I've really done it this time. I know, I know. I shouldn't feel bad but I do. We created a beautiful, perfect, innocent and absolutely miraculous little being inside of me. I told myself not to get attached, I told myself not to care but thinking about not keeping this baby is destroying me. Lindsey and I dreamed of this together, many years ago, two kids and a marriage, a beautiful home. I get out of my bed, finally deciding not to cry anymore. I took a shower, fixed my hair and put on fresh clothes. I came downstairs, and I was greeted by Aria. I picked her up and kissed her all over just to hear that infectious laugh.
"Where are you going?" Karen asked, watching me gather up my purse and my notebook.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Take you to Lindsey?" She guesses with a smirk.
"Please?"
Karen stares at me. I'm wordlessly pleading with her and she sighs.
"Fine" she says. "Call me when you want me to pick you up?"
"I will. Thank you!"
She grabs her keys and we put Aria in the car to head over to the hotel Lindsey is staying at. I arrive and though I never asked where he is staying, I know he's here. Karen drops me off and reminds me to call her when I'm done.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" She asks.
"No honey, I will be fine."
"Bye, mama" Aria says from the backseat.
"Bye baby, bye Karen" I wave then go inside. I ask for his room number at the desk and the concierge hands me a room key.
"Welcome, Sara." The man says, smiling at me with a knowing look in his eyes. I give him a strange look at first but then end up smiling. I go up the elevator to the top floor and find his room right away. I gather my courage and knock on the door. No answer. I knock again.
"Don't you see the sign? It says do not disturb!" He yells from behind the door.
"It's" I clear my throat, my voice barely coming out. "It's Sara. Please open the door" After a minute, he comes to the door and lets me come in. He doesn't say a word. "Can we talk?" I ask, sitting down on a chair I had moved from the desk. This isn't an extravagant room in the least. It's the hotel we thought, when we were rich and famous, we could stay at and we still laugh about it. When we came to see my parents after we joined Fleetwood Mac, we got a room here only to realize it's a lot nicer outside that inside. Lindsey sits on the bed in front of me and he looks rough. His head is low, he is staring at the floor, he's fidgeting and his beautiful curls are a mess and sticking every which way. I touch his hand and he doesn't even register it or respond to it. "They called me Sara at the desk"
"It's the name you like to use. I prayed you'd come by and I'd get to see you. I didn't mean anything by it, if I offended you." His voice was soft and hoarse. I lift his chin so he would look at me and gasped when I saw his eyes. They were red and swollen and I don't think I have ever seen him this way. I could count the number of times I had even seen him cry on one hand.
"No, thanks for the extra key. I really appreciate the gesture. It means a lot to me, Linds" I tell him. He averts his gaze, it saddens me. "I know I hurt you. I'm so sorry"
"I had no right to tell you what to do. I shouldn't have yelled at you" Lindsey says.
"I deserved it" I tell him.
"You haven't deserved anything I said or did to you. I owe you answers. For everything. Can we talk about that? I don't want to upset you"
"I would like to talk about that"
He takes a deep breath. "Where should I start?"
"The beginning" I say.
"All the way at the beginning this time, I was crushed when I saw you with Mick at rehearsal. I was so jealous but I knew I couldn't treat you like that. I wanted you, God did I want you and I was thrilled when you let me in. We got close again and we moved very quickly. I was having the time of my life, my house was finished and everything was amazing. The tour started and it's like I always say--"
"We're great on our own but when other people are around...it goes to hell" I say sadly.
"Right. And I understand your need for privacy but I wanted to marry you, Steph. I wanted to make a life with you and when you wanted to keep us a secret, I felt like you were ashamed of me."
"I wasn't" I protest.
"I know that now. We took our break and I filled the void. I lost you and I was lost too. Karen called me but I was in so much pain, Steph. I couldn't see outside of it. You told me about Aria and I acted like the biggest asshole. No wonder you ran back to Mick."
