December 1998
Our daughter's first Christmas. She is 7 months tomorrow. Where has the time gone? Gifts are a hard thing as there aren't a lot of toys to get a young baby but her eyes grow so wide with wonder when the tree comes on. She loves the lights and all the shiny ornaments. Lindsey went to LA yesterday unexpectedly but he should be back shortly. I just hate the thought of him sleeping all alone in a hotel somewhere when he should be here with us. Aria and I have been playing this morning with Christmas music on and she gets so excited when I sing to her. She's talkative even though she only knows one word and she's starting to crawl now. She makes my heart so happy. We look at the clock and realize it's almost noon. I got up early with the baby, being by myself, and I got ready earlier but now it's time for baby girl to get her Christmas outfit on. Lori and Chris will be over later with big sister Jessie and baby Samantha. She's so precious! I change my little love's diaper, tickling her just to hear her sweet laughter fill the house when I'm feeling sad and lonely. I think back to last year when she was still growing inside of me. I was newly engaged and my mommy and daddy came to see us our beautiful home. I think back to the giant tree I didn't realize was giant, popcorn garlands and naming our street. So much has happened in such a little amount of time and I am so blessed. I put Aria's white tights on, her beautiful red velvet dress, little white socks with ruffled lace and her little black Mary Janes. I finish off her look with a black bow headband, contrasting her bourbon-amber colored curls. Her big blue ocean eyes stare up at me and I find myself in tears, holding her to me. I cry because I'm lucky to have been able to have her and everyday with her is special- she is learning and growing so much. But I also cry because I remember every time I sang Landslide with Lindsey, I think about the future and the changing meaning and inspiration behind those words.
"I miss your daddy. I hope he comes home soon" I whisper, kissing her face and making her smile.
I put her on my hip and check my make up in the mirror. I adjust my dress, hearing someone at the door. I go downstairs, hoping to see my husband. I open the door and it's Lori and Chris with the girls. I try not to look disappointed because I love them all so much, I just really want Lindsey.
"Hello!" I greet them, hugging them all. "Come in!" I show them inside and shut the door. I bend down to my eldest niece, smoothing her hair. "Jessie, if you go to the kitchen, there just might be some chocolate chip cookies on the counter"
"Mommy, can I have one?" She asks with puppy dog eyes. "Pleeeeeeease?"
"Why not?" Lori says. "It's Christmas"
"You're the best mommy ever!" Jessie says, hurrying off to grab her treat.
"Where's the old man?" Chris asks.
"Somewhere in LA. He said it was important. He left yesterday."
"And he's still not back?" I shake my head. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just miss him. I don't know what was so important that he had to leave on Christmas Eve. It's her first Christmas!" I'm getting emotional about it and Chris touches my shoulder.
"Don't get upset, Steves. I'm sure he has a good reason" I nod, wiping away swelling tears.
Samantha is laid down in the basinet. She was asleep when they came to the door, Jessie is watching a Christmas movie on tv and Chris, Lori and I sit down at the table. Aria is in my lap and she's slapping the table with plump hands. She's the happiest baby around and it's infectious.
"She is so cute, Stevie. She's the perfect mix of you and Lindsey"
"Yeah..." I say.
"Is everything okay with you guys?" Lori asks, taking my hand across the table.
"Yeah, we're fine. It's just, he's been so distant. He's in his own head all the time. I mean, he's still a good dad--"
"But is he a good husband?"
I shrug. "Am I ugly? Am I fat? What's wrong with me? I don't understand why he acts like he's not even interested in me"
"Oh honey!" Lori gets up to hug me and I cry silent tears. "You might be even slimmer than before you had Aria. You're absolutely beautiful. What's going on?"
"He's been so weird. He's not enthusiastic about anything that has to do with me. I try not to talk about work because, well, you know how that goes. But I've tried to talk about everything with him from competitive swimming to guitars, music...even the weather, stuff I heard on the news...maybe I just don't do it for him anymore."
"Stop it, Stevie" Lori protests, but I sail right on through.
"And then this stupid trip. He got a call and then he started packing right away. I asked him what happened and he said it was nothing, he just had to go. I just went with it, what could I say? Then I kissed him good bye and he just leaves. What could be so damned important?" Lori hands me a tissue and I pat my makeup.
"Is his mother there?"
"I mean, yes and she is getting older but he could tell me that. It's like he's hiding something"
"You don't think...?"
I shake my head. "I try not to think about it but I know I can't compete with someone younger. He told me Aria was enough but now he wants another child and we have been trying"
"Stevie...you're trying for another baby?" I nod. "Aria is so young!"
"I don't know if it will ever happen"
"You can't blame yourself, honey"
"Maybe I'm just too old for him"
"He's 6 months younger than you. If you're old, so is he"
I laugh a little. "Yeah, but you know it's different for men. They can have babies until they croak but for women...Aria was a miracle at my age" I hold her a little tighter, kissing the top of her head.
"Maybe he's just in a funk. You know he can be like that sometimes"
"Yeah, I guess you're right" I end the conversation by going to pour myself another cup of coffee. "Need a refill?" I ask them and they nod. I put my cup back on the table then bring the carafe to the kitchen table. "Cream, sugar?"
"No thanks, sis" Chris says. "Sit down, relax"
They help distract me for a while and when it starts getting late, we finally open presents then eat the first Christmas dinner I ever made that I worked so hard on. Aria was rubbing her eyes so I changed her into pajamas and I took her to her room. We had tea then they had to leave to get Jessie in bed. She was exhausted. I sat in my daughter's room praying she would wake up to be fed so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts but she continued to sleep soundly. I sighed, going to my own room and falling asleep fully clothed on top of the covers.
