I busy myself with work. Mama and I were going to do thanksgiving and I wanted to go as soon as possible but with how Lindsey and I are, I needed to try to fix things first. I have a tour planned for the summer of the new year which will most likely be delayed and I planned on releasing a box set. I had meetings that would distract me sometimes but my potential little family was always on my mind.
More distractions: Sometimes there are record label perks and I get to listen in to other artists, I hear about some really great songs before everyone else.
BareNakedLadies, not something or someone I ever in a million years though I would say I liked if only because it makes me blush when I say it. They have a song going on their new album called One Week and it's a silly song with some off the wall lyrics. It's danceable in a weird way and I find myself singing the words to myself. So catchy!
It's been one week since you looked at me
Yes it has Lindsey.
I forget what I'm doing and nearly burn breakfast. Karen saves it for me, asking where my mind is. I just motion to my belly and she nods knowingly.
"Talk to him" she says. "The worst he can do is not answer"
"No, the worst he can do is want no part"
"I know you want a family" I nod, tears in my eyes.
"Don't torture yourself." She holds me briefly.
A couple more days pass and I know I need to tell him. It's not right to keep it to myself and I know he would never be able to forgive me if I let this go on too long. I gathered my courage and went to his house. I took a deep breath and knocked, waiting a few minutes for him to answer the door. He didn't look at all warm or friendly. A look of disappointment passed my face and he turned to look over his shoulder, looking back into the house.
"Hold on" he said. He shut the door and I waited outside. When he opened it back up again, he rushed a tall slim brunette past me then let me inside.
"I, I didn't know you had company" I bit my lip. "I could come back"
"No, stay" he says, holding onto my wrist.
"Who is she?" I ask
"Not now" His words stop my questioning of him further. He sees I'm hurt. "She's, she's no one you need to be concerned about, honey"
"Okay" I let it go. "I tried to contact you last week"
"I know"
"You didn't feel like talking I guess?"
"I guess not" He shuffles his feet around, digging his toes into the high pile rug on the hard wood floor.
"Can we sit down?" I ask.
"Yeah" He gestures to the couch and we sit far apart when I am dying to be close to him. Every time I try, he moves away and I start to cry.
"Why do you keep doing that?" I ask, referring to how he's practically running away from me.
He ignores my question. "Why are you even here? Inviting me to the Stevie Nicks Thanksgiving Extravaganza?" He laughs at his own cleverness and it makes me sick.
"No"
"Or maybe you've found someone else and you just want to rub it in my face?"
I see red. "You mean, like you have been doing to me? The entire time you said you wanted a break you were parading bimbos around and even just today- who was that fucking girl?!"
"That's rich! You do that to me every single time we don't work out. Boyfriend after boyfriend. Now I'm the bad guy!"
"I never said that, baby" I say, trying to calm him down.
"You think you can waltz back in life after the lies you've told?"
"What lies? Because I didn't make you a trophy and show you off so everyone could see. I wanted us to be private. I wanted you all to myself"
"No, you didn't! Do you even hear yourself? You hurt me, Stephanie! Am I that much of a loser that you were too ashamed to tell others that it was I who warmed your bed, stroked your ego, treated you like the spoiled fucking princess you are?! You threw me away!" He had jumped up from the couch, waving his arms about and he was really starting to scare me.
"I'm sorry, if I could take it back, I would!"
"What would you do then, if you could change it? Tell me, what would you do?"
"I wouldn't have given you up to begin with, all those years ago. Is that what you want to hear? Because that's the fucking truth!" I scream and I know I have to calm down but I can't. "When I see you with someone else..." I trail off, feeling sick and sit down again.
"And you think I've never felt this way?" He laughs bitterly. "You say I'm the jealous possessive one, but you're just as bad as I am. Maybe we do deserve each other" This just went from bad to worse. Jesus!
"I want you to be mine, I dream of you being mine, I don't just take you! I am not at all like you!" Good one, Stevie! In my head, I'm rolling my eyes at myself. Why do I always do this? Why do I always have to poke the bear?
He half laughs, sticking his tongue in his cheek and I know he is trying not to say something he will regret. Still after all these years, he will *sometimes* spare my feelings. "Give up the games, Stevie. Maybe there is someone else out there who can put up with them but it won't be me. I wanted all of you and you just couldn't give that to me....Maybe...maybe you should leave" I hear the hesitation in his voice and I am crushed.
"You, you really want me to go? To never see me again?" I'm feeling desperate, something I rarely feel. I have never felt this way about any man but him. I need him to stay, or at least be around me. I touch my stomach briefly. "There's is no one else in the world for me but you, Linds." I step toward him and reach out to touch his face. He doesn't stop me. "We share a special bond that no one else could ever possibly share." I look at him, then start moving toward the door. I wish it wouldn't be like this.
"And what is that 'oh so special' bond?" He mocks, making me turn around.
"A baby." I say, and he looks stunned.
"A baby? You're...? What are you even....? How?"
"You know how." I say.
He's pacing, wild eyed. "I can't even look at you right now." My heart stops. "Leave, Stevie."
"Don't do this"
"I said, just fucking leave" His voice booms through the house and I fling the door open, running outside. I don't even shut his door, I just flee. I wrap my arms around myself and walk around his neighborhood. I really didn't think any of this through.
It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry
Five days since you laughed at me saying
Get that together come back and see me
Three days since the living room,
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry
Stupid song!
I hear a voice call my name. It's so familiar.
"Stevie!" The voice says again. I turn around "What the hell are you doing by yourself?"
"Mick? I thought you'd be in Hawaii."
"Nah, just hanging around here for a little while, working. Do you need a ride?" I nod. He stops his car and gets out to open the door for me. I'm in tears and he doesn't pester me. I beg him to take me to his house and I know how hesitant he must be. He eventually agrees and I'm so grateful to him but after some time in silence he says he'd rather take me home. He doesn't feel comfortable with me there and it still hurts, even if I totally understand. I haven't even spoken to him, just cried as he cautiously put his arms around me.
At my house, I leave the door open for him to come inside. He opens a bottle of wine and offers me a glass but I decline, claiming I've already got enough of a headache. He shrugs and sits down with me as I pour my heart out. There it goes, I tell him that I was with Lindsey and now he hates me, I confess to him how alone I feel...He strokes my hair and I continue to ramble. At one point, he kisses me and I let him but I don't return the pressure of his lips at first. I feel like shit about myself in all honesty.
I'm not living in the real world. I'm in a whole lotta trouble, to paraphrase myself.
I chuckle to myself, thinking about the mess I've made. All because I wouldn't just tell everyone who made me so goddamned happy. What an idiot! I wrap my arms around Mick's neck, letting myself fall for him again, if only for a little while. I can taste the sweet wine on his lips and I feel instantly intoxicated. I was definitely living for this moment, not thinking of any consequences it might have.
After a few minutes of making out like two horny teenagers, my door swings open and we both look up.
A/N: so I updated but you still won't like me. Sorry guys :(
