Wake Up, Get Paid, Get Laid, Gatorade

Hum Hallelujah

   There is someone in this world who makes me feel worthless and disgusting, and I can't escape them.

   They're my blood relative and they make the world around me just as blue black as my skin.

I feel numb.

I feel inhuman.

I have to hurt myself just to feel something and everything goes blurry after that.

I've been taking too much Advil and passing out on the couch, getting headaches and waking up remembering nearly nothing.

It's pain or the radio silence and numbness of the pills.

I can't tell which is worse.

I don't know if this is better than banging my head over and over again against a wall. I don't know if this is better than locking myself in the bathroom and biting down hard on my sleeve and screaming until my throat hurt too much to keep going. I don't know if this is better than coughing until I'm spitting blood.

All I know is that now I take pills, and with pills come headaches and forgetting who I am and losing myself and silence.

Silence.

A quote all of you know:

"Sometimes quiet is violent."

Yes, you think too much without sound to get absorbed into.

I have nothing.

The music is silent. The voices are silent. Everything is silent.

There's nothing but numbness and silence and empty breaths.

All I can do is take my pills and sleep and wake up remembering nothing and take more pills and sleep again until I have to let my blood out for a stroll just to breathe again.

Numb.

It's a paradox of restless nightmares and silence and feeling worthless, because I really am worthless.

I was nothing but jumbled up emotions and ideas I was dying to share with the world.

That was something.

Now those things are gone.

Now I'm dying.

And I'll take my pills and I'll keep telling myself they're good for me and I'll tell myself I'm getting better.

I am not, but I can't, so there's no point in trying.

This isn't important and the people who count won't see it, but I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not alive and I'm not dead, I'm not happy and I'm not sad, I'm not okay and I'm not somewhere in between.

I'm numb.

I don't even know who to talk to anymore.

I don't know what to do.

Help.