Wake Up, Get Paid, Get Laid, Gatorade

The (Shipped) Gold Standard

Serious chapter, usual trigger warnings

There are a lot of sad songs I can relate to or understand, and I'm sure you guys feel the same. Music helps make things a little brighter.

But have you ever heard that one song, and everything makes sense? That one note that makes the world realign?

My room is pitch black when the lights are off except for the extremely dim streetlights that are blocked by my curtains, so it was dark. Very dark.

A very long time ago someone I loved had to be left behind. Someone I cared about a lot.

I haven't spoken to him for a year, I don't even know if he's moved on yet.

I tried not to let myself become vulnerable again. I tried not to let myself fall apart again, because this time I couldn't be fixed.

I failed, I failed horribly because her eyes are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in all of my life.

I failed and I failed and I failed.

I got a phone call about an hour ago.

I have to leave her behind, but I can't. I can't do that again.

My girlfriend is going to be across the country by the end of this year.

She's going to the exact same state my boyfriend had to leave me to move to.

History repeats itself, over and over, wearing away until rock becomes sand.

I'm leaving her and I can't do that.

I was in my room, and my room was very dark. There was a nail file with a pointed edge on my nightstand.

My girlfriend was sobbing, kitten was sobbing and I couldn't stand it.

I picked up the nail file with shaking hands.

History repeats itself.

I did the same thing I did when he left, which is something I'm not proud of, but I'm sharing it with you guys because I want you to know.

Carved into my left thigh is an old scar that says "stay, please."

Now, carved into my right is a new scar that says "I won't leave you."

Someone left me a long time ago, I'm not doing that to someone I care about.

I put in my headphones, because maybe music will make this all better.

It can't, but I had to try.

The first song to play was familiar, and I knew the title, the first note hurt just as much as the others.

A Car, A Torch, A Death.

I'm going to put the lyrics at the end of this chapter, and I want you guys to read them through.

I was afraid of being vulnerable again, but I wasn't the one to be hurt this time.

In a stuffy real bedroom 45 minutes from mine, a beautiful girl with dazzling green eyes is sobbing into her pillow when I should be there.

I can't now, so what's going to happen when 45 minutes becomes 450?

I don't care if I'm hurt anymore, because that fantastic girl with those spellbinding green eyes hasn't been hurt this way before.

Relationships don't always last forever, I understand that because I've been through that, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

One day a while ago those green eyes I adore so much gave me the heart of a girl I adore even more, and I promise to always try to protect it.

That's the only problem: try.

She doesn't deserve try, she deserves the universe and someone who can hold her while she cries.

Am I hurting her by holding on?

You hear it all the time, in the most popular songs and movies, "If you love them let them go."

You don't understand that until you have to do it, but can I do it?

That's obvious, no.

What I heard made me feel freezing in two hoodies and a blanket.

She gave me her heart, just like someone gave theirs to Tyler.

I'm not the strongest or smartest or prettiest or most talented, but she gave it to me, and I'm going to keep it safe.

For Bri, always the Kitten to my Kat, forever my favorite and only Hufflepuff.

The air begins to feel a little thin
As I start the car and then I begin
To add the miles piled up behind me
I barely feel a smile deep inside me

And I begin to envy the headlights driving south
I want to crack the door so I can just fall out
But then I remember when you packed my car
You reached in the back and buckled up your heart

For me to drive away with
I began to understand
Why God died

The demon sat there waiting on her porch
It was a little dark so he held a makeshift torch
And when my car was far out of sight
He crept in her room and stayed there for the night

[2x]
And then I felt chills in my bones
The breath I saw was not my own
I knew my skin that wrapped my frame
Wasn't made to play this game
And then I saw Him, torch in hand
He laid it out, what he had planned
And then I said, I'll take the grave
Please, just send them all my way

I began to understand
Why God died

The air begins to feel a little thin
As we're waiting for the morning to begin

But for now you told me to hold this jar
And when I looked inside, I saw
It held your heart

For me to walk away with
I began to understand
Why God died