Haha, I'm An Idiot.

Mail Fraud

I've been hired to commit mail fraud and identity theft. Yay school?

That's right. zombiepeasant , MrsRamiMalek007 , and I have been specially selected to tamper with the mail and steal an identity specifically to ruin Christmas. Why? Because our school's second graders collectively wrote letters to Santa and they "didn't get to the North Pole". Us, supposedly being the best writers in the eldest grade, were hired to write back under the guise of an old man who should be dead for every reason. Before I move on, I just want to list a few reasons why Santa should be dead.

#1: Hypothermia. Living at the North Pole means a few things, the biggest being the huge drop in temperature. With the temperature dropping to -50 C in the winter, Santa wouldn't be able to survive. Even lower the chance is for the elves, being FRICKING CHILD SLAVES.

#2: Malnutrition. What does Santa eat? Nothing grows that far north, and being old and a bit overweight worsens hunting abilities. Much has been said about the baking of Mrs. Claus, but eventually ingredients would run thin. Also, there's no electricity to bake with at all! The only thing Santa could survive on would be his reindeer's flesh and- dare I say- the elves. This is barely enough nutrition to sustain a man of his size, left alone his wife, elves, and reindeer. If Santa hasn't died of hunger, he's feeding on the corpses of those who have.

#3: Age. Santa is literally thousands of years old. His tales date as far back as the third century. Santa should be years dead by now, no way around it. I can't give a witty or in-depth explanation for this one, it's just basic science. Even worse is that, in extremes like the North Pole, Santa could barely pass childhood if he did at all.

#4: Speed. Okay, let's say Santa doesn't age. Let's say he had plenty to eat. Let's say he's impervious to the cold. It's Christmas and he's getting in his sleigh to ride around the world. Will he be okay? No. To make it around the world to every Christian household before the night is over, he'd have to go a whopping 650 mile per second, 3000 time the speed of sound. That doesn't even factor in time spent dawdling in houses eating cookies and milk. Santa and his reindeer should have their flesh burned off and disintegrated in the atmosphere, along with sleigh and presents. If he somehow survived all other extremes of his North Pole home, he'd still be dead. Merry Christmas, kids.

Anyway... mail fraud! For all our language arts periods, us three have to act like Santa. We answer their questions and what they want. We all have to talk with each other because we're trying to keep 100% continuity. In fact, I'm even in charge of 'Santa's' signature. It's because my handwriting is apparently Santa-like. Here's a sample:

Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway we've all been writing and there were two funny occurrences which I will now share.

First is Michelle. This kid asked for so much that her writing spanned to the back of the page. She asked for everything, including but not limited to an iPad, iPhone, iPod, turtle, roller skates, and ice skates. We didn't even know where to start on her.

Second is Treton. This kid's name is pronounced Tray-ton. Being a little kid, his writing wasn't clean. Neither was his spelling. In fact, it was so messy that Zombie had to give it to me after not being able to read it. I understood it okay, but COULD NOT figure out the deal with the kid's last name. There was a Trenton in second grade, as well as a Traighton. Was it possible this kid misspelled his own name? We had already replied to Trenton's letter, but I addressed it as such with the benefit of the doubt. We ended up having a teacher phone the office just to figure out who this kid was. Long story short, turns out the poor sap really was called Treton.

Anyway, that's all that's happened so far. There may or may not be updates in the future. Merry Christmas everybody!