Some Sugar and Honey (Boy X Boy)

Chapter 12 - A Soft Spot

      I wasn't sure how to feel, my mind felt twisted and my heart shut down a bit.  My high school and middle school life, my feelings towards both invaded me, my body and mind reliving everything within that short few seconds.  Throughout both my mind slowly began shutting itself down, my feelings eroded and locked themselves away to keep from being harmed further.  Only recently did this stop, because of Maddox did my body and mind feel as if they were being healed.  But now, it felt as if everything changed.

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      I only sat in silence, keeping my eyes aimed at my hands.  I could feel my heart beat against my chest, hear it throbbing in my ears.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see Maddox.  He seemed to move himself further away, lowering his body to the desk and keeping his face out of view.  He looked guilty.  This sight, I thought, why is he doing that?  Come to think of it, why the hell would he tell me this?  Why would he tell me this?  I couldn't tell what I was feeling.  Was I feeling betrayed?  Infuriated?  Perhaps both, both seemed to suit this feeling quite well.  But each time I looked over to him, those feelings melted and I began to feel guilty.  Why though?

"I'm sorry."  I flinched, not expecting anything from him, not WANTING to hear anything from him.  "I always hear people say things like, 'I'm sorry's not good enough' or something but I can't really do anything else right now, right?"  He had scooted over to the edge of his seat, not being able to go much further he had to balance himself to keep from falling.  Still, a look of guilt sat sourly upon his face.  It was as if he was serious about it.  Was he?  Why would he be?  

      I wanted to cry, but not out of sadness, I was still mad, really mad.  I hated being mad, when I was mad I did things I wished I didn't, and I was sure this might turn into one of those moments.  "Yeah?"  I looked back to his computer, wanting to push it off the desk, contemplating whether to do so "accidentally" or not.  I was such a jerk.

"Y-yeah?"  He lowered his head, keeping his eyes on me, his guilt appeared to overflow from his eyes, leaving them sparkling.  "You hate me?"

You think?  I swallowed that answer, not wanting to screw up something that could easily be fixed by rational thinking.  I didn't want to make him mad or feel any worse than he appeared to be at the moment.  

"Nnn..."  I couldn't think of any other response but a long, drawn out groan.  From his expression he seemed to take that as a yes.  "I wouldn't be surprised at all.  I know I'm a dick, everyone knows it."  He shrugged, a smile that said he was just joking, having fun saying that stuff about himself, crawled onto his plump face.  "You don't...."  He pulled his computer from my desk and back to his own, his eyes appeared to be watering.  "Want to help me anymore, huh?  And, like, drama isn't your thing, right?"  He started moving off of his seat, getting ready to stand.  I wanted to pull him back, keep him right there but how would I do that?  I'm such a jerk...  I didn't want to look at him at all, but not because he said what he did, I felt like I was being a horrible person by not accepting what appeared to be a sincere apology.

      I bit my cheek hard, wanting to cry severely, hoping he might see and realize I didn't hate him.  I knew from the very beginning he tended to be rude to people, he spread rumors and such all the time in middle school but it never phased me because I was never involved with him.  Now, though, everything's different, he's barely talking to his group anymore, and when he does he seemed to tune them out anyway.  Or does he? 

I looked over to Maddox, he was in the process of moving his desk back.  I felt my stomach turn a bit but I needed to know this now.  "Why were you talking to them?"  He flinched slightly, probably not expecting that at all.  He looked at me in silence for a bit, wide-eyed.  

"W-what?  Them?"  He tilted his head in the direction of Jason and a few of the others from his group.  I nodded.  He leaned forward a bit, a look of caution throughout his body told me he felt wary of me.  "They've been... trying to convince me that... they've been joking."  His expression became soft, his eyes looked slightly teary.  "They say, 'oh, you can't take a joke', they say shit like that and..."  His eyes widened quickly, he furrowed his eyebrows in a worried manner.  He gulped a bit, rocking his body back and forth on the desk.  "I... I'm sorry... if you want... you can hit me."  His face told me he was completely serious.

I couldn't willingly move my body.  My eyes widened in shock on their own, and my hands tightened, clinging to my jacket sleeve.  "W-what?"  I uttered roughly.

"Mm..."  He lowered his head in a manner as if he was ashamed of something.  "What I did... to you back then... I guess it's just karma being a bitch, like they say?"  He shrugged.  I felt confused, worried even.  As I was about to ask he explained.  "I spread that stuff about you, y'know?  Then, now, they go around and say stuff 'bout me, make me feel like I'm shit... now they're trying to get me back saying, 'We're sorry, we were just joking, it was nothing'."  He licked his lips as he pulled his gaze in their direction.  "I'm really no better than them... I never was, huh?"  He watched them for a few moments.  After that time was up he went back to moving his desk.  

I didn't want him to do this, leave me alone.  But, I thought suddenly, the realization dropping in my mind like a brick, won't he be alone then?

"Um..."  I shot forward in my seat, hurting my back from the sudden, sharp movement.  Maddox stopped quickly, looking at me as if worried.  "Please... you're... really not..."  I glanced to them, then back to him, leaning in so he could hear me whisper.  "You're... really not... like them at all..."  My body, my heart felt warm.  I could barely keep the tears from releasing.  I felt my eyes burn from them and turned away, keeping him in view from the corner of my eyes.  

"W-what?"  He chuckled, his demeanor changed completely, but his eyes still said he was unsure of my sincerity.  "I mean it..."  I choked.  "You're better than them."  I wanted to pull his computer back, apologize to it for my horrid thoughts about it.  "I mean... You know better."  He said nothing, only watched me in, I'm assuming, astonishment.  "You've apologized, made up for the things you've done to me in the past.  You... you're real friend quality... honest." I smiled a bit, not sure how honest I really was being.  I still felt a bit wary about him, but I knew that, at this moment, he was definitely the only one in the room I considered decent.  

"I just... you... won't you be all alone then?"  He smirked, resting his weight on one leg, throwing his hands into his pockets.  "Yeah, I guess.  I don't really have friends..."  he ended up glancing back to them, a look of distaste resting upon his face for a short, few seconds before he looked back to me.  I gulped a bit as I nodded.  "Can't we..."  I leaned back into my seat, feeling uneasy about saying it.  "Can't we... still be... friends?"  I looked away from him, feeling embarrassed that I said it.

His face said he was clearly caught off guard.  He was positive I hated him.  "Ah, well..."  He began grinning, but he appeared to be trying to put it out.  "I... guess ha ha."  He brushed through his hair, probably something he does when he's nervous.  He turned back to me with his normal, cocky grin, the grin that made me feel at home.  "You're so weird at that though."  He chuckled cheerfully, pushing his desk back next to mine.  "But it's cute."  

The face he made right then, my heart practically flipped.  I let out a long, 'ahh' before starting on a weakened chuckle to which he merrily joined.

I was positive I made the right choice, well, sort of.  Either way, though, all he did was make my world feel a little bit better, one smile at a time.