There are sounds outside of the house and lights. Someone was in the driveway. The jingling of keys. It feels just like a year ago. This time there are loud foot steps bounding up the stairs and then the door to my room is flung open. He kicks off his boots and flops onto the bed. He curls into me and drifts off. I'm not fully awake, so I slip back into sleep easily. Some time later, the cries of my favorite little girl fills my senses and I go to her. She's wet and hungry. I change her diaper then sit in the rocking chair by her crib to nurse her. I smile down at her, her face illuminated by pale moon light. "Beautiful baby" I say aloud, kissing her hand that rests at my breast every time she feeds. "No matter what happens, you are everything to me." I tell her in a whisper. When she has had her fill, I burp her then put her back in her crib. I go back to my room and take off my makeup that I left on. I broke my main rule and I'm so upset with myself over it. I make sure to really pamper my skin and put on an extra rich skin cream. I take off my beautiful dress I wore for Lindsey that he never saw and tossed on a night gown. I noticed my breasts ached when I removed my bra but quickly got into bed, trying not to obsess over it. I fell back to sleep until Aria got up at a much more reasonable hour.
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I take a quick shower while Aria plays in the baby cage, as Lindsey calls it. It's actually one of those corrals you can set up in different sizes and shapes. It kind of takes up a lot of space but I like giving her room to play now that she mobile. I blow dry my hair and do my make up. I put on my silk robe and slippers, checking in on the baby before I go to my closet. I put on a deep purple wrap dress that accentuates my small waist and shapely hips. I add the angel wing necklace he bought be as a present before Aria was born and I spray on a perfume he has said drives him absolutely wild. I pull on high boots over my black tights and fluff my hair, checking my appearance in the mirror. I pick up my little girl. "Does mommy look good?" I ask her and she reaches up to touch my face and tangle her hand in my hair but she is much more violent than Lindsey. She tugs the handful forcefully to her mouth and I try to gently take it away. "Naughty little girl!" We go downstairs and see Lindsey making breakfast. He's calm, chipper, relaxed- a complete one-eighty from how he was a few days ago. I sit on the floor with the baby and test her crawling with a toy, moving it a little bit farther away every time she gets close and she giggles. I watch Lindsey smiling as he makes his now famous Buckingham Silver Dollar pancakes. He motions for me to come near and I get up, going over to him.
"How are you?" He asks, trying to kiss me and I casually move away so it wouldn't look intentional.
"I'm good, Linds. How are you?"
"Good" He goes back to cooking and I feel disappointed. That's all he wanted? Maybe he was testing the waters to see if I'd be pissed at him or not. He makes me a plate, pours a glass of orange juice and sits it on the table. Then he waits. He doesn't say a single word. He makes himself a plate, pouring a glass of juice again then sits down. He looks up at me then gestures in a way that irritates me. I can't even describe it. It's like I should know my place. After putting the baby in her high chair, I make her a little breakfast. It's always a mess but I let her eat her oatmeal on her own. She loves to squish it in her chubby hands and attempts to put it mostly in her mouth. At the very least, oatmeal is good for the skin. I watch as I prepare her food and he never once looks at her, he just eats. I'm getting really upset now and I lean down to him. "I don't know what's wrong with you but cut it out. I don't like it." I hiss.
"Excuse me?!" He says. "Are you on your period or something?!"
"What a sexist thing to say!" I raise my voice and Aria starts to cry. I try to soothe her, I have never once yelled at him since she has been born. "And for your information, no. I'm...late" I admit. "And I'm nervous as hell and you're not making this any better"
He stares at me, and he completely stops eating, putting his fork down with a clatter. "You're late?"
"Where were you? We waited for you. Her first Christmas..." I'm still very sad about this and feel the tears coming. "Where were you?"
"You know where I was, Steph. Talk about the other thing"
"No, I'm not getting into that. I need answers."
"And you will get them."
"When? You always say that and I rarely do."
"You shouldn't be getting yourself worked up. Sit down." He motions to the table and pulls out a chair for me. His sudden concern makes me even more angry. He didn't care at all before, now the slight mention that I might possibly be pregnant made him change his tune entirely.
"Where were you?" I ask for a third time.
"In LA. I was working"
"With who"
"The usual people. You know I've been trying to work on things for the past year."
"Fine" I say, not wanting to argue anymore. Aria is sensitive to energy like me and she won't do anything but if it's tense. She needs to eat. I sit down and begin to eat the breakfast he has prepared.
"You know I love you, don't you?" He asks.
"Yeah, I guess"
"Steph, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything but it was something I had to do"
"You've been doing that for months though. There is something in LA that makes you have to jump in the car and leave us at a moment's notice. Are you cheating on me?" I ask, my voice trembling.
"No, Steph. Jesus, why would you even think something like that?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm insecure" I pick at the pancakes and realize I'm not so hungry anymore.
"There is nothing to be insecure about. You are my wife, you are my love and you come first. Always. Everything else comes second"
"Promise?"
"I promise." I let him kiss me and he goes back to eating. I cut my food into small piece but end up just moving them around in the syrup. He takes my hand and squeezes it and I manage a weak smile.
