December
Its been 2 months since I've had the miscarriage. I was still feeling really sad.
Sebastian tried to cheer me up...but nothing really worked. I had the fear of trying to make another baby and I would have another miscarriage again....or even...not be able to have another baby.
I tired to be happy for laura because she was still my baby. I didn't want to make her feel left out from my love.
I did some Christmas shopping while Sebastian stayed home.
I'll be honest I haven't been the same with Sebastian since I had the miscarriage. I wasn't mean to Sebastian I was just not the lover of his life.
Sometimes I feel like he made a mistake being with me. I didn't want him to feel my hurt and my depression about the miscarriage because Sebastian can read my mind. That's why I try to fake a smile when I'm home.
December 3rd
I was getting new decorations for the house. I walked down the rows and looked around.
Sebastian was home and the baby was at her grandma's house for the night.
I walked down the row and I bumped into Chris (Evans)
"Hey Gloria"
"Hey Chris"
"Doing some Christmas shopping"
"Yeah I had to get new decorations because laura broke some of them"
"Ooh no"
"Yeah"
"Where's seb?"
"He's at home"
"With the baby?"
With a weak voice
Sounding like I was about to cry
"No"
Chris stood silently
"Hey do you wanna grab a coffee or hot chocolate?"
"Yeah that'd be nice"
Me and Chris payed for our stuff. I put my things in the car. Chris put his things in his car. We walked to Starbucks.
Chris got a coffee and I got hot chocolate.
We sat down and I didn't say anything
"What's going on Gloria?"
"I'm not the same as I once was when I had the miscarriage"
"Not the same?"
"I don't act the same I get sad and I try to fake a smile at home"
"Are you unhappy at home?"
"Its not Sebastian or the baby...its just me in general... Sebastian trys his very best to put a smile on my face but I don't give him a smile"
Chris didn't say anything
"I feel like sometimes I'm the mistake he made he could have any girl but he's with me"
"And you know what if he wasn't with you that would be his greatest mistake"
I looked up at chris
"Gloria he loves you...I talked to him yesterday... You know what he told me"
"What?"
"He told me he was afraid of loosing you...I know what happened to you two with the miscarriage but your a family and you can work through this"
"Chris I'm afraid of if I try to make another baby I'll have a miscarriage again or not even be able to have another baby"
"I have faith in you and I have a lot of hope...you'll have another baby...don't let your hopes down....its going to be Christmas"
Chris made me smile
We drove back to my house and I hugged him goodbye.
I walked up to the apartment
I opened the door and I walked in.
I didn't see sebastian
With the song *Have yourself a merry little Christmas* in the background.
"Sebastian?"
I walked to the living room.
Sebastian was sitting on the couch drinking vodka straight out of the bottle.
"Sebastian?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing?"
"Treating myself"
"By drinking"
"Yup"
"Sebastian this isn't you"
He stood up
"Then what is me?"
"Sebastian your drunk...just give me the bottle"
"No"
"Sebastian please"
He sat back down
"Sebastian.. baby"
He started crying
"Sebastian what's wrong?"
"I don't want to loose you"
I cuddled him
"No no no your not going to loose me sebby"
"Ever since the miscarriage you haven't been the same and I don't want to loose you now I can't...I just can't"
"No baby your not going to loose me"
Sebastian dropped the bottle spilling it on the carpet. He put his arm around me and cried in my chest.
I held him closer and tighter
Sebastian wasn't going to loose me and he never will.
I promised him that and I promised myself that.
