Some Sugar and Honey (Boy X Boy)

Chapter 2 - What Lies Inside

      A few days after Maddox told me about his family's plans to head to California, about two to be exact, he was gone.  

I sincerely hope you don't mind me skipping those few days.  If it bothers you, though, I will go into detail about them, not much, but just enough that you can get an idea of what happened.

      I hadn't spoken to Maddox much after that, by that I'm referring to making him mad by showing concern for his school work.  The next day I found him chatting away with his small group.  He had his phone in one hand, his arm hanging casually off the desk and his other hand propped delicately under his chin.  

I was tempted to go over and try and join the conversation, but my deeply rooted introverted nature kept me from doing so.  But it wasn't just that, I got a creeping feeling that they didn't like me.  And it wasn't just from the stares they sent my way, it was from the way I heard them talk about me, poke fun at me.  

      I was often called some names, I've been called "fruity", the most common form "faggot" and other such terms.  I have never stated my sexuality to anyone, including my parents but I won't get into that.  I guess I just give off some "gay vibe"?  I guess it's the way I talk though... anyway, before I get too distracted I'll continue with the story.

      I decided at that point to do as we were supposed to and sit at my desk.  Mine was at the very front at the closest point to the door, and from where I was I could easily see the clique from the corner of my eyes.  By the time the bell rang and we were off to first period I could tell he wasn't going to talk to me

I held my binder close to my heart and pulled the single strap of my bag further over my shoulder.  I struggled to keep myself in a straight path as I was pushed from side to side, forward and back.  As I was going through I could hear words that made me flinch, made my heart stop for seconds, and words that made me grow paranoid.  It was moments like those that made me pray that I would go numb to them.

      It would take a very long time to explain the rest of the day as nothing of much importance really happened.  Though, thinking about it now, I guess I could go into detail about lunch that day.

      As usual, and much to my preference, I sat alone at my section of the lunch table.  To myself I had a full table where no one else sat.  On occasion Maddox would come over to sit and chat, normally this was only if a couple of his friends weren't around.  There were times when I had a strong yearning to have someone to talk to around, and this happened to be one of those times.  The thought of Maddox not being around for 15 days, not one person to talk to me for that period of time, made me lonely.

      I sighed and dug my fork throughout my food, shoveling it around as I casually threw it into my mouth.  I looked over to Maddox's table and watched for a few seconds.   He always looked cheerful, but more so when he was with them.  My heart dropped as this thought invaded my mind.

It was too easy for negative thoughts to break in, mold my mind however they pleased, and eventually take over.  There were times when I knew what I was thinking was childish and plain stupid, but I could never get myself to simply throw them away and shake it off as if it was nothing.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how silly the reason.

      I shook my head slightly, rubbing my forehead a bit to try and erase those thoughts.  I put another forkful of macaroni (extremely sticky by the way) in my mouth as I glanced back to Maddox.  I was really going to miss him when he left and I knew it.  I also knew I wouldn't have the guts to confront him about it and tell him that I wanted to spend the last few days he was around as close to him as possible.  In my mind, I was just a pathetic, lonely boy who knew nothing about himself and relied too heavily on one person who barely even acknowledged him.   

      When I got home I would head up to my room immediately, get to my computer and switch it on.  I didn't know any of Maddox's social media accounts so I couldn't... "stalk" him.  Being honest, at that point I would have consider asking him for his Facebook or Twitter but... I never had the courage or ideas on how to bring it into a conversation.

I never had any internet friends so I never came to expect any messages or "pm"'s and such.  In short, at home or at school I was always alone.  It wasn't that I didn't try to make friends, I tried on a daily basis, being as friendly and open as I possibly could, but it never happened, and when it did I became too clingy and the slightest thing would make me hurt.  I always assumed I was overreacting but in the long run I realized I ended up being replaced by someone better, someone suited to be a good friend time and time again.  Yet, for some reason my overly attached self never learned and now I was struggling to keep a firm hold on Maddox... to make sure he didn't get too far away from me.

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      The very next day was just as normal and, to put it plainly, boring as the last month since school started up again.  I was beginning to get anxious by this point.  I knew Maddox would be leaving when the school day was over and I wasn't ready for that.  I don't intend to sound dangerously clingy here, if I wanted to I could have pushed him from my brain as another, "traitor" we'll label them (I apologize if that sounds harsh but for lack of better wording).  But if I had done that I would have had a hard time "forgiving" him when he came back.  Plus, I had so much I wanted to tell him that getting him out of my head was rather difficult.

      When I got to my assigned seat I made a decision.  If he approached me, ONLY if HE approached me would I try and tell him what I wanted to.  I nodded my head to finalize my approval (of my own decision).  I stopped to think about whether I saw him even come in when, as luck would have it, he made his way over to me as an answer. 

"Hey there, kiddo!"  He chuckled playfully, a cheerful, sly grin upon his face as usual.  I nodded with my shy grin, a quiet "hey" as my reply.  He chuckled as he leaned over, resting a slim arm on my desk.  "What've you been up to?"  My heart skipped a beat as he drew in close, I gulped as I collected my thoughts to form up a good answer, forgetting my previous decision.

"Nothing much, I guess."  I choked out slowly.  I rubbed my hands on my thighs as we spoke, a nervous habit of mine.  Maddox nodded, "Yeah, same."  he smirked.  I would have assumed otherwise from the way he and his friends seem to have things to talk about on a daily basis, but then again, I don't know anything that goes on in their lives or their conversations so I really have no right to assume.   

I only nodded as reply, tossing in my shy, awkward smile as extra.  "So," he started, resting both arms on my desk now, "I'll be off tomorrow morning!"  He seemed to speak with a feverish tone, his smile reflecting this.  I nodded, humming a bit to show I was still listening.  "This is gonna be real nice!  No school for 15 days and none of THOSE guys constantly being annoying brats to my face!"  He chuckled playfully as he pointed back to his "friends".  I only nodded, a bunch of thoughts I wanted to speak coming into my head but I figured those would get me in trouble.  "They're such a bunch of pussies."  he chuckled, leaning in closer to me.  If he thought this about the people he seemed so close to on a daily basis, I thought, what does he say, no... THINK about me?      

I gulped slightly as he continued speaking.  I accidentally tuned out this part as worry flooded my mind.  I didn't want this turn out like all my other failed tries.... no.... WORSE.  My eyes wandered away from Maddox as he was speaking and he noticed this.  

After a quick scolding, the teacher returned this to him as she walked in, yelling at him for not being in a seat as she took attendance.  He took the empty seat next to me to continue our conversation.  Since he didn't head back to his clique I assumed he really wanted to talk about this with me... for some reason.

      For the first two periods or so he continued talking about this vacation.  How nice it would be to get away from the bullshit known as classmates and the hellhole known as school for a nice 15 days.  To be honest I really appreciated that he would tell me all this, but then again, he may have gone over this with his other... "friends".  After those periods where over our chat was done and things went right back to normal, and in the end it finally dawned on me that I never got to say what I wanted.