"I didn't. He was driving down the road and he saw me walking down the sidewalk. He picked me up and I wanted to be with a friend. He took advantage of me. That's what you saw. He tried to put moves on me and I was broken, Lindsey. I was in pain too. I had just told you about the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to us and it went so wrong..." I felt the tears falling down my cheeks and he reaches out to wipe them away. The gentle touch of his finger tips on my skin only make me cry more.
"I'm so sorry. Should I keep going?" I nod, unable to speak. "I went back to the cabin. I put all those pictures up. It was torture and I deserved it. I saw you in every inch of my home. I dreamed of you every night. I went out for groceries, knowing I had to do more than just drink myself into oblivion and that's when you showed up. It was a miracle! So beautifully pregnant, our sweet Aria tucked right here" he says, motioning to my belly. I smile through my tears but it is such a sad smile and he notices. "You told me she was a girl and I dreamed of our little girl growing up in pure love. Things were great for a while and we were finding each other again. We were doing promotions for our projects- The Dance, Enchanted...and those feelings of inferiority started creeping back up. We were married and we were expecting our beautiful daughter and I felt like you were running away again. I was afraid to lose you, I was afraid of so many things. You told me later you stepped out for some air but I thought you left, really left. I didn't know what to do with myself. After that, we were fine. Then of course, when things are good then often turn bad again. I got a call from Kristen and she told me she was pregnant and it was mine. She was 6 weeks behind you and I lost my mind. I was angry, I was sad, I was disgusted with myself. I shouldn't have lied to you when you went to perform on Leno. I should have told you the truth but I was scared you'd leave me. I went to see her for myself and drove back home. I couldn't believe it was true. I didn't know there were pictures...I didn't see anyone around. I should have come clean"
"Don't beat yourself up"
"I did the wrong thing, Steph." He tells me. "The day you went into labor they told me the truth after the battle we had to get the results. We had Aria and I couldn't bring myself to tell you. We were so happy. At first, Kristen said I could pay her child support and she would keep quiet. The money was always very important to her but then she would call anyone around me, all of 'my people' and say I needed to call her, it was urgent. I started slipping away to LA to appease her. She would say she would sell the story and destroy us, she was blackmailing me...Aria's first Christmas was one of those times. I didn't want to see you and my daughter splashed on the front pages of tabloids calling you the other woman when you were my only woman. She has a friend at those rag mags and he would do anything for her. Apparently they were high school buds or something. I spent time with her and I kept saying I had to go and she kept threatening me. I felt trapped. I thought of you all the time. I don't know why I was so scared of her but I guess I just was terrified of losing you. Once again, I made a stupid choice. The wrong choice. I kept sneaking away and of course, you got suspicious. I know you don't want to hear this, but I want you to know the whole truth, okay?"
"Okay" I say, the tears still flowing.
"Kristen and I slept together a couple of times but I swear we were protected. I didn't want another child with her, I don't." Deep down I knew they had been together in that way but hearing the words hurt. "Will had gotten sick and that's when we sought comfort in each other. I haven't slept with her since and I never, ever will again. But um, he was having all kinds of crazy symptoms and the doctors had no idea what was going on. I knew I had to be there for him, not for her. I was there for my son and only my son. I was scared to death for Will. He was so little, he's still so little, y'know? I came back and I treated you like garbage and I regret it so much. I was drinking so much and I know it is no excuse but I was either drunk or high on old habits all the time. You confronted me about the money when you found out and I was struck with so much fear. You pushed to know, as you should have, but I got defensive. I pushed you away and that was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do." He looks at me and I can barely understand him now. We are both crying so much.
"I thought you chose her" I say.
"Baby, I would never ever choose her. I was scared of what she would do. You have worked so hard to be where you are in this world. I was afraid she would ruin everything for you, for us. We wanted to protect our daughter and I was trying my best. It was hard to see her growing up and doing new things every time I would come back. I had missed so much and it killed me. I have an apartment in LA that I rent and Kristen lives there too with Will. It's close to the hospital just in case something happens. It's so cold there. There's nothing on the walls, hardly any toys...no love at all. I get depressed just thinking about it. There is no life, no happiness....there's no you, Steph. When she threatened me again, I made my way out here to see you. I had to. I can't live without you. I know I missed a lot but I miss my daughter. I started on an anti depressant, not that you can tell. I've started going to see a therapist regularly now but I feel so lost still. I don't know if any of this is working. I'm really trying though"
"I know. You're doing really good" I reassure him, touching his hand.
