Christine wants details of my love life often and Lindsey leans in whenever a question arises. Mick now knows to stay away but boy, does Christine love watching him squirm.
"Oh, please, tell us more about your boyfriend, Stevie!" She says loud enough to make sure everyone was listening.
"Yes, Stevie, do tell!" I hear Lindsey chime in. His tone makes me sick to my stomach.
"I prefer not to talk about it" I say and I simply walk away, busying myself with other things.
I don't talk about my perfect man the first time, the second time or the 30th time she asks me about him. I see Lindsey getting angry every time I decline to talk about the man in my life and I feel bad but I just don't want the lecture from Christine about my past with him. I'm an adult, so it's no one's business but my own.
Lindsey does not come to my room for 3 nights. I wait up for him until I physically cannot and give into sleep. The next morning, he isn't at breakfast either. I cannot concentrate on eating so I go to look for him.
His room is a mess when I get in. "Baby?" I call into the room "Where are you?"
"Why does it matter to you where I am?"
"Because I would love for my boyfriend to stop ignoring me and spend some time with me" I cuddle up to his bare chest. It looks like he just came out of the shower, a towel around his waist and he looks irresistible. I trail my fingers down his body and he grabs my wrist roughly.
"Well, that man certainly is not me. At least not to anyone else around here." He tosses me off of him. "You're always talking about how great he is and how he does such amazing things for you but you don't even care to fill them in on who the mystery man is. You're still dancing around the subject"
"Why does it matter?"
"Because I love you, I want to marry you! I won't be your fucking secret!" He yells and I cover my ears.
"You're scaring me!"
"I'm watching you slip away" he says, much more quietly this time. He sits on the bed and I sit with him. My own lyrics fill my head. We've been here before.
Every night that goes between, I feel a little less.
As you slowly go away from me, it was only another test.
"You didn't come to me for 3 nights."
Every night you do not come, your softness fades away. Did I ever really care that much?
"Neither did you. It works both ways"
I nod. "Yeah, I guess it does"
Is there anything left to say?
We sit in silence for a while then he gets up to get dressed and put on cologne.
"Maybe we should take a break" he tells me, then leaves me sitting on the bed, speechless.
Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside
I haven't felt this way I feel
Since many a years ago
But in those years and the lifetimes past
I did not deal with the road
And I did not deal with you I know
Though the love has always been
So I search to find an answer there
So I can truly win
Tears well up in my eyes and I cannot bear to lose him again. I will try to tell everyone we are together, that is, if he even still wants me.
Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside
So I try to say good-bye my friend
Id like to leave you with something more...
----
Tonight, Silver Springs is emotional to say the least. I'm crying before the song begins, I'm crying through it, though holding it together well enough to sing, and I'm crying after I'm finished. I cannot look at Lindsey. As the shows progress, Silver Springs gets angrier and at one point, I take the entire microphone stand over to him and I'm practically yelling in his face about how he won't let me love him in the only way I know how. Lyrics of another song fill my head again and my mind goes to mush.
But never ever been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm
Always been a storm
Oh always been a storm
I have always been a storm
I'm in tears after every show, making myself physically sick over everything that has gone on. I know the last show will be taped and I pour my heart and soul into it. It has to be good. I'm met with applause and screams from the crowd and feel so happy to have touched so many people. We exit the stage and he's no longer waiting for me. He's talking to the pretty blonde catering girl, or the lighting assistant's assistant or whoever she is. My heart is continually ripped out watching him talking to other women when I wish he would talk to me. I think back to the cabin and pray we will get back there some day but when I ask about it, he no longer answers with the usual "someday".
We were frail....
She said "every night he will break your heart"
I should've known from the first
Id be the broken-hearted
But I loved you from the start
I go back to my dressing room, looking at my planner and notice something odd. Christine comes in, just in time to see me break down into sobs.
"What's wrong?" She asks me, holding onto me as I cling to her for dear life.
"I'm...I'm late" I tell her.
"For what?" She asks me, looking as if I've suddenly grown another head atop my shoulders.
"My period" I tell her, trying to dry my tears.
"Oh you still get those things?" She scrunched up her nose. I nod. "I went through menopause at your age. Maybe that's what's going on"
"Menopause?"
"Yes, sweet freedom!" She jokes, trying to lighten the mood.
I shake my head. "No, no that can't be it"
"I didn't think so either, love. But it was for me." She shrugs. "But...I will run to the drug store in the morning if you'd like"
"Please, can you go with me now? I have to know. Please, Chrissy!" I'm crying properly again now and she agrees.
"Alright but you're a proper wreck right now. Why don't you stay here and I will go?"
"Thank you. I love you. Thank you so much."
"No problem honey. Don't let our ride leave without me. Stall, stall, stall!" I nod, giving her a thumbs up and she returns it.
I lay my head down on my vanity and cry. "What the hell have I done?" I wail, knowing no one was in the room but myself.
Save us
I straighten myself up when I hear her return and I don't know how long it's been since she left. She shoves the bag into my hands and I run off to the bathroom, taking as many as I can. I come out and she stares at me expectantly.
"I, I..." I can't get the words out.
"Well? Out with it!" She pushes me to answer and I just stare at her with a pitiful look on my face.
"I couldn't look" I say, crying once more. I think back to how beautiful things once were and my reality comes crashing down. Babies are not bandaids.
Not all the prayers in the world could save us...
