"You did what?!" Karen asked, nearly spitting out her coffee.
"I suggested we petition the court for custody of Will"
"But why? How would you have any standing?"
"He's innocent and he's only a couple months younger than Aria. We can give him everything he needs, everything he wants."
"But he isn't Lindsey's. We know this now. It's out in the open"
"Lindsey helped raise him for 2 years. Lindsey is the only other person in the world that little boy is comfortable with. Nothing is final, we are going to see if any family steps forward first"
"But you have your heart set on this, don't you?"
I look down into my tea cup and hesitate in answering. "I honestly don't know. I'm so saddened by the thought of him being alone. No child deserves that. I have never met this child but from what Lindsey has told me, he is such a joy! The more the merrier"
"I just don't want you to be hurt if he ends up not coming home with you. Don't you think this is a little too much stress right now? I mean, after everything that has happened and with this pregnancy being more difficult than Aria's...I think you're taking on too much at once."
"I don't need a lecture" I tell her.
"Stevie, that's not my intention. I just don't think it's a good idea. You will be bringing a brand new baby home so combined with work and a very active toddler you are going to have your hands full."
"I know. I'm going to my room for a while, okay?" I tell her, getting up from the table with my tea in my hand.
"Don't go, Stevie. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I just worry. I want to see you healthy and have a healthy baby. We don't need any scares. A lot has happened recently and I'm supposed to be here to look out for you."
"I appreciate your concern. I just need to be alone" I pat her hand and she nods, letting me go. I shut myself in the bedroom and put my tea down. I sit on the bed and let myself cry. I have been through so much recently and I'm letting it all sink in now. The ordeal with Kristen, them pleading guilty and taking the charges given to them, a little boy essentially orphaned by lust for revenge...I can't keep it inside anymore. My sobs grow louder and I try to stifle them but they are beyond my control. I rub my bump, calming the baby and trying to focus on my breathing.
"Steph?" Lindsey asks, knocking but already coming inside. "Honey are you okay?" I nod, and I open my arms so he will hug me. He sits on the bed and holds me the best he can. "What's wrong?"
"It's all finally hitting me." I begin, feeling instantly more calm in his arms. "I know what you said to me about Will but when I told Karen, she told me I was taking on too much. With the contractions I was having, the bed rest and then everything that happened with Kristen..."
"Wait a minute, what?" He asks, pulling away.
"What?"
"Contractions, bedrest?"
"Nothing" I say, realizing I had kept that from him for a reason.
"When was that?"
"I don't know. Like more than a month ago"
I can see him going back in his mind and putting the pieces together. "You said Aria needed one on one time with me...you didn't go out for ice cream, we brought something back for you."
"Yes"
"And the park...."
"Yes"
"The cramps, the growing pains...."
"Yes"
"Why didn't you tell me? I would have understood. I could have helped you"
"I know, I just didn't want you to worry."
"It's my job to worry about my wife and my children"
"I know but you were going through enough"
"Are you still having contractions?"
"Not recently"
"As in?"
"Not today." I admit.
"Oh, Stephanie...." he holds me again and I'm crying once more. "Let me take care of you. Your body is working so hard. Something has got to give"
"What do you mean?"
"We can't pursue William"
"But.."
"Shhh...you know I'm right. You have months to go. Take care of yourself and the baby first."
I nod, sobbing into his chest. His grey tee shirt is soaked through and sticking to his chest. He strokes my hair and while it is a great comfort, I feel such loss. "I wish we could, too" he says, knowing what is in my heart and I look up.
"You do?" I ask.
"Yeah, honey, I do" He looks at me and I know he is grieving too. I hold onto him even tighter and we cry together.
-------
I wake up in bed alone, the sun is shining outside and I'm so disoriented. I get up, go downstairs and I'm instantly greeted by Lindsey.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
"Good" I say, though still very confused. "What time is it?"
"Almost dinner time. After our little talk, you fell asleep. I could tell you were exhausted. I thought a nap could do you some good. Are you hungry?" I nod. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah....can we talk?"
"Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good." He says, sitting down with me at the table. "What's up?"
"Can I ask how you're feeling about all of this?"
"All of what?"
"Will, Lindsey. You don't seem to be dealing with it at all. Up there was the first time you even acknowledged being hurt. Before you were just angry at her for lying to you. Talk to me"
"I don't want to talk about it"
"Why? Just talk to me."
"No" he says. I expect him to storm off by the tone of his voice but he doesn't, he stays seated and I stare at him. I can't read him.
"Please Lindsey. Let me know how you feel. Don't keep it inside. We have got to get better at communicating if we want to save our marriage"
"Our marriage is fine..."
"Says you"
"Fine. I don't talk about it because it hurts, okay? He was my son for two years. I loved him. I was devastated when he got sick and I wanted to be there every second. I treated my family with you like trash....it was all for nothing. I shouldn't have treated you and Aria like that. Will being sick is no excuse for my actions but...I really don't want to talk about this" he says, slamming his hand down on the table. "I loved him so much, Steph. My beautiful baby boy. I was so proud of him. I never loved his mother but God did I love him. I guess I still love him. I can't think about him without feeling like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest while it's still beating. You and Aria and this little one make it easier to deal with because I love all of you so fucking much but there is still a huge gaping hole where my son used to be. I don't want to talk about it" he says, getting up from the table. He passes me and I grab his hand.
"Don't leave, Lindsey. I just want to help"
"Bringing him back and trying to adopt him isn't going to help. What don't you understand? He will never be mine the way he used to be mine. I was lied to! I would imagine which of his features came from me or even my dad...I imagined us playing catch and swimming and talking about girls, buying him his first drink and going car shopping for his 16th birthday....I'm in pain, Stephanie. Leave me alone!"
"I can't, Linds. I hurt for you. I do. My heart breaks for you. No matter what you did to me, I know you're grieving too. You feel hurt too. You love him, I do too. I got used to the idea of him being a fixture in your life. I wanted to meet him. I wanted him to spend time with his sister and I wanted them to be close. The way you would talk about him sometimes made me so jealous and I would wonder why wasn't our daughter that for you? Why wasn't I exactly what you wanted? What did she have that I didn't? I felt inadequate but I still got it. I understand that you loved him and that there will always be a special connection between a father and a son. I got it. I accepted it. But it didn't stop the pain for me"
"So then I guess you're relieved?"
"No, I'm not a monster! Jesus Christ! I just said I was in pain for you too. Yes, I was feeling inferior to this relationship but I'm not happy that he was taken from you. I was trying to make this easier. I wanted you to have your son back. I'd do anything to take away that pain!" I yell and he stares at me, almost through me. "I was just trying to help"
"I can't do this" he says. He walks past me and I follow him.
"Where are you going?"
"Let me breathe, Stevie." He says, whipping around. Just as quickly as he had turned and spoke, he turned back and shut the bedroom door. I stood there for a while, deciding what to do. Should I barge in or should I leave him alone? I turned to go down the hall, sighing, when I heard the door open again. I look over my shoulder and he crashes into me, hugging me tightly. The force makes me stumble back a little, much like the forceful, unwanted kiss in Landover, years before. "I'm sorry"
"I shouldn't have pushed you" I say.
"Yes, you should have. You're right. If I want us to work I have to talk. It's not fair to leave you in the dark and just expect you to know why I do the things I do."
"Can we keep talking things out then?"
"Yeah. I will try my best to keep you in the loop"
"Thank you"
"I love you" he says, kissing my cheek.
"I love you too, you stubborn, stubborn man, you"
