Aria had a great time at her party! There were presents, my parents, Lori, Chris and the girls came down and she ended up crashing after an insane sugar rush brought on by cake, ice cream and candy. When I took her up to her room, her amber curls fell across her pillow so beautifully. Her lips were blue cotton candy stained, her cheeks flushed from running around like a wild woman and jumping in inflatable castles that were erected in her honor. We sang happy birthday all day long as she asked us to sing it again and again. I stroked her beautiful hair and kissed her cheeks before going downstairs. Lindsey and I avoided each other, taking care of Aria and our guests in shifts. After Aria goes down, I start drinking a lot and many times my mother has had to tell me to slow down. When I'm sufficiently drunk, I tag Lindsey in and I go to my room. Apparently, I end up falling asleep because Lori comes up to check on me after realizing I've been gone for a long time . I've slept off most of my high, thankfully, because I feel like a serious loser right now and I didn't need a hangover to make it worse. I've cried so much that I have black streaks down my cheeks, my eyes are red and puffy, and my hair is messy and wild. She helps me fix up again so I can join everyone again. The party has lasted almost all day and it's winding down. I thank everyone for coming and they take their grab bags on the way out. Lindsey and Chris clean up the cups and everything outside. The inflatables are taken down and all evidence of the party is gone.
Lindsey is in one of the guest rooms for the night and I hear him talking on the phone as I pass by the door. He's crying and he sounds really scared. I resist going in to comfort him. He has hurt me so much with the lies and him sharing the same bond we have with another woman. But still, she will never have what I have with him. I can't just take him back but I love him still. He's my soulmate and his son is sick. And from the sound of it, it's very serious. I feel helpless, hopeless. What am I supposed to do? He gets off the phone and I scramble back to my room. I don't want him to think I'm eavesdropping. I settle into my bed and try to sleep but I hear footsteps outside my door. It goes silent again and I close my eyes until a knock comes shortly after. I pull my robe on and go to answer it, unlocking my door.
"Lindsey" I say, I'm a little surprised even though I guess I should be used to it.
"Hey"
"Hey" I say, feeling awkward and I can tell he feels the same. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I couldn't. I just got off the phone with Kris"
"Oh"
"Yeah, he's not doing any better"
"What's going on?" I can tell he needs someone to the care. I'm so hurt and every time I think about what he has done, I want to cry, but something tells me I need to be here for him despite all that has happened.
"Can we talk inside?" He points inside my bedroom.
"I don't think that's a good idea" I say. I can't forgive him. I can't let myself.
"Okay, well I'm sorry to bother you. Good night, Steph...I mean, Stevie" He turns and walks back down the hall.
"Lindsey, wait, I'm sorry"
He doesn't respond, just shuts himself inside his room. I feel bad but at the same time, I know I shouldn't care. I feel physically ill thinking about what he's done and I can't live like this. I want to kiss him and kill him all at the same time.
The days go by and we remain just like this. Distant and cold, careful not to show affection toward each other. If only because it hurts too much. Aria sees it and I know it's not healthy. This is torture. Now that my parents are back in Arizona, I call them and let them know I'm coming home. I pack our bags and Karen comes to grab them and put them in the hired car. My heart hurts and several times I have to tell myself not to go back. Don't go find him, don't forgive him, don't forget your pain, Stevie, to save him from his. I honestly thought I would stay angry but I'm not. I don't know what to feel anymore. I take my daughter to the car, double check I have all I need right now and head out. Lindsey was sitting in the kitchen and he didn't even say goodbye, didn't wave. I guess we really are over. I've never been good with finality.
On the way to the airport, I ask God why he put me back in his life, why we got pregnant....why we hurt each other and forgive each other just to start it all over again. I'm in tears, watching my daughter sleep beside me.
"You will be fine" Karen says, seeming to hear my inner struggle. I nod, not really knowing what to do with myself.
"Why do I still love him?" I ask. "Why can't I hate him?"
"There is something about you two, you have been doing this exact thing in this life and I'm sure in many lives before this. And you will do it in many lives after this. Just the way it is." She takes my hand and bring it to her lips, kissing it. "One day, you will find peace in any decision you make"
"He lied to me, he fathered a child with someone else, he has broken me in so many ways...what am I going to do?"
"You are going to be strong and you are going to learn to love yourself without Lindsey. You will be a mama to this beautiful little girl in a new place, with new friends and new opportunities. He can visit her if he likes but you need to be Stevie without Lindsey for a while. You will be just fine. Better than fine. Miss Stevie Nicks is going to be fabulous!" She makes a grand hand gesture and it makes me giggle. "You said it yourself you are stronger than you know. You can do this."
We board the plane and Aria gets so excited, tweeting at the birds that pass by the windows. We watch the clouds and it feels like we are in a magical place. I read her one of her books and hold her close to me, breathing in her scent. She is my hope, she makes everything better. "I love you, my precious plump perfection. I love you more than the moon and the stars." She whispers her sweet baby I love yous back to me and falls asleep in my arms.
