"Calm Down, Stevie. Think about it this way, if you are...you know, then at least he will be overjoyed. You went on and on about him and he sounds literally perfect. The perfect man. You can be a family like you always talked about. And if not, well, yay! Freedom from all that messy monthly stuff!"
"You don't understand" I begin. "We, we broke up. Well, he calls it a break but I've seen him with other women."
"Is he like, much younger than you or something? Young ones always rebound, then come crawling back. I know from experience"
"Well..." I try to wipe away my tears. "I guess he was younger than me but only by a little bit and he found someone even younger! I just...I guess I was wrong. Maybe he wasn't perfect, maybe he's not the one. Or maybe he wasn't that one true perfect man for me, but for somebody else" I start sobbing, unable to breathe and she calms me down to the best of her ability.
"You have got to relax. I know this is hard but he might come around. At least it's not Lindsey, right?"
She tries to get me to see the positive side but I can't. 'It is Lindsey' I want to scream. I am wallowing away in my own self pity and apparently somewhere inside I'm enjoying it because I always do this. I always push him away and justify it later. Selfless Stevie says let him go because I couldn't possibly give him the life he so desires- kids, dinner on the table when he gets home, stability. But Selfless Stevie can shove it! I want him back and I have to do it fast. I have to let him know how I feel.
I nod my head in response to her and she goes to look at the tests for me. The gasp tells me all I need to know. More tears! This time, she's crying too.
"Oh my gosh, you're going to be a mommy!" She looks happy for me and I can't help but smile a little. "You've got a baby under all that chiffon and lace!"
I touch my stomach, imagining what the future holds. I want so badly to dream of that cabin, our little getaway, with Lindsey and our child. I try to bring back the image of the big Christmas tree and presents, big holiday meals, decorations hung everywhere and music blaring. It's gone. There's nothing when I close my eyes. I try to remain strong, knowing I can't forget about myself now. I have to take care of myself and stay healthy. This baby is my last chance.
The cars whisk us away to our hotel, as tomorrow morning we would all be parting and going back home. I have so many things to plan and rearrange. I have Karen try to set up an appointment with a doctor for when I come back, though she knows nothing. She hasn't been able to escort me during this part of the tour due to a family emergency but we do keep in contact almost everyday. I try to get to sleep as quickly as I can. Lindsey won't be here tonight or any other night once more. We barely speak. I know he has a new girlfriend and is hoping to forget all about me. I let myself cry, I know I need it. I weep for the past, the torn apart present and all that is coming my way in the future. I'm terrified, absolutely terrified.
---
The next morning, Lindsey brings her to the breakfast table and I nearly vomit, just sensing her. Or maybe it's morning sickness? Either way, I don't like her. I fuss with a bagel, loading it up with cream cheese, just to rip it shreds with my fingernails.
"You know, there are some much lower calorie options over there...if you're looking. As you can see, my figure is naturally slim so maybe I could help you, with you being in the public eye and all" She says and I just glare at her then back to my plate. "Is she always that fat?" she whispers to Lindsey and I hear her. He shifts uncomfortably, looking at me. He looks like he doesn't like when she talks badly about me then he shrugs and the hope I had is lost.
"I can't do this" I say, getting up from the table. "I'm going to finish packing, Chrissy" I pat her shoulder and she squeezes my hand, smiling sympathetically. I hear the two love birds laughing and I know it's self centered to believe it's about me but I can feel their eyes on me, judging my body. I get to my room successfully without breaking down into tears. I shove some things into my bag and roughly zip it up.
