Christmas is this month and my belly had popped. If my hand was always on my stomach before, it's absolutely glued now. I'm not the most body confident but I feel gorgeous right now! My body is doing an amazing thing and I'm in awe. My breasts have really blossomed and I had to get measured recently, being told I've gone up three whole cup sizes. They're heavy and tender but I'm welcoming all of the changes. Karen has been a gift! She checks on me often but also knows when I need space. We go to appointments and she cried with me when we heard the heart beat again. I was told we can space the appointments out now since I'm so healthy and the baby looks great. I'm in my second trimester and I'm starving all the time. Karen keeps snacks with her when we have to be out for a long time. We went Christmas shopping and bought presents for people back home, as well as picking up a present for a certain person, you know who. She tried to tell me not to do it but I've asked her to make sure his address is the same and I will send it over. She hides the pictures of Lindsey with other women but I can't get the ones I've seen out of my head.
I go to sleep every night thinking of my most precious gift. Karen tells me Lindsey's home is up for sale and I no longer know how to reach him. I pray to God to send me a miracle and that we will meet again. I pray we will be able to find him or he will be able to find us. You'd think with all the connections I have, I'd be on his door step right now but no such luck. Karen rants about him often and laughs when I tell her my brother called him Lindsey Loser Buckingham once but I was not so amused. I miss him a lot, more now that the baby has grown to this point. Every time the baby moves, I wish he were here.
I pack up Lindsey's present and ask Karen for a huge favor. I take a key and give it to Karen. When Lindsey and I took our break, I put it on a longer chain that I often had tucked under my tops, out of view so I could keep it close to my heart. I finish packing and we hit the road. I remember driving here for the first time with him and I know I'm getting close by the butterflies I'm feeling. We turn down the dirt road and I see our cabin coming into view. I gasp, it being even more beautiful than I remember. She helps me in with the key I gave her, bringing in my things and I make myself at home. Karen asks me if I need anything and I ask her to order a big tree to be brought in. I feel like I'm alone, but I know I'm really not. My sweet baby is always with me. I confirmed with her that Lindsey had told me that no matter what, I'd be welcome and that becomes evident, when I look around and see new photos of us everywhere. Karen leaves me on my own and I go right to bed. I'm tired from travel, our special place being so far away, and I'm in desperate need of a nap. The bed clothes smell like him, and I inhale deeply. I pull them close to me, cocooning myself in them and drift off to sleep rather easily.
---
Someone is in the driveway outside and the music is so loud! Lady Jane by The Rolling Stones. We used to listen to the Aftermath record all the time, when we were kids. I smile at the memory, though not fully awake. I realize now that a pregnant woman sleeping alone in a cabin built in the woods isn't such a good idea, especially when I hear sounds right outside the door. I stay as quiet as possible, slipping down the stairs to the kitchen to grab the phone, ready to call the police if someone breaks in, if I need to. I'm shaking like a leaf but I relax a little when I hear keys.
"Lindsey!" I squeal from inside the house, seeing him through the window.
"Stephanie?" He can't seem to get the key in the lock and he's really struggling so I open the door. He looks into my eyes and I start to cry.
"You're here" I say. He has bags in his hands and I offer to help but he shakes his head. "Let me help you put it all away then, if I can't carry anything" I offer.
"What are you doing here?" He asks me, putting the groceries down so I can help put everything away.
"I'm sorry, I--"
"No, I didn't mean it the way it came out. Um, how have you been?"
"I've been okay as I can be, considering. But to answer your question, I'm here because you said I could come here whenever I wanted, no matter what went on with us. Did I interrupt something?"
He smiles at me. "No, not at all. I'm alone. I broke up with that girl"
"All of them?" His smile fades and his gaze falls to the floor.
"Yeah, all of them...and I live here now. I wanted to be off the radar for a while."
"You live here?"
"Yeah. I didn't know you'd be here when I came back. I was gone most of the day. Had I known, I would have been a better host"
"I didn't mean to intrude. I missed you and the baby moves all the time now. She reminds me of you. You didn't want to see me so I came here to be close to at least some little part of you."
"Are you staying for Christmas?"
"According to everything you told me, it's supposed to be beautiful here and we should make it a family tradition."
"I don't have a tree." He looks sad and disappointed in himself. He tells me later it didn't feel like a celebration without me.
"I ordered one. It should be here in a couple days. I'm obviously in no shape to be chopping down a tree" I try to make light of all that's gone on but I'm unsuccessful.
"I know you're probably still mad at me"
"I have no right to be mad at you. I, I still...I love you so much that it physically hurts being away from you. I know what I did to you was wrong..."
"I overreacted"
"No, you didn't. I was stupid and selfish and...if you would have me, I'd tell the world about us and what we've made" He holds me and it feels amazing. I'm crying into his dark colored flannel shirt and he pulls me from him for a second.
"Can I see?" He asks and I nod. I lift the camisole I'm wearing over silk shorts and he looks up at me to make sure it's okay to touch me. I smile and he holds my little belly in his hands. "Did you say 'she' before?" He asks me, kissing my belly repeatedly.
"I did. We have a daughter and she's so healthy!"
"I've always wanted to have another little you running around." He stands back up straight and holds my cheeks. "Can I kiss you?"
"I'm begging for it" I say and he presses his lips to mine. We look at each other in the dim light of our kitchen. I can't help but rub my eyes. I can't function when I'm woken up prematurely. "I'm sorry, I'm so tired" I whisper.
"Let me take you to bed."
"Will you lie down with me?"
"I'm begging for it" he says, echoing my words and I kiss his cheek. I'm holding his hand and I realize how I miss even the little things about him.
"You may think I've seen the world but I'd rather see my girls" He sings to me as we lay in bed.
"Going Home!" I recognize the song even if the words aren't right. "Aftermath"
"Always" The way he wraps his arms around me, I know he remembers too. He kisses my head and we fall asleep together.
