he thinks is something that I don't want to give up, but it's not my choice anymore. And knowing that all of this is my fault doesn't help my sadness. Not to mention he was one of my best friends and now he's gone. I know it's for the best that he's gone, but it'll take a while for me to stop crying about it. It's all I can think about and I hate it. I've only told you, Alix, and one of the VanDerwerkens at seminary. If I talk about it too much, I get too upset. I'll tell people slowly.

I'll have a lot of school work to catch up on, which I'm getting really stressed about, and now I just want to cry XD I'm trying so so so hard not to let myself be upset about this, but one of the only things I'm good at is being upset.

I hope everything is going well with you. When I heard your voice the other day over the phone I got really really happy 😊 Thanks for being some sunshine for me ❤️

I love you! Talk to you again soon!

Mel