When Lindsey left my house, I didn't realize how much it would effect me. I didn't want him to leave my side, I didn't want him to go back to California, I didn't want him to go back to her...I think we are making real progress. There was no anger at all, we had a great family day and Aria fell in love with him all over again.
He called us every night and would talk to us for over an hour on speaker phone. He would play guitar and sing for our daughter before she would go to bed. Sometimes I don't know why I ever left then something like a phone call from her can ruin everything. He gets tense when she calls if he's here with us and it takes him forever to relax.
We plan a trip every couple of weeks and I honestly can't wait to see him again. Aria is excited too. She chooses to go to the botanical gardens and have a picnic, we get everything ready and wait for Lindsey. When we open the door, he's playing his guitar, singing a song for her and she is over the moon. She's dancing and singing and I know this is how it's supposed to be.
The holidays pass, another anniversary passes uncelebrated. We go off on little adventures any time he can get out here. We never have a lot of time but I know that right now and forever, I will have to share. I think often about how life used to be and I really work myself up knowing it will never be that way again. It will never be just us and it brings the pain back every time.
"You're so quiet today, are you alright?" He asks me in the car, going to our destination of the day.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine"
"You look pale. We could have cancelled. I would have taken care of you"
"No, Linds, I'm fine. Focus on Aria. She misses you a lot."
"I miss her too"
"How's Will?" I ask. Sometimes it hurts to talk about him but I know I should. That little boy did nothing wrong.
"You really want to know?" I nod, smiling even with the churning in my stomach. "He's doing really well actually. We've got a rhythm with this thalassemia thing now and Kristen is holding it together really well"
"I'm glad, I couldn't imagine what she's going through. To have your baby boy sick..." I'm in tears and even though I hate that she even exists and sometimes I even still dwell on what she said to me years ago, my heart breaks for anyone in this situation.
"Don't cry, baby" he says, wiping my tears. "What's going on?" He asks. I know I can't tell him. Things have been going really good and I don't want to change what we have right now.
"Nothing. You know, I'm really excited to be doing things like this with you and with Aria. Let's make the most of it before you have to go back home"
"Don't call it that, Steph. Home is wherever you girls are. I'm home right now"
"But you're living with her, aren't you?" He nods, turning away from me to watch the road again.
"Technically she lives with me"
"Oh. How is the cabin?"
"I haven't been back" he tells me and I leave it. Part of me is relieved and part of me is heartbroken. "I'm dying without you"
"You're going to be fine."
"I'm not, Stephanie." He says, parking the car along the road so we can talk. We aren't far from where Aria wants to go for our millionth picnic so we remain here for sometime. Our baby has fallen asleep on the drive and it's quiet. The only thing you can hear are doves and it's beautifully calming.
"You have to be. They need you."
"Do you? Do you need me too?"
"Y-yes. I do. But that's not how this works. You need to worry about your son, you need to make sure he's healthy and that she is doing okay with everything going on. They need you more than I do" I know that's not true. I need him so much right now that it hurts.
He nods. "So that's it?" He asks. "Steph, are we over?"
"I...I think so" I say and I cannot believe what just came out of my mouth.
He tips his head back and looks at the sky. "Okay" he says, tears slipping down his face.
"Please, don't hate me. I'm only doing what I think is right"
"And what about Aria?"
"You know you can see her whenever you want"
"You have an album coming out next year. Are you touring?"
"I don't know"
"Can I have her if you do?" His words are killing me. "I've missed so much already. Please say yes"
The churning inside becomes too much with the stress and the crying and I swing open my car door, throwing up several times on the side of the road. I groan, feeling even worse than before. I sit back against my seat, hoping for a breeze. It's hot, I feel awful and I honestly just want to go home.
"I guess I have my answer"
"Shut up, Linds" I tell him, half smiling so he knows I was only joking. I turn my head to look at him and his face has such a shocked expression. "What?"
"You look awful"
"Thanks Lindsey"
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. You just look, man you're really sick aren't you?"
"I'm fine. It's not contagious or anything so don't go running away. I think I just got too hot."
"Let's take you home. I'll put on the AC and you can relax" I nod, not wanting to argue. He turns the car around and we head back to the house. I'm upset Aria won't get her picnic, I hate that I've made a fool of myself and I feel like I've ruined a great day. They had so much fun earlier.
Once back at the house, Karen greets me and takes me upstairs to run a bath for me.
"You have to say something" she tells me.
"I can't. With everything going on, I just can't. It's hard enough to share him as it is"
"You said yourself it's not right to keep him in the dark"
"This is different"
"Fine, suit yourself. I'm going to step out to tie up some loose ends for the final stages of this record, okay? You have a lot coming up and I have to stay on top of it. Will you be okay by yourself?"
"Yeah, Linds is here so I will be fine." She gives me a look of concern. "Just go, honey."
"Alright, but call me if you need me. I shouldn't be too long" She hugs me and I watch her go, sighing.
I slip into my bath and let the tears fall. Shit, Stevie. What are you going to do now?
