Wake Up, Get Paid, Get Laid, Gatorade

Ode To Sleep

TØP songs I connect to

Usual trigger warnings for these types of chapters

• The scream in Goner, it reminds me a lot of when I snapped one day and just said "I will choose my own beliefs and what I do with my life" when I was completely lost and confused. I know that's not really the meaning of the song but that's how I relate.

• The one part of Air Catcher where he talks about "I won't fall in love with falling, I will try to avoid those eyes" reminds me a lot of my girlfriend so I always get sappy.

• A Car, a Torch, a Death, The Run and Go, Air Catcher, and Friend, Please all really personally resonate with me so certain parts of those songs will bring back memories

• The rap in Taxi Cab for me connects to a fear of death an what comes after death, which is something I can relate to.

• "But then I remember when you packed my car, you reached in the back and buckled up your heart for me to drive away with" a person in my life who was extremely important had to move across the country, and he had saved my life before. We had to end things between us after a week because it was too painful, but this entire song really personally gets me because I had to leave behind someone I cared about and deal with the crippling depression that followed.

• Just the phrase "addict with a pen" gets me. Ever since I learned to read and write I've been obsessed and it's been a value method to prevent self harm and cope with depression or anxiety. My mom said once before I even learned about twenty one pilots that I was "addicted to putting my pen to paper" and I honestly am. It's the main reason I started Wattpad.

• Another thing from Addict With Pen, my past two years can be described perfectly by this song because it deals with losing a lot and a lot of emotional turmoil then dealing with it via writing, which is how those years have been for me.

• Before You Start Your Day has certain parts that imply self harm and doing your best to hide depression and these things, and at the end of the day looking at yourself under all those fake smiles and asking "are you okay?" And for a while, that answer was no for me. This helped me come to a realization that I had a problem and needed help.

• March To The Sea is one of the songs I connect to most because I was at a point in my life that I was dealing with severe depression, anxiety, and constant suicidal thoughts or self harm. During that time I met someone who had redirected me to do something better and put that aggression towards something productive, so I started learning to play music. That was my "spaceship in the sky" and it led me home. To this day she sends me a message similar to the one in Guns For Hands of taking out all that hatred and those dark thoughts on something creative, something physical, anything. She even says that if I have to to take it out on her, even though I could never do that, she would do anything to make sure I don't hurt myself.

• Implicit Demand For Proof is about struggling with faith and religion, trying to find what's true and if there really is a God. As I've described in past chapters I definitely have an "odd" relationship with Christianity, but this song reminds me a lot of when I was little and I first questioned this. I was at church and on the way there I had heard "emo" music for the first time and enjoyed it. When I asked my mom about it she immediately shut me down and told me that type of music was "disrespecting God" and had me stay after church for an extra service thing some kids did. That day my mom ran to the store next door to get something and I remember looking up at a big stained glass window of God and whispering "Why can't you prove you're real? Why can't you show yourself?" I was only about seven but I was finding myself and no longer controlled completely by my parents' beliefs. It was confusing but the beginning of an overall better life for me.

• "But believe me I'm fine, but I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine." This one's self explanatory.

• Friends, Please reminds me of my amazing friend beebobinski was always there for me trying to help me get clean and stop hurting myself. She was there to show me the light of how much her and my other friends care about me. She always tells me the sweetest things and is trying to help me even though she herself is struggling with depression. Love you Molly, thanks for always being there for me.

• I'm overwhelmingly happy to say that today and tomorrow and the next day I will be able to relate to We Don't Believe What's On TV and Tear In My Heart. I have someone who cares about me way more than anyone should and I definitely care about her more than myself. She's the same person that I talked about in March To The Sea, and she's honestly my favorite person ever. She's kind and adorable and amazing and she's shown me happiness when I was at my lowest points. The reason I really relate to these songs though is because before her I had a relationship that I opened my heart and let down my walls only for my heart to be broken. I was terrified of being vulnerable again, because once you fall in love with someone that person has the power to do whatever they want with your heart. I didn't want to fall in love and I was terrified, so I was blocking her out. Somehow though she managed to infiltrate my walls and once she looked at me with her big hazel eyes I was already done. She has been overwhelmingly kind and I'm not afraid of being vulnerable or hurt anymore, instead I'm just incredibly happy to have someone like her. She knows more about me than anyone and we're best friends. She does indeed "cut me farther than I've ever been."

Note: I put these in this order for a reason. Even with all these songs, I still have the tear in my heart.

My girlfriend doesn't have Wattpad, but I'm gonna go tell her how much I love her anyway, so I love you! Thanks for always being there. One day I'll show you this.