My turn is coming up and I am getting more nervous and excited. Just before I'm about to speak, Chris jumps in.
"Sorry sis, but Lori and I have something to say" He stands up and I stare up at him beside me. "Lori and I...are getting a divorce" There are gasps from everyone at the table and my mother and father exchanged shocked expressions. "I know it's not the best time to tell everyone but things are going to change around here and we needed to say it before there was any confusion." There is silence and Chris looks to me to continue on in the tradition he just crapped all over. My mother is crying and my father is staring at his plate, Jessie is playing with her dolls and not paying attention so I was happy about that. She didn't need to hear about anything this way. He elbows me and I yelp. "Come on big sister, what are you thankful for?" Lori rolls her eyes at Chris and I immediately retreat within myself.
"Nothing" I mutter.
"TeeDee, share something" My beautiful mother says sweetly, drying her tears on a napkin. "Anything happy going on in your world?"
"Yeah, but um, I don't want to share now" Everyone is staring at me and I try to excuse myself but Chris holds onto my shoulder, forcing me to stay in my seat. Daddy looks at me, pleadingly.
"Make us happy, baby girl, like you always do"
"I, I guess I do have some news"
"Well, what is it?" Chris asks, his tone nasty. "Come on baby girl, make us happy!" He mocks our father and daddy bangs his hand on the table, startling me and causing me to cry. "Sensitive little thing" Chris coos, still making fun of me as he strokes under my chin.
"Stop picking on your sister. She's done nothing to you!" Daddy's eyes change when he looks at me and gestures for me to speak.
"I, I'm thankful for..." They're leaning in to hear what I have to say and I take a deep breath. "I'm pregnant" I say. The room erupts in congratulations and everyone stands to hug me and rub my belly. My parents look at me with such pride and Christopher stomps his way upstairs. I watch as he goes and I pull myself away to talk to him.
"Are you happy?!" He asks me angrily and I don't respond. "I could have used family support, I could have used all the hugs and love you got but no. Like always, you have to overshadow me"
"You were the one who kept pushing me to say something!" I yell back, wiping my tears.
"Oh fuck you, Stephanie! You didn't have to say that!"
"It's the only happy thing going on!"
"Sure, perfect Steph! If they're not congratulating you, they're pitying you or worrying about you. It's always about you in this house! They're always proud no matter what and I'm the screw up! Chris who?"
"You sound like a child!" He laughs in my face and I turn to leave. He pulls me back to him by the arm. "Let go of me!" I say through gritted teeth.
"Or what? You're going to cry to mom and dad? Who's the child now?"
"I'm going back down there. I'm done talking to you" I tell him, willing myself not to cry. I'm so over crying.
"Go ahead! Run away!"
"I just, I can't get myself stressed out. You should know what it's like to feel responsible for a little life. Or maybe you don't, who knows, since now you've taken yourself away from her!"
"You bitch! That's real cute coming from you! Do you even know who the father is? Be honest, for once in your whole damn life!" He yells down the hall and I'm already down the stairs. He's chasing after me and my fight or flight reflex is going insane. Do I run, or do I have it out? I don't know. I bump right into my father and he holds me protectively against him.
"What the heck are you two doing?" Daddy asks us sternly.
"I went up there to check on him, daddy and he, he" The tears fall without any warning and Chris laughs at me again. I feel so small right now.
"Thats right dad, believe the drugged out whore! You always do. Protect your perfect Stephanie."
"That's enough!" He says, raising his voice. Daddy rarely yells.
"My life isn't perfect, Chris! I came here for comfort. My life is a mess!"
"Could have fooled me! Great solo career, great tour you just wrapped up with one of the biggest bands in the world...And now you've got a little baby on the way! Adorable, sis!" His voice is dripping with anger and envy.
"Fuck you!" I spat.
"Intelligent comeback! Did you think that one up all on your own?!"
"Fine, want to know how perfect my life is? Lindsey and I made this beautiful baby and he wants nothing to do with us! He hates my guts! He was nothing but great and wonderful and because of my stupid decisions, he's done with me! I will never be married, I will never have more children and the only child I will ever have, will never have a family! I have to live with that for the rest of my life. While this baby grows up and sees other kids with their fathers, mine will blame me!" I'm sobbing, sinking down to my knees on the floor. "Are you happy now, Chris?! Are you?!" He looks like he feels horrible now and looks up into all the disapproving faces.
"Shit Steph! I didn't think...I didn't know"
"Well now you do. I'm not asking for all of the attention, I'm just lonely. I came here to be with you because I love you and there is no one for me in California. So you can see how empty my life really is without this baby." I say more quietly now and he reaches out to hug me. He thanks me when I let him hold me and I cry into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he repeats. "Do you want me to kick his ass for you?"
I laugh, wiping my eyes "No, honey. Like I said, it's my fault." Chris nods, not making me continue.
"Can you forgive me? I know I said awful things but...I love you. You're my big sister." He leaned in to whisper. "You're the one who helped me pilfer dad's records and booze for parties when he left town. To this day, he still doesn't know. I owe you my life!"
"Well, you do owe me!" I laugh "But yeah, I can forgive you. Just be nice to me, okay?"
"Deal"
"I love you"
"I love you too" He embraces me, rubbing my back.
We go back to eating but the food is cold, the warm feeling is gone and its dead silent.
"Sis, did you have a..what's it called? An ultrasound yet?" Chris asks, breaking the silence.
"I did" I say, looking up.
"You didn't bring the pictures, did you? I'd love to see my little niece or nephew!" My eyes light up when he says the words and I excuse myself to grab them. When I come back I hand them to him and he starts to tear up. "Oh my gosh, that's the cutest little blob I've seen since my little blob!" He makes us all laugh and the pictures get passed around. Lori hugs me, crying.
"You're going to be a great mom, Stevie"
"Thank you" I whisper as we pull apart.
"Do you feel good?" Chris asks.
"Usually! I do have morning sickness still but the baby is pretty good to me."
"Good! I can't wait to meet them, Steves" Mommy and daddy hug me again and when dinner is finished, I help with dishes.
I stay in Arizona for a couple of days and I feel like a princess, even to my baby brother. He pampers the hell out of me and before I leave, he gives me a small gift to take home for the baby. He drives me to the airport and sees me off.
"Will you be back for Christmas?" He asks and I shrug.
"I don't know yet. I'll let you know" He nods and waves.
I board the plane and get some sleep on the way home. Karen arrives to get me, and smiles broadly when she sees me.
"You get more beautiful every time I see you! How was your holiday?"
"Rocky at first but got so much better!"
"Good, did you tell them?"
"Yes. Everyone was happy right away except Christopher. Um, he and Lori aren't doing so good...they're getting a divorce" I feel tears coming and she pulls me into her side as we walk to the car. "Poor Jessie. Of course I feel bad for the two adults involved but it's never easy on a child. They never understand."
"They will help her understand, Stevie. I know it's hard but they're two smart, caring people. They will do anything to make Jessie feel secure and loved through this"
She takes me home and helps me carry in my bags. She sorts my laundry and puts everything back where it came from. The kitchen is stocked with fresh, healthy food and even a few treats. She's so good to me. I take a nap (shocker!) and she answers phone calls, tends to my commitments and keeps me on track. She continues to let me sleep while she makes me something to eat. We talk over tea and an incredible pasta dish and my spirits are high. We talk about what will be happening after the new year while I flip through a trashy magazine that I know I shouldn't be reading. That's when I see it. Lindsey is with another woman. A different one from last time and my heart breaks all over again. I toss the magazine on the table suddenly and run upstairs to the safety of my room.
She brings my tea upstairs and brings me a present she got for me- a natural remedies and holistic pregnancy book, week by week. She distracts me for a while, asking me to find my week and read about my baby. She cuddles up to me, and she talks to the child growing within me.
"You have the greatest, mama. She loves you so much already! And your life with her is going to be so cool! You're not even here yet and you've been all over the country already. One day you will go abroad and get to do things most kids only dream about."
"Can you stay up here with me for a while?" She thinks about all the things she has to do, and I know it's a lot but she agrees, nodding.
"Yeah, of course."
"Thank you"
"Any time, little mama" she says, smiling at me. She helps me bring the focus where it should be and I am so happy she's here for me.
A/N: you guys, I have no self control! I keep putting out chapters when I'm trying to keep some back so I don't run out. This has to be the last one for today...maybe ;)