"I haven't celebrated a single anniversary with you. We planned our reception party for our first anniversary but when my mother died, I lost it. I feel so alone in this world and even though I know I'm not with you and Aria, I couldn't see outside of my pain. I shouldn't have taken any of this out on you. You guys didn't deserve that. I couldn't cope and that's why I tried to get help to begin with."
"I'm proud of you for taking the steps. It's so hard"
"Thank you, angel" A slight smile appears on his handsome face and I smile back. "Then the baby, our new baby. I know I don't deserve the chance to be a father again, I wasn't a father the first time...but when I had to hear from the nurse that my beautiful wife is pregnant, and that you were getting an ab--, a procedure....I'm gutted, Stephanie. I know I'm the jerk of the century and I know you're raising Aria on your own. I know you're probably terrified about what's going on inside your body and with us. I just want the chance to change your mind. I want the chance to show you real love. I want to show you I'm the man you fell in love with instead of just the shell of him. I love you. God, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts to be away from you. I'd rather die than not see you and Aria. You asked me to stay away from you when you first moved here and I agreed. I listened when Karen told me to give you room, but those demons came back....how could you love a man like me? How could you ever want to be with me? I don't deserve you but I want you so bad Stephanie"
"You do deserve me. I want you too, Lindsey. I love you so much but I'm so scared. I can't raise a second child without you. I need to be here for Aria and this pregnancy could be so dangerous. If I could..." I'm sobbing. My heart is breaking and he gets off the bed. I stand so he can wrap me in his arms. He calms me enough to speak after several minutes. "If I could have this baby, if I didn't have to share you with another woman, another family...I'd do it in a heartbeat. My decision wasn't easy."
"I know that, baby. I tied your hands on this. I did so many awful things to you and you think this is the only choice you have. I wish I could change how you feel but I won't tell you what to do." He pulls away for a moment to look at me. "I wish I could change your mind but I won't force anything on you. Like I said, I have no right. But what I will say is I will fight for you. I will do anything in this entire world to show you that I can change and I will change. If given the chance, I would take care of this baby with you. I will be a good dad to both of them and be the husband you truly deserve. Just tell me what to do, Steph" His hands are at either side of my face and my tears are falling over his finger tips. I close my eyes and know I have another huge decision to make. I want to believe him. He has answered my every question and has given me the ability to do or say anything that I feel. He's listening. He knows he was wrong and for so long, I thought he was oblivious. He's working on himself and he's doing his best to be present.
"I-I will think about what you've said. I won't say yes or no either way right now. Emotions are too high" I tell him and the wall I've built is crumbling against my will. He sees this and simply nods, backing off.
"I can respect that. I totally understand. I appreciate you considering how I feel." He wipes my tears once more and lets go of my face. "Would you like anything to eat? I can order you something, or we can go out?"
"I really ought to be going home to Aria." I would love to but I'm scared as hell.
"Oh...okay" Please, let me in
"But you'll be by to see us tomorrow, right?"
"Yes" he says, his eyes lighting up. "Definitely"
"Okay, good. Great." I don't really know what to do. Should I hug him? Kiss him? Shake his hand? He senses my awkwardness and he pulls me into a gentle hug, rubbing my back.
We pull apart and he half smiles. "It was so good to see you" I miss you more with each and every beat of my heart.
"Like wise." It's always good to see you. "Good night, Lindsey" I say, opening the door.
"Good night, Sara" he says, knowing there is no privacy with me stepping into the hall. "I love you" he tells me, then looks away. I know he doesn't expect a response but I feel compelled.
"I love you too" I say, turning and walking down the hall. I use the phone in the lobby to call Karen and she drives me home in silence.
A/N: Its a long one! Sorry if there are any mistakes and I know there is a ton of dialogue but bear with me, you guys!
