The music was turned up loud in the dressing room and Lindsey and Christine were catching up. They really don't speak much but they know they have to if they both want to be around me. I find myself humming along as I'm getting my makeup done, listening to this Brian McKnight song on the radio.
Oh, I want to be yours
Heart of mine, I'm sure you'll agree
We've never been in love before, honestly
I think she's the one
The lady for me
I know she feels the same way sincerely
Girl you're on my mind always
Come fill my nights and my days
You make me so crazy
Darlin' you know I wanna
I want to be yours
I long to be forever yours
I want to be yours
I want to be yours
Lindsey looks up at me occasionally, flashing me a boyish smile.
Every night I go to sleep
I wantcha layin' next to me-truthfully
I need ya by my side
To take care of me, I'm on my hands and knees girl
Come on
And show me the way to your heart
Don't make me wait forever
Now that you know I wanna
Christine sees his flirtation and shuts it down.
"Knock it off, Bucky Boy. Stevie is in a relationship now and I'd hate to see what would happen to you if he saw you checking out his woman" she says, pursing her lips and stroking his chin before giving it a light brutish thump.
"Oh, Nicks has a boyfriend?" He smiles at me mischievously. "Tell us about him"
"He's absolutely perfect. I daresay he's the one" I say, confidently. He loves it, just eats it up.
"See? So watch it!" Christine points a warning finger at him.
"Or what? Is he gonna beat me up?"
"Well of course, he would defend my honor! He's big and strong, brave...wildly handsome" My make up girl leaves and he steps closer to me. Close enough in fact that I can feel his breath on my neck and I'm getting flushed. I fan myself with papers sitting on my vanity.
"Getting warm in here?" He asks me seductively. The little devil!
"No" I protest, sitting my papers down.
"No?" He waves his hand and Christine leaves but not without warning him about my boyfriend again. He grins so big when he sees she is gone.
"That wasn't funny, you big jerk!" I swat at him. He laughs and kisses me deeply.
"Save all that aggression for my room tonight" He winks and leaves to finish getting dressed. And I'm in need of a cold shower.
-----
Showtime! We enter the stage together, hand in hand. He kisses my knuckles, we begin the show. Lights go up and down, costume changes... it's a mess backstage. I'm absolutely somewhere else. I mess up Dreams...I can't believe it. The words go out of my head completely and Lindsey has to come over and whisper them to me on my third attempt. What the hell is going on with me? I run off the stage in tears when I'm finished and I can't bear to look at anyone. Christine goes on to do her songs and I have time to regroup. Lindsey checks on me briefly but I literally have nothing to say. I feel like a failure. I am begging for the show to end so I can forget everything and get some sleep. Landslide makes things easier for me in some ways, worse in others. Looking at Lindsey, I see a past and future and that's bittersweet. We are too good right now and I can feel that familiar calm before the storm.
After we've said goodnight to the crowd, I dash back to my dressing room, change as quickly as possible and take off my makeup. Christine is talking to Lindsey again, this time about his house. He's very proud of it. He keeps giving me confused looks and I don't know what they're meant to be. They talk for a rather long time and I look at my watch. The car is here, thus beginning our nightly ritual of going back the hotel, waiting until everyone is in bed then sneaking off to be together.
Some nights we write songs, sometimes we smoke joints in the bathroom with the overhead fan on like teenagers, other nights we make love endlessly without using any of the aforementioned activities as foreplay.
Tonight, we do none of that. I knock on the door of his suite and it takes him forever to open up.
"Jeez, I thought you were going to leave me out there! Now, hurry up and do me before my boyfriend finds out I'm missing" I wink at him as I walk into the room, shutting the door and he crosses his arms. "Did I...do something?" I ask, treading lightly. His temper flares easily and I didn't want to fight tonight.
"It's more like what you didn't do"
"I'm sorry? I don't follow..."
"You didn't tell Christine you and I are a couple"
"No...why would I?"
"I honestly thought you were messing with me today about the boyfriend thing but you weren't. She thinks you're with someone else! We've been together for months now!"
"I wanted to keep us private"
"No you wanted to keep us a secret! Tell Christine, when she asks, about me"
"Or...what? Are you threatening me?"
"I, I don't know. Just tell her, okay?"
"And what about the others?"
"Do they matter? You've already told everyone about our house. That key you have on, I know you're wearing it. You were showing it off just the other night. You sure do have loose lips when you drink."
"I've got no such thing!" I say, crossing my arms over my tender chest. "I won't have you talk to me like that either. Good night, Lindsey" With that I turn around, now completely unsure of our future.
