A day in the studio is what I need to distract me from the fact that my life is a mess. Lindsey is doing god knows what, leaving in the middle of the night and Aria is with my parents. I can't focus, I'm scribbling mindlessly in my journal, pouring all I feel out on paper as I always do. I haven't spoken to him this morning and I'm grateful for that. I don't know if I can look at him. My heart is breaking with every passing moment. I honestly don't understand what he's hiding from me. Where is the money going? If something is going on, he can tell me. I've always been by his side, always loyal. I have never once given him a reason not to trust me but he's given me a million not to trust him. I step into the booth, put the head phones on and let the music fill my mind. My cue comes and as I sing the words, I have tears in my eyes.
It wasn't that I didn't love you
I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried
To make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was...
All around you
There was nothing left for me
But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing
I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears
I wish I could figure a way around this
She says...like a sad song
I don't understand the way that I feel
I am terrified of being wrong
Well, I am not happy
And I am not crazy
Are you listening, do you hear
Everything happens for a reason
Stay clear
I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears
When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone
It wasn't that I didn't love you
But I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried to make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was all around you
There was nothing left for me
But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing
I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears
When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone
That don't mend the sorrow
Or reinvent the pleasure
The music fades and I take a moment to breathe. I sit down on the floor of the tiny booth and let myself cry. Only for a moment, so I won't cry when I get home. Aria doesn't need to see that. My marriage is falling apart. My marriage is falling apart. My marriage is falling apart. It's the only thought on my mind. It won't go away. Lori was right, I need to confront this but how can I? Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe in time I can try to forget. But I can't.
Where were you sneaking off to when we were new parents to our baby girl?
Where were you on Christmas on Aria's first Christmas?
Why do you leave suddenly and not always say goodbye?
Where do you go when your mind wanders, Lindsey? Let me in!
One more song and I can call it a day. Pull yourself together, Nicks! I can hear a famous friend of mine saying that to me right now and I smile, wiping my tears. Everyone comes back into the room, sitting at the sound board and we go back to it.
The bright light is lying down
The earth and the sea and the sky
Is at rest with the ocean
And the days go by
They go into the seas that have no shores
Haunted by that same closed door
Looking up at skies on fire
Leaving nothing left of us
To discover
And the planets of the universe
Go their way
Not astounded by the sun or the moon
Or by the day
You and I will simply disappear
Out of sight
But I'm afraid soon there'll be
No light
No doubt, no pain
Come ever again, well
Let there be light in this lifetime
In the cool, silent moments of the nighttime
And the planets of the universe
Go their way
Not astounded by the sun or the moon
Or by the day
You and I will simply disappear
Out of sight
But I'm afraid soon there'll be
No light
We will never change again
The way that we are changing
Well, you'll forget the chill of love
But not the strain
Now I know
Well, I was wrong
To live for a dream
If I had my life to live over
I would never dream, no
I still wish you gone
And I will live alone
Yes, I will live alone
And the planets of the universe
Go their way
Not astounded by the sun or the moon
Or by the day
You and I will simply disappear
Out of sight
But I'm afraid soon there'll be
No light
You will never love again
The way you love me
You will never rule again
The way you ruled me
You will never change again
The way you're changing
I remember writing this song years and years ago, at least a version of it. It was about Lindsey then and it's about Lindsey now. We do this to each other all the time and one day, this has to end. We made this beautiful life together and I've been watching it break down, I'm watching myself break down.
Now I know I was wrong to live for a dream.....
A/N: Another short update, more to come
