Haha, I'm An Idiot.

Je Suis Cabbage Man

This one's a ride.

I was up quite late last night, diddling about online as usual. I went to check Wattpad and I saw a text from zombiepeasant all about how she was watching ASMR videos. Normally, ASMR videos are designed to relax people and perhaps trigger a bodily response. It's pretty much a bunch of science I'm not getting into. It's usually done by people whispering into the mic, crinkling tin foil, and other such things.

These weren't normal videos. At all.

The very first series of texts said:

Of course, the very first response from me was to joke.
"I want to know how to care for my pet potato," I texted back. Zombie clicked onto another video. It was called "Manley ASMR For Women". This had the potential to be normal. It failed. As Zombie described, the guy in the videos (whom I will henceforth refer to as E, as commenters did,) was playing with tampons. Tampons. I didn't really know what to feel. Zombie stoically continued her descent. I didn't hear from her for a short while, but when she got back the very first text I got was
"HE HAS A FUCKING ROLE PLAY 'FACE PAINTING BY BOB ROSS'". She also included the fact that he was dressed in a brown Afro.

Now comes my time. After the above exchange, Zombie dared me to go and see what I could find. I accepted my challenge. A piece of advice for you lucky readers: you haven't ever seen a man seductively stroking and whispering sweet nothings into leafy greens and I'd bet my dad that you don't want to. Don't go looking for this guy. You'll be changed. To paraphrase myself,
"Right off the bat, cabbage microphones." That's right. I went in thinking that Zombie got the brunt of the weird and I stepped right in it. There were also potato microphones ("That's potato abuse!"). I was utterly bewildered. What the hell is this? I went back to tell Zombie. I said, read in the most confused tone you can imagine, "He's just fuckin whispering into cabbages man". I didn't even have the peace of mind to replace a swear like usual. Despite this, I pushed on.

The next video was one called "Kindnapped!" Like most poor unfortunate souls in the comments, I missed the extra "n". I thought it would be a kidnapping roleplay. Weird, but fair enough. People enjoy some strange things. Instead of what I was expecting for this sort of thing (as in low, agressive whispers and orders to remain silent) I was greeted with what could be mistaken as a bad Canadian stereotype. E was holding the viewer hostage, that's true, but he was doing it ever so politely. I reported back to Zombie. Then, next video.

"Tin Foil Hat Society" (or something of the like) was the name of this video. E was wearing a tinfoil hat and glasses. He was whispering about some membership to the Tin Foil Hat Society. It even promised your very own sheet of tinfoil which he was crinkling about. The entire video had a strange malevolent feel. It seemed like this guy wanted to get me in my sleep and roll me up in tinfoil like a human spider or perhaps a bad burrito maker. I told Zombie of what I witnessed. Between this and the next video, I also discovered a sequel to the Bob Ross one.

This one was just weird. It was titled "The Neighbour". That would be just dandy if it weren't for the subtitle: "[ Mr. Rogers Meets H. P. Lovecraft ASMR Roleplay]". HOO BOI. The entire video featured E in an ugly sweater and a house with many objects on the wall behind him. He took each one off in turn, showing off its textures and sounds. Near the end, the video took a turn for the worse. Not worst. We were already "worst". Yet somehow, it got even more terrible. He started to get creepy and possessive. By the end, he just drugs the viewer with a chloroform-soaked cloth. Yup. This was the straw that broke the unfortunate camel's back. I couldn't do it anymore. There was one other video, but I didn't have the capacity to describe it then or now.

Fast forward to today. Or yesterday, if you prefer. There was a school book fair. Our class was first to go. Zombie got a combination eraser/sharpener that was shaped like a microphone. Of course it was. Here's a picture of the one she got:

When we got back, we messed around with it. "He's just fuckin whisperin into cabbages, man," I whispered into the "mic". Zombie didn't understand me. Just like Linkie in "Uno Ruins Everything", she asked if she'd heard me right.
"Je suis Cabbage Man?"

So, we died laughing for the 60th time this year. This is our latest in-joke that I'm sharing with you all. As a bonus story, there was a presentation downstairs today. It was a travelling science show called "The Power of Ideas". It was all about innovation. One of the ingredients in innovation, they said, was collaboration. In the opening presentation, the woman held up a jar of jellybeans. She took guesses from the crowd. I was picked last. I guessed 420. The real number was around 1200, but whatever. It was a personal win